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innermost secret thoughts of a new cd as she explores her new feelings and experiences
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Transitioning continues
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Posted:Nov 17, 2017 11:19 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 7:39 am
1412 Views
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I haven't blogged for a few days but i had an experience this week that adds to my transition.
I met with a great cd yesterday and she showed me how to tuck. She has a g string that pulls my cock back and if i work it right gives an illusion of a vj. The look is great and I am hooked. She also paid me the best complement. She comes by for our first date. She needs to dress so I give her a place to change. I wasn't ready for her either as she shows up an hour early. I get all dressed up for her and go to the family room to wait. I am sitting there enjoying a gin and tonic and i hear a text message come in on my phone. I read it and it is her and she is freaked out. She had seen a woman walking around and said is your wife home. I smiled and told her no it was just me dressed up. I smiled at the thought that someone really believed I was a girl. He finally comes out and we kiss and play a bit. She keeps looking at me. She smiles and apologizes and tells me how hot I looked. WellI blushed feeling a rush go through me. We sat and talked and we made out. She shows me her pussy and well that was hot. I played and sucked her off. She offered to show me how she achieved the look and instructed me on the use of her unique "g-string". The feeling is amazing but I wasn't quite able to get the full vj affect. My balls aren't quite big enough to completely surround my cock but it still looked and felt nice and hot. I couldn't stop rubbing myself. She hung out for a little more play and after successfully getting another mouthful of her cum she had to go. I have to say the tuck part was assume but as a date I was a bit less enthusiastic. She is nice but not really as exciting as I like. I had to be the aggressor most of the time and I am really not turned on by that role. My needs are so much more fulfilled as a sub letting myself give in and be controlled. So the exploration will continue.
I also finally made contact with a t-gurl I have been chatting with and in a couple of weeks we plan to get together and she wants to help me with my transition. we talked on the phone yesterday and we talked about what i was wanting to become. I told her that the sex wasn't the only thing I was interested. I told her about needing help with the fem side of me such as makeup and mannerisms and dress. She seemed very open to helping. If all goes well I maybe coming out more in public. She was very manner factly about not working about what others might be saying about me. She said once I can get past that it will become easier. we are thinking of heading to a social club in San Jose that she thinks I might enjoy. I looked at their site on line and I really think this might help me breakthru and give me the confidence to become a woman full time. It provides a place to go dressed and meet others of like mind. It has a retail store where I know I will spend way too much money lol. I am really looking forward to meeting up with her and I am hoping this might be the beginning of jennifer for real. We will see how it goes. I really want a relationship and a girlfriend so I can talk about my feelings and have someone supporting me in this journey. I will keep this blogged posted on this new adventure.
Me final thoughts today are where am I going when it comes to my mind set. I have been seeing this wonderful guy who fits almost everything I might be looking for in a man. He is assertive and strong. He is hairy all over which really turns me on. When I am with him I am as close to being jennifer then I ever have been. We talked a bit yesterday and I explained to him what he did to get me excited to see him. I asked him how he saw our situation and he was very positive about it but our situations make it a bit difficult to see each other when we want. I asked him if he could be even more in control. The example I gave him was the first time we got together he just called me told me he was coming over without me having a say. there was something inside of me that wanted to be treated like that. I told him that one thing that disappointed me was he wasn't always like that. He had texted me that his job was going to bring him by my town and he would like to meet for a bit. I wasn't against us meeting but I told him that is the kind of situation where I would have rather than asking me nicely just text and say I am coming your way be ready I want to fuck you. I told him that is what I really want from him. Be ready to submit at any time at his beck and call. He said he understood but I am not sure if I will get that from him. He was suppose to come see me today. We were talking about the planning as he drives a big truck so he can't just bring it into the neighborhood. He suggested a few scenarios and we settled on one. I think this is where he could have gotten me drawn in closer to him if he would have said Jenn I will be in town at such and such time. be dressed and ready to come and pick me up. I did mention to him that if he liked I could come and jump into his cab and just sucked and fucked him there. Now that was a hot fantasy but he wasn't going to let that happen. I guess I just want him to tell me how it is going to be and not worry if I agree or not. I guess if I keep suggesting these things he might just finally take more control. the reason I bring this up is when he does get control he is fantastic I can't get enough of him. This feeling I have about having a lover in control has gotten me thinking more and more about smbd. I have been on the various blogs and group sites exploring the possibility of engaging this life style. I thought it would be easier to find a person who might want to help me explore. As of now I haven't had a dom even approach me which is frustrating. I did have chat with someone that has been a sub and she says this site isn't very good for that. So I am beginning to look at other sites. She said she found that friends have been more of a help in finding someone. She also mentioned meeting does a certain parties. I will have to look into this more and see if it is even worth pursuing. I am pretty sure no one will even read this since as of today I haven't gotten a single comment about my other blog posts but a gurl can dream right.
Well I am off line for a week and will check back with news if I have any on he continuing journey to be jennifer.
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A fantasy for me
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Posted:Nov 14, 2017 2:13 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 7:39 am
1365 Views
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I came on line today and was checking out some blog posts. I came a cross a blog by bobbiejoe. I really liked her writing and some of her subjects,
I was really interested in her story about her and her mom. It really hit home with me. I had a dom for a mom and I spent so much time wanting to please her. It didn't really understand what made me this way as a cd but as I began looking into my motivation for being a gurl I realized that my mom was the driving force.
As I had noted in my earlier blog posts i was raised with 3 sisters and it was easy for me to identify with them. i was when i reached puberty obsessed with girls as any young man would be. I had girl friends most of my life even in elementary school. I would rather be with girls then guys. Most of my friends were my sisters friends. I fantasized about being at sleepovers being apart of that group to sit and gossip and tell stories. Every once in a while I did get invited and most who knew me didn't object and they take freely. As I got older I was not able to join in since i was a boy. It was not my happiest times. I spent a lot of my time in my room and I liked to touch myself thinking of being dressed up. I had my secret stash of panties and bras and gowns. I would pretend i was feminine. i did get caught by my mom as she found some panties in my bed. She had punished me so many times for defiling myself and having unclean thoughts. I think I was getting turned on more by the punishments then the clothes. The day she found the panties I was so humiliated. She even took me to my sisters room and showed her what I had been doing. It embarrassed me to no end. My sister started calling a pervert and she threatened to out me to friends at school. Mom wasn't going to let her but I had to face my perverted ways. She had me get on the bed and she pulled my pants down in front of my sister. She handed sis the hair brush and told her from now on she would be the one to give the spankings to me. Well sis at first wasn't sure if she could do it but mom insisted. Sis took the brush and hit my bare ass. Mom said now Nan you need to really crack his ass he took your panties and played with himself leaving cum stains on them.. I bet he would put them back wet when done. Mom looked at me didn't you boy. I hung my head and said yes. Nan was so upset when she heard that she screamed at me "you perv I was wearing soiled Panties" Yes I said. She raised the hairbrush and slammed in on my ass. She kept hitting me as mom grinned and made her continue. She not only beat my ass she caught my balls several times making it even more excruciating. i screamed begging mom to have her stop. Nan stopped only to pull her panties she had been wearing all day and shoved them in my mouth. She says you like dirty underwear you suck on these perv. Make sure you taste the scuff marks too. I wasn't enjoying any of this but it wasn't going to stop as it went on for a long time. When i finally ended my ass and balls were burning. Nan took out here Polaroid and took pics she said to show her friends. i was really hurting and I looked at mom. She took me by the arm and back to my room. She was so a shamed me and she had me ly on the bed the rest of the day naked with the door open so all could see the shame. i would endure this punishment many times after this until I left for college. Despite the humiliation I continued do wear panties and bras for many years after. i wore my wife's clothes advancing from underwear to dresses and gowns. I would dress and think of what I felt like back then. Now I am 65 and my obsession has made me want to completely become a woman. I seek out men who like gurls like me. I want to be controlled and taken by men. One of my biggest fantasies is have a woman take real charge of me and give me the mom fantasy. i want to give in and be taken by a strong lady and live out my strong feeling of pleasing mom sexually. It is so hot of a fantasy that as I write this I am hard and playing with my clitty. I may never have that fulfilled but it is still burning inside of me.
I did have one experience which came pretty close. A woman I knew at work.was built so much like my mom. BBW type big tittes and big ass. I became a close friend of her's.and when my first marriage was failing she was there to talk to. A mutual friend set us up one night. He invited me to dinner and unbeknownst to me invited Leila. As the night went on and a few too many glasses of wine.. We found ourselves discussing our pasts. I was really enjoying her company. It got late so Leila announced she was leaving. I walked her to the car and we chatted. I leaned over and gave here a peck on the cheek. She grabbed my face and landed a strong kiss on my lips and proceeded to open my mouth with her tongue. I had never been so aggressively kissed like that before. She whispers in my ear that she had more to give me at her place. Well off we went and for the next few hours I was being controlled like never before We hardly had been at her place a short few minutes and she garbs my arm and pulls me to the bedroom. She is sitting on the bed and tells me that she needs to be satisfied. She tells me to undress and to ly on my back on the bed. I of course do as I am told. she says I hope you don't mind but you are mine for the night. She takes some neck ties from a drawer and begins to tie me to her bed. She leaves me there and goes to change. she comes back and she is almost naked except for leather panties and bra. She climbs up on the bed and is just inches from my mouth with her pussy.. Then put of no where she says mommy needs her boy to clean her dirty pussy. Well there I am licking a really wet smelly pussy. She is not hardly letting me breath. She fucks me mouth. she finally reaches a really big orgasm. Her release is so loud I am sure the neighbors could hear. i was so tuned on. She sits down next to me and tells me you really like tasting your mommy don't you. I look at her and tell her it is one of my fantatsies. She smiles and laughs at me telling me she knew I was a mamas boy. She begins to play with me and asks if my mom had ever played with my dick or balls. I said yes but mostly she spanked me.. She asked how many years did she do it and I told until i left home at 21. She smiled well now I must take her place. She ask me if I liked the idea and I told her yes. I was getting so urned on. She played with me but warned me not to cum. She found a dildo and played with it on my balls. As the night went on she spent as much time as she could humiliating me.. She eventually untied me turned me over and with out even asking shoved the dildo in my ass. she fucked me hard as I protested. She then was in complete control. I had given in to her and just let it happen...The best sex of my life. Late the next morning she gave me permission to jerk off which I did with great relief, She captured my cum and had me eat it. In my mind it was fitting. i was becoming a complete sub before I even knew what one was. In the end we ended the relationship as she grew tired of me. The final humiliation as she tossed me away. I haven't stopped thinking of this and I want to someday experience that felling again.
Thank You bobbiejoe for sharing
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afternoon spent looking for dom
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Posted:Nov 13, 2017 2:07 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 7:39 am
1001 Views
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today i have been on line just cruising. i board cast a while read messages. joined a few groups that caught my interest. a somewhat boring experience. i like to play during the day and i try to look for something different. toady my interests lead me to the s/mdmb world. i like over the years to include a bit of pain with my pleasure but it was all self inflicted. i have been dressing up for a while but i seem to have something missing. met a guy recently who was a bit rough or i just really hadn't fucked a true guy. i liked the way he took control of me and wished we could explore more of that feeling. i am disappointed to not yet have any response to posts i have made in the groups that cover this form of sex. maybe i might get lucky at some point. i did have a conversation with a guy in another chat site. he really excited me and it made me try to pursue this adventure.. i am looking and it could be m or f. i am not being fake to get off so let me know is anyone out there. please help Jennifer she wants to be controlled
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transition day 4
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Posted:Nov 10, 2017 9:10 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 7:39 am
1113 Views
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well yesterday was a bit different as i had to go back to reality for a bit. my and his wife were in town for a conference. I met them for lunch. We did some shopping. my favs were vices secret. I was in heaven i wanted to buy almost everything. i decided I needed new bras and panties so i plan togo on line and shop. The other pace was the shoe store. I saw several pair of heels that I might like. The store sizes only went to eleven though and I need at least a 11,5,
my visit was short and it was hard to see them go. I think when i finally come out for good telling them will be hard.
I returned home watched some tv but I was bored so I slipped into my panties and bra and babydoll.put on my wig and off I went to fantasy land. i now feel jennifer taking over wanting to expand her power over me. i was telling myself no broadcasting tonight but she in my head demanded we at least try.
the first attempt were not real good but later on as I relaxed we went back and Jennifer just took over.first touching myself showing off my body. then pulling the panties down down and really going to town on my cock. i think a lot more people were watching nd it spurred Jennifer on. we grabbed the dill do and lubed it up and jenns ass pussy. She really enjoyed that. She basically went wild fucking herself knowing people were watching and cheering her on. she wold ram it in hard and slowly pull it out. she on several occasions brought to her mouth to suck it clean and then right back into her pussy. I felt really good. she at times wanted to just please herself and ignore the watchers but she knew they needed attention to. she asked them if there was any thing kinky or special she could do for them. nipple clamps came up again. though the nipples had taken a beating this week she got them out and slowly clamped them on. The burning was intense but it excite at the same time. She started to pul on the chain pulling them out well that was electric. some in the group wanted her to pull harder. She tried but the pain would intensify. she pulled the chain to her mouth which really made them burn and when she played with her clit they would get pulled harder. She asked the watcher if one of them would consider a date and she would let that person control the chain. No takers this time but I was thinking I want my next date to be able to play and let a real man pull her clamps now that will be beyond intense.
it was wild fun playing to the watchers. I don't remember a time when Jennifer was getting cam requests and half of the watchers were on their cams jerking off. Jennifer made a point in going an watching and encourage them.. late in the evening a person I didn't know showed up. and well Jennifer had to talk to her since we don't get too many real girls watching. Jennifer chatted with her for a while. She asked if we would ever consider nipple percing j Jennifer got really excited about that when she say the ladies nipples pierced. This beautiful full figured big breasted woman was so hot. i couldn't get over the thought she looked like my mom. i tried to fight the urge not to think about it but again Jennifer was in charge so the thought over whelmed and the jerking got more intense. though the thoughts were uous I was getting into the visual. At one point she brought up the possibility of getting into s/m. turns out she is a dom and wondered if Jennifer had ever thought of it. this was an opening Jennifer couldn't resist. we took the conversation private. and began exploring the possibilities. so excited to think i could be so controlled and humiliated for someones else pleasure. I would mind checking it out but when I suggested we might want to try. the conversation change and the dom left without another word. I am not sure what happened she wouldn't reply. She friended Jennifer so maybe there might be a chance. Ironically before we had gone on line and read Sir Thomas's email talking about this very subject and specifically being under control of a female dom. he talked about it kind of fit in with my mom and her domineering up bring of me. all this talk about me and my mom being controlling kind of changed my mood. Jennifer began to play harder really fucking herself with the dildo. she was excited and hot, the broadcast didn't last much longer and then came the quest to find out why she left so fast. she had made a friend request which we immediate approved but then she was gone.the strangest thing 2 lady doms messaged Jennifer asking about wanting to be with them. they asked Jennifer to email them to get more info. It looks like they were fake as the emails bounced back undeliverable. Jennifer seemed hurt but just maybe as Sir Thomas instructed we if we want this need to branch out and make Jennifer more accessible. I am waiting for those instructions. don't know even where to start if Jennifer wants to experiment.
So my day ended without summing which is so mading. hope today has some promise,
If by chance Toy for you read this she can contact us again and maybe guide us in the right direction.. if by chance any other reader wants to chime in and give advise that would be great
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Transitioning Day Three
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Posted:Nov 9, 2017 12:01 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 7:39 am
1028 Views
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well my day didn't end as I planned. it started out as most days do being bored.
Played around with a few new outfits. i have been chatting and emailing a gentleman who caught my eye on a chat site I like. He is a dom and it wasn't the kind of chat I was expecting. Funny I was just looking for an outlet to just get off for the night. I go there to usually find some horny guy who want to jerk off with Jennifer.
This time it ended differently I got into this conversation with this old man about what I was going thru and the type of journey I wanted to take. He was very kind and gave me some advise that made sense. The chat wasn't some hard ass wanting me to humiliate myself for his amusement. It became an eye opening experience about where I might be going and how to best get there. There was many moments where he gave me advise about what not to do and who not to follow. warning signs and such down to telling me I needed a safe word if I decided s/m might be something to explore. He ended up sending me his email address and encouraged me to reach out time to time to chat more about my journey. We ended our chat without phone or jerking off. Side note I did get off but with my own thoughts. I have written him several times and he has written me back. His tone is always nice and he is willing to give advice. I find myself going back to see if he has written me. Silly I know like a little school girl and a crush almost. Anyway that my first thing yesterday.
My next thing took my day from boring to well lets just say surprising. I got on Affairlook early evening just to check admires flirtings and two gentlemen who have been showing interest inmate had IM me. i checked with them and the first one who by the way stood me up wanted to chat but then abruptly had to go figures. 2 strikes against this guy right. the other guy was well so much different. He asked for my address which at first seemed odd because i thought i had given it to him. The unexpected next message as get ready I am coming over. He may not said it that east way but I got the meeting. He may have given me an out by saying if that is ok but I so had the feeling he wasn't going to take a no anyway. I was well excited but really nervous because I was going to do this as me Jennifer. He odin't give me much time lucky I had showered before going on line so all I had to do was figure out what to wear and well doing girl things is so much harder and takes time. I found my new fav dress sexy underwear even down to the heels. That wasn't the hard part it is the wig and makeup thing that I am not very good with. I managed to get it all together and then it was waiting. he showed up on time and well the night went so much better than I had pictured. Oh I had issues please when isn't there issues. I was wearing heels for the first time with someone in the same room. I am still not real sturdy but I didn't fall even though i close one time. My biggest issue is how can you take a hot sexy wig and turn it into a mess. I want to know if any you girl might find this blog. how do I attempt to keep the hair off the face when making out and really the hard part in bed and being fucked. It just seemed to get in the way and I spent too much time trying to make it a distraction. At one point he asked if I just wanted to take it off. I wasn't going to let it win I wanted this full girl experience it stayed on but it wasn't alway where it was suppose to be. When things really got hot i felt it falling off. I was always able to catch it and keep it on but what do I do please if there is advice I need it.
Well as for the rest I was so excited. this was my first date as jennifer and I first thought was I going to be the aggressor. I have almost always played that role. Well only minutes into the small talk and my kissing him hard and opening up his shirt to play with his hairy chest my flirting I think got him ready because he grabbed me hard and brought himself on me on the couch and buried his face on my face his kissing became urgent and he was wanting me. I had never been with a guy like this where I knew I was no longer in control. we quickly moved the scene upstairs to the bedroom. Form then on it was the man dictating the action and the pace. What a thrill I was being eaten up and taken strongly but not hurting me. I can tell you this girl was really enjoying it.as sex goes it wasn't exotic or kinky just your basic suck and fuck. the only question he had of me was do I want him to cum in my ass or mouth.. my answer was mouth by the way I like it so much. Well the evening ended with my mouth full and yes swallowed. and a short thank you and good bye.
the only thing missing was I didn't cum. I kind of gave him the passive aggressive guilt trip but it wasn't going to change it and so he left.
Well I was sitting here all flush fro sex and still needing to release so I did want any good solid girl would do I went on Affairlook and broadcasted. I got lucky and there were a couple of horny dudes eager to help a girl and I jacked off for them. that by the way is a first for me. I have been trying this recently but I don't seem to get the hang of the camera. I can't read the comments with out pulling the lap top close and then they usually lose interest. Last night I was still having issue when I just said to myself fuck it I am going to leave the camera focused my my male clit and just go for it. I didn't care if anyone was watching or commenting. i was able to satisfy myself and if my date had been watching see what he missed because i came heavily all over myself. I even cleaned myself with the help of my fingers and my mouth. I had a lot of encouragement there form the watcher to eat my cum. ha ha pervs you are.
Well that was my day. an experience I enjoyed and came away with a few more questions to be answered. Oh one last thing I kind of screwed up in my excitement in getting ready for the date I happened to splash on some lady perfume. I wasn't thinking and I have to really apologies It will not happen again. Hope maybe someone will read this a t-girl or cd or someone that can help me in the future. I can only hope and have a good day.
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transitioning day two
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Posted:Nov 8, 2017 8:09 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 7:39 am
878 Views
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Hey I see some of my friends stopped by thread my first blog post. I think that is great and i thanks you for looking at it. I ws hoping I would have a comment or two but I guess if you didn't comment you didn't want to hurt my feelings. My post yesterday was my feelings coming out after many years thinking of my life. i noticed that i might be really putting myself out there for the world or maybe it is just late night drivel. What ever it is it is my thoughts.
Day two was uneventful. I was online for many hours chatting with many like minded individuals who especially last night seemed subdued. i got bored at one point so I decided to broadcast. I am finding that the broadcast are hit or miss. One night I have several people looking in. Last night I didn't get one comment from anyone coming by. I don't know what tomato of that. I will continue to broadcast when the moment strikes me. I think it encourages me to come out of my shell. I am hoping if I build up enough confidence I might decide to really come out and declare my new found freedom and my excitement of recognizing my fem side. as always your help in this journey is important to me. Should you come back and read this please comment if you ca. Your feedback will help me continue in my current path. Again thanks for the support.
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Transitioning Day 1
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Posted:Nov 7, 2017 8:53 pm
Last Updated:Nov 26, 2017 3:40 pm
1528 Views
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Well where do I start. I am a mature mwm. I have had a feeling deep in my soul that i would rather be a woman. As an intro I grew up with three sisters, a wonderful mom ( was a mama's boy), many female friends. I found it easier to be in the company of ladies. My first thoughts when I was young was I want the pretty dresses, I wanted the long hair, the underwear and all things fem. When I was 12 or 13 my body was changing. The obvious things face hair, growing taller, penis acting out in the worse times. I discovered "Wet Dreams", I was always in a state of arousal. I noticed the changes going on in my sisters bodies. I was there when I found out about girls having periods. My older sister came home from school crying and was looking for mom. My mom took here a side and discussed what had happened and made sure she knew what to do during her time of the month. My reaction was why don't I get any special attention. I was again feeling left out I wanted this that I couldn't have.
As the years went on I watched my sister develop into a woman, breasts growing up other body part changing. these thoughts always had me getting horny but I also resented that I couldn't, have these changes. I would find a night gown of my sisters in the dirty clothes with panties and bras. i would hide them in my closet and jerk myself off when I would put them on. I was always excited with ladies clothes. My favorite memory was the summer winds on my back porch blowing up the gowns making my penis get hard. I wanted this feeling more and more. The last experience was in my senior year my sister had a friend over to spend the night. She was cute in an akcward way. We were watching a movie I saw here looking at me a little to much. i had heard she had a crush on me. I teased her a bit. At one point we got up at the same time both needing to go to bathroom. We played a dance of sorts and we were touching innocently until we got to the bathroom. I let her go first. This little teasing always lead me to get hot and usually ended up spilling out under my covers. The next morning I was still excited. I snuck into my sisters bedroom and say the friends bag open on the bed. I couldn't help myself as I looked in the bag and saw her undies. I pulled out 2 pair that appeared used. I took them to my room and smelled her fragrance tried them on and of course left my juices on them. The stupid thing I did later was to replace them in the bag with out cleaning the wet spots. The next night I felt the chill of cold reactions when we were in a room together. I knew she knew what I had done. I was fearing the worst that she would tell someone. She never told but that kind of stopped my experiment. Years past got married did the normal things with not a thought about girls clothes. Then came computers and the internet. Porn of all kinds poured in over whelming my urges. It was first the normal guy on girl, lingerie, bj type videos. New ideas came to me, watched transgender porn, gay porn on occasion. I even watched s/ m, bondage , and even watersports. I as a side note have tried my first glass of piss. I wanted to know what it felt liked and taste like just incase i am asked to play this game. It is ok but not sure I can always do it with just anyone.I am obsessed with drinking cum. I like to swallow and will clean you up after ejaculation. Now this is better than I want to say most ladies will do. My cross dressing feelings were coming back but with the added excitement of seeing guys on guys. I never thought of being gay or Bi but I couldn't ignore these feelings. Found myself wanting to experiment with man on man sex. I visited many a chat room and ending up in gay rooms. I found as I chatted I could get more reaction as a woman/man. I finally developed Jennifercd as my screen personality. Spent may a night helping men jerk off. This chatting developed into obsession and my other self wanted to perfect her feminine side. when I was on line I was Jennifer. One particular hot night I met a guy who lived near by and we chatted for a few hours. He was in total seduce mode and I liked the flattery. . I would go online hoping to see him every time. We finally set up a scheduled our online dates. One night the subject of phone sex came up and I was truthful about never doing it. He would tell me it was just like online chats only easier. I told him I was a guy and not a female voice. He knew that and told me it didn't matter. He said we are just two horny guys looking to get off. Finally one night as we chatted he mentioned it to me again. I finally let in and we shared our first phone. It was hot and I think I was very good at it as he got off very quickly. I was surprised he still wanted to talk. He went into full blown attack to seduce me and get me into his bed. I was flattered but it scared me a stranger wanting to get down and dirty. It took a few months and a lot of phone chat but my fantasy was getting harder to ignore. Over the past ten years with the help of chat lines and porn I finally was to excited to say no. He had used logic every time saying I was going on gay chat lines getting other guys off. My desire to dress up and be fem only made his point even stronger. I was interested in finding my true feelings and if they were real. He made the break thru and with in a couple of days I was arriving at his house. I had no idea what I was doing. I had never kissed a man let alone have sex. I was excited but scared. Well by the end of our first date I was sold I wanted this so bad. He seduced me with a little vodka and some joints. next thing I knew I was naked on the bed with a hot bear of a man. He was gentle ben. I kissed his bearded face letting him tongue my mouth. I fell in love with his hairy chest. He showed me how he liked to have his nipples sucked. Every moment those few hours where eye opening feelings. My first bj was well hot. When he took me and turned me overI was over the scary part. He had me in so many positions and in the end I got on top of him fucking him rather than him fucking me. That is when I knew I wanted this feeling more often. 4 years later I have become more and more sure I want to be handled by a man and I wanted to give up control and be a sub woman. This year I really dedicated myself to explore my fem side. I have a really nice gay friend who has helped me realize the fantasy of being finally becoming a woman in my mind. He has had a couple girl parties. where I was allowed to dress in womans clothes. I got more and more obsessed with achieving the whole fem experience. Just two weeks ago I drove over an hour to my friends dressed up the whole time even stopping and getting cash from an ATM. that was the most liberating. I finally decided I didn't care what others might be saying seeing me. So I have begun this blog to document my journey to making a transition to full womanhood. I can't say I will go the whole distance with surgery but who knows where this will take me but I hope I find some good friends a long the way.
I will try to write something everyday. It might not completely have a daily change update but I plan to mix in more of my story How I am now where I am. I want to try and understand how I now have this urgent need to over turn the normal and journey into transgender territory. I ask if you do read this and have advise and experiences that can help me learn what I don't know please feel free to comment. I am asking for support knowing it will be my decision and the more info the better to help me move forward. Your encouragement will be very important to me. Help a girl out as well with beauty tips. Makeup I have no clue what I am doing. I am pretty good at fashion trend so advice on clothes probably isn't necessary. I started my grown up work experience as a ladies apparel manager. I know what I like and I have spent 40 some years dressing wives and many of their girl friends. i do need the secret of walking in heels. I got my first pair yesterday, I spent most of today trying to walk normal. It isn't as easy as I thought. I haven't fallen yet. jewelry is another mystery don't have a feel for accessories. If you have suggestions on how I can be more fem please speak up. I would like to develop some new friendships a long this journey. If you see something I say is completely wrong please set me straight.
I am open minded and will try to except criticism that might be hard. Thanks if you got this far I hoping to blog each day. It might not include any milestones but I do want to also write about how I think I got here in my journey. Personnel observations over the many years that lead me to be a cd and maybe transitioning to a full woman with my own VJ. I do have a few stories some might be against the norm and even taboo but I think bringing up warts and all is important for me to understand why I am who I am. Please bare with me as this is the first time I have ever written anything in the public. May my journey be exciting and fruitful.
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