Announcing the NEW Affairlook Religion
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Posted:Apr 19, 2008 11:19 am
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2008 10:58 am
3976 Views
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Before you read on...understand that I am not a real religious person. At all. In fact, up until a few years ago, I thought Easter was when Jesus came out of the cave, saw his shadow, and there was 6 more weeks of winter. Who knew?
I have noticed that here at Affairlook we have many different religious beliefs. Protestant, Jewish, Catholic, and Scientology. Yet all are here for the same pursuit. I think we need to form an Affairlook religion...Protishlicology.
That way everyone starts at the same orgin. We all follow the same beliefs. However...we need some rules! I propose:
1. Thou shalt have no other blogs before thee
2. That shalt have no carven toy as it may splinter in they womb
3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy blog in their vein
4. Remember thy panties and keep them holey
5. Honor thy parent sites
6. Thou shalt not commit murder by sex. Half way(although considered attempted murder) is fine
7. Thou shalt not commit adultry unless thy mate operates the camera, signs a waiver, or otherwise consents
8. Thou shalt not steal a heart. Or genital.
9. Thou shalt not bear false photos on thy profile
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox or donkey as statutes prohibit such crap. Coveting boobies, genitals...OK.
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22
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FREE Assistance For Earthquake Trauma
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Posted:Apr 18, 2008 5:37 pm
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2008 4:15 am
3731 Views
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As you probably have heard, the midwest experienced an earthquake this morning around 5:30 AM. Not much physical damage, but perhaps a lot of psychological damage.
Many women that I have spoken with are very upset and some may suffer long term repercussions from this experience. It is not so much the vulnerability aspect but something physical. Something very alarming!
Many of the ladies I spoke with at noon still had vibrating breasts. Ladies...excessive breast vibration can be dangerous! I intend to do my part to help those in need.
Stop by Tall Central and I will personally stop your breasts from vibrating! That's right, I am a highly trained professional in the oriental art of self-gratification (Kum Fu). I will use these closely guarded secrets to stop your vibration!
No need to thank me. I'm here for the people!
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16
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As Requested...My Profile
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Posted:Apr 15, 2008 7:09 pm
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2008 1:24 pm
3634 Views
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Standard members cannot always access profiles. OK , if you have the gumption...here's mine.
Hmm, about me. Not much to tell really. I was born in a log cabin that I helped my father build. I never knew my mother as she left home before I was born. My father used to routinely punish me by locking me in a suitcase and then toss it down the stairs (which I enjoy to this day). I Lost Grandma a couple years back from second-hand chew. My eyes stink, hair routinely grows from my palms, and although I do live under a bridge, I rarely eat raw sheep. As far as occupation, I used to be a famous fiction writer. Perhaps you've read one of my checks.
I enjoy soft touches, lingering kisses, and expressive eyes. I dislike aggression, webbed toes and ice water enemas.
Actually, I am a semi-retired stuntman just looking for enjoyment in life.
My Ideal Person:
Fit, stable, and secure. A sense of humor would be nice as well. Busty is also good, however, compact has its qualities. A lady that takes pride in her appearance as much as what's inside her head is ideal.
On second thought...let's go with breathing!
A few questions are important to me though.
1. Do you have any felony convictions in the past 6 months?
2. Any shallow graves on your property?
3. Any tattoos with an ex's name crossed out?
4. Any partially healed gunshot wounds?
What location do you fantasize about for a sexual encounter?:
Mostly my genitals
Sexual Activities
What kind of night life do you enjoy?
Happy Hour at AA meetings
Sexual Interests
What types of sexual activities turn you on?
Most anything that does not involve me being shot.
What types of sexual activities are OFF LIMITS to you?
Executions.
Besides the obvious, what areas of your body do you consider erogenous zones?
Brain, forehead, left nostril, kneecaps
Fantasies
Tell one of your favorite sexual fantasies. Don't hold back!
My favorite fantasy is that maybe someday I will have one.
What role-playing scenes do you fantasize about?
Marine raiders, Hitler & the peasant girl
What location do you fantasize about for a sexual encounter?
Mostly my genitals
Sexual Accessories
What bondage type gear do you enjoy using during sex play?
Oven mitts
What kind of porn movies do you enjoy the most?
Last one I saw involved chipmonks, haven't watched since.
Dreams & Goals Add/edit these topics on your own profile
Physical Stuff Add/edit these topics on your own profile
What is your sexual health status?
Much better than mental health
Entertainment, Sports & Hobbies
What type of television shows do you enjoy watching?
News, Sit-coms, Dramas, Arts & Entertainment (A&E, Food Network, Home Improvement, etc.), Talk Shows, Variety Shows/Stand-up/Comedy, Documentary/Learning/History, Movie Channels
What kind of movies do you enjoy the most?
Talkies
What kind of music do you enjoy listening to?
Various elevator selections
What does listening to music do for you?
It's inspiring
What are your favorite musicians or bands?
Rudy Vallee
What are your favorite authors or books?
Holistic Psychiatry, Nude Republicans
What types of activities interest you?
Joined the "Mile High" Club. Or, do you need to be with another person for it to count?
What types of sports and activities are you active in?
Out-of-body surfing
Work & Living Environment
What is your current dating situation?
I'm single
Outlook on Life
What words best describe your personality?
Off center
What qualities do you look for in a mate?
Sanity, Intelligence, Humor, Can Drive at Night
What animal best describes your personality?
Duckbilled Platypus
Tell us what things in life are most important to you.
Seeing tomorrow as unabrasively as possible.
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14
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Yep. Women Are Smartyer Than Men.
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Posted:Apr 15, 2008 4:17 pm
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2008 8:33 am
3424 Views
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it's taken me a while to understand this, but I do. Women are so much smarter than men. Here's an example.
After hearing the news from the doctor that his father had a few weeks to live, the young man stopped off at a bar.
He sat there and kept having drink after drink trying to mask his woe. After an hour or so in came the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He thought for a moment and then approached her.
"I know I'm just an average ordinary looking guy, but my father is worth over 30 million dollars. I am am his sole heir and he'll die in a few weeks. Would you come home with me?"
She did.
Three weeks later she was his step mom.
I rest my case.
The all new MousePact will be available from TallCo® in a few months. Handy isn't it?
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4
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It
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Posted:Apr 14, 2008 4:08 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2008 6:58 pm
3964 Views
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Call me crazy. Call me irresponsible. I am.
I am just about ready to open the photography studio facilities and felt like doing something nice. So...here it is:
Anyone who wants it will get a FREE 8½X11 photograph taken by your's truly. We're not talking half price...we're talking free. If you want additional shots, you pay for the materials.
Tell your friends. Tell your neighbors. Tell grandma.
Contact me for details and to reserve a time slot.
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19
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All NEW From TallCo
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Posted:Apr 13, 2008 7:53 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2008 4:24 am
3787 Views
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TallCo® has brought you some pretty amazing products over the years. The self-propelled suppository, the helium fill breat implant (you loose weight the bigger you go), the artificial tonsil (for those who suffer separation anxiety), and many other useful items. Well, our R&D folks have done it again!
I ask you this:
Gnaw on your pencil? Need nutrition? Who doesn't?
Studies released just last week have shown major health benefits from eating Chia seeds. Yep, those suckers are actually nutritious and may be just the pick-me-up your system needs.
Who hasn't gnawed on their pencil? Wood has NO health benefits.
TallCo® jumped on this one and is offering the all NEW Chia Pencil. Gnaw away me buckos. Turn frustration into nutrition.
Coming this Spring:
The all new Jesus Action Figure with Miracle Grip. No longer will those cute little Born Again tykes have the devil's idle time on their grubby little mitts! Now they can heal quietly for hours and you know where they are. (Leper Action Figures sold separately)
For the Agnostic , we'll offer the Jebus Action Figure with Bowling Ball Grip. Every throw is a gutter ball!
TallCo®...building a better tomorrow.
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14
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Whoever Understands Women or Telekinesis, Raise My Hand
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Posted:Apr 11, 2008 9:33 pm
Last Updated:Apr 17, 2008 7:20 pm
4067 Views
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As most of you know, I am a photographer and, on occasion, have been known to prank a bit with PhotoShop.
At her request I took some shots of my last ex. The mother of my two youngest daughters. She is an attractive blonde and wanted some shots along the beauty/glamour line. Since I have already met her lawyer, of course I complied willingly.
I took over 100 shots. Most were quite enchanting. However...to my taste they were a tad boring. Good old PhotoShop to the rescue. I toiled for several hours on the shot to the left. If you click on it you can appreciate her beauty from my point of view.
Her actual face was used as the mask on the table.
When I gave her the finished 8½ by 11's I included this shot.
Seems blonde ex's have little or no sense of humor. Which probably explains my wonderful success in relationships.
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27
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Overcoming Adversity. Why Bother When There's Denial?
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Posted:Apr 11, 2008 8:00 am
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2008 11:40 am
3585 Views
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I was watching the American Idol show the other night and was stopped in my tracks. Here was a show dedicated to helping those in need. What a wonderful idea.
I make it a point to help less fortunate people whenever I can. I know Mz Huny does the same. We all should.
What stopped me was the appearance of 15 year old Miley Cyrus. Those of you in my age group who may not know who she is...she is the of the Achy Breaky Heart guy, Billy Ray Jim Bob. She also has her own television show called Handout in Montana or something.
Anyway, what impressed me is how she has become successful despite the obvious adversity in her life. And I'm not talking about having him for a dad either.
I feel sorry for Miley Cyrus. Imagine going through life knowing that your father forgot the "S" in front of your name. Horrible.
Yet she has become successful. All on her own. Sorta.
Let this be a lesson to all of us. "But for the grace of (insert religious icon here), there go I."
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9
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Guaranteed Birth Control! Other stuff too
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Posted:Apr 8, 2008 2:47 pm
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2008 3:15 pm
4001 Views
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I have been absent for a spell. Duh. May be tossing my usual crap back up on a more regular basis.
For this particular post, I hesitated in sharing until I was certain it worked. It does! I have the answer to birth control!
I have spent years training my sperm to have A.D.D.. Yep. These guys forget all about the mission and are quite happy playing among themselves. Touch football, chess, hide and seek. They do everything BUT find the egg.
Now I know what you're thinking. "Does Howie Mandel ever wear a toupee?" I don't know. I do know about distracted sperm. Say your religion prevents you from practicing birth control...no problem. Call me! I have been thrown out of every legitimate religion there is. I'm safe. Distracted sperm will be the catch-phrase of the decade. Mark my words.
Go ahead...mark them.
Next I would like to talk about names. I ran into a childhood friend named Joe Przybysz. If you're Polish you know I'm not fibbing. To me, Przybysz should be pronounced...Prizz Bizzz. It isn't. It's pronouned Shee Bish. How? Maybe in Polish Shee Bish means Prizz Bizz. Any help out there? And why aren't there any vowels? I think if you're going to spell your name Przybysz you ought to at least toss in a couple numbers. Pr3zybysz0. Looks better and is no more confusing than the original spelling.
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19
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Since We're Talking About Testicles
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Posted:Jan 26, 2008 10:23 am
Last Updated:Apr 6, 2008 4:47 pm
5362 Views
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It's been a spell since I tossed anything up so I figured I might share some of my renowned wisdom and guidance today.
Ever wonder why men's athletic supporters do not lift and separate? I know I do. Guy's clothes are so boring.
Is it just me, or does everyone sing the Four Season's song, "Stay" whenever you approach an intersection with a green light? The lyrics fit nicely.
As a public Service, I thought I'd share that I have recently self-diagnosed a condition. I fear I have RPS. Restless Penis Syndrome. I get the pins and needles sensation all the time. Even when I'm not doing accupuncture or accidently slammed him in a car door.
And guys, forget what you have been told. Playing "she loves me, she loves me not" with scrotum hair will not cure testicle lean. You need corrective underwear for that. I've been wearing them for years and I'm proud to say that mine now dangle within 5 inches of each other. Best money I ever spent.
Another helpful pointer...nipple clamps should not be serrated nor have a tripping mechanism. Mouse traps must only be substituted in an emergency.
PREDICTIONS
The Giants will win the SuperBowl. Hillary will drop out of the race. Mr. Clean will come out of the closet. And, since driving is lacking the explosive excitement it once had...Ford will reintroduce the Pinto.
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While We
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Posted:Dec 1, 2007 9:54 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2008 6:07 am
6198 Views
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Yes...I am stuck on Hillary today. And we're not talking that sweet kinda Band-aid stuck on you either. We're talking more of a tar and feathers kind.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't just singled out the Hillster here. I have plenty of gripes about the entire lineup of Presidential candidates so far.
In the past, I have taken a look at political races with the same high interest one gives a boil. Painful, nasty to look at, and I certainly don't want to touch it.
At least from my perspective, and I admit mine is a tad off-center, I just can't see anyone that I want running my homeland. OK, sure, most any of them are better than what we currently have, but I'm tired of settling. Tired of being embarrassed. Tired of shaking my head. Tired of lies. And pretty damn tired of cold weather. (hang with me here...I'm on a roll)
I'm starting to think that maybe we need a few more political parties in this country. The Big 2 just aren't offering anything other than the usual double-talking side-stepping evasive baby kissers who disappear the day after the election.
We need better choices. We need people who don't understand the political game. People that actually answer a question with an answer. People who care about what's really right and wrong. Maybe...dare I say...OF the people...FOR the people...maybe even BY the people? I guess it's up us.
Hmm, I wonder what would happen if nobody voted? Each candidate would have their own vote. The votes of their families...maybe. Nah, big family politicians would win. The only solution is more parties.
Liberals, conservatives, hawks, doves...what about just simple right on wrong based on the outcome rather than a jaded belief. WTF? What the hell am I talking about? Nothing will change. In a few years years I'm just going to have a new face and name to shake my head over and hide in embarrassment.
I'm crawling back under my rock.
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12
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Let
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Posted:Dec 1, 2007 9:33 am
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2008 5:09 pm
4865 Views
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As Blogville's resident political reporter, and part-time tongue depressor tester, I felt it was in all of our best interest to have a gander at this photo and discuss the possibilities of adding a belt sander to our daily beauty regiment.
Ever hear the term "bad light"? Here it is.
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3
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Stuff Sitting Sideways In My Crawl
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Posted:Nov 19, 2007 5:48 pm
Last Updated:Apr 14, 2008 4:16 pm
5055 Views
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As you may have suspected already...I'm a tad opinionated. Just a tad mind you. Some stuff just isn't right. Here's today's winners.
I just finished watching a sequel to a movie I liked. Surprise...the sequel sucked. Now I'm not talking a nurturing suckle here . I'm talking full blown mouth open hog sucking. Had I not been home...I would have peed on the screen. We're talking not happy.
Why do greedy producers do this? Why can't they take a lead From Christmas and Mad Max? Remember the scene in Mad Max when the mutant guys says..."Just walk away"? The producers need to Just Walk Away. Leave a winner alone. Oh yeah, the lesson from Christmas. Ever sing The First Noel? Me too. Ever sing The Second Noel? Nope. Fifth Noel? Nope. There aren't any more Noels. The First Noel must have nailed it. The Big Guy knows a winner when He sees it. Just Walk Away.
OK next beef and before you get your feathers ruffled...I'm talking literal here . 900 pound people that park their vehicle 7 inches from the door at WalMart and then climb into a scooter and run into stuff...and me. I am overweight right now and have absolutely nothing against packing on a few pounds. It's American. But 900 of those suckers...I gotta a problem.
First off, a 900 pounder NEEDS exercise. PARK IN THE BACK OF THE LOT. Better yet...next door. Back to the basics. Exercise good. A Twinkie good. 300 Twinkies bad. Rule #1: If you ride a scooter at WalMart and any part of you is dragging on the floor...rethink the scooter and walk. Rule #2: Learn to drive a scooter BEFORE you get on one! Rule #3: The frozen food case is NOT a braking mechanism. It is fun to crash into with a cart though. And so are those carefully stacked towel displays.
Don't get me wrong, I am not against a larger person who has true need for a scooter using one, it's great idea and I'm glad they're available. However...the people that need one because a forklift or backhoe is too expensive are a different story.
Next beef...Kevin Trudeau. This wanker is the pitch man for all sorts of Miracle Cures. He's the snake you see in those infomercials selling books. The networks have exposed this slimeball on several occasions and the creep manages to weasel out of litigation each time. Although the Federal Trade Commission banned this master huckster from selling "cure-alls" he shifted gears to book peddling which is protected by the first ammendment. Do a seach of this creep and you'll see what i mean.
OK, I think I'm done bitching for a while. Probably.
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To link to this blog (rm_talldarkavg1) use [blog rm_talldarkavg1] in your messages.
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