40 Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex With Women
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Posted:Sep 23, 2007 6:13 pm
Last Updated:Oct 24, 2007 12:30 pm
2818 Views
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1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes
her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's
worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the
ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to
extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which your
rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns
her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly
sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently.
Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie
toy, isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area.
Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East
and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body
which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into
downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
 GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just
ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop,
they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not
there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant
present, not a 's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand
down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney.
This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt so
don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her
clitoris and the exterior ofher vagina at first, then gently slip a
finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her
in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some
move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple
of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.
1 GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like
an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up
slowly,with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach,
the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a
few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites
of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb
vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has
something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue
on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.It's
about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you
want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes
it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she
can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.
In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
2 MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel
quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't
think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words
"__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers
are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a
Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a
sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they
have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear
turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a
big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line.
If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
3 NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and
she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a
soup
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Redneck Special Forces
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Posted:Sep 23, 2007 10:35 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:5 am
2459 Views
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The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.
These Alabama , Arkansas , Georgia , Kentucky , Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma , Tennessee West Virginia and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq
and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, the American flag or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
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Wal-mart Greeter
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Posted:Sep 23, 2007 10:19 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:5 am
2392 Views
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A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into WalMart with her two , yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The WalMart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice you have there.
Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't." "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"
"Have a great day and thank you for shopping at WalMart."
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The Staths
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Posted:Sep 20, 2007 11:20 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:5 am
2690 Views
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The Status............
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquried as he entered the room.
"Oh it's just a statue," she repield non chalanity. "The Smiths brought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much. I got one for us.
No more was said abou the statue , not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband ,got out of bed and returned a while later with a sandwich nd a glass .
"Here", he said to the statue ,eat something. I stoodlike an idiot at he Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass od water......
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25 Years
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Posted:Sep 19, 2007 9:19 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 10:5 am
2412 Views
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25 Years................
After being married 25 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, Honey , do you realize that 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.....Now we have a nice house , nice car. big bed and plasma TV but now I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things...
Now the wife is a very reasonable woman......she told the husband to find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed......
Shut up and take out the Trash!!!!!!!!
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis!!!!!!!!
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The Newlyweds
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Posted:Jul 2, 2007 7:13 pm
Last Updated:Oct 24, 2007 12:31 pm
2373 Views
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A couple had only been married for two weeks and the young husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town
and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc..
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...
You know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches."But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND
EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?" and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story.
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