Rose Colored Glasses & Jumping Bean Thoughts...
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Posted:Feb 28, 2007 9:35 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2007 5:11 pm
8407 Views
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Welcome ya'll...I'm kinda surprised that you keep coming back, with my post being so random - but I've always felt that if I didn't have something interesting to impart - it's just better that I keep my fingers still, (i.e. mouth shut)  Anyhow...it's that time again. No one strong thought, just a bunch of goobly, gobbly thoughts itching to get out.
1. So...I finally figured out why my heart was so sore, (*Sigh*). I was coming up on a date that held significant life lessons for me and though I thought I had dealt with those demons, apparently the little fuckers don't give it up that easily. February 17th...the day my life changed forever and my rose colored glasses fell crashing to the floor. While it was the most devastating thing to ever happen to me at the time, I have since learned in hindsight, it was also the best thing to happen to me. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...", Who said that? Hmmm...maybe one day I'll tell ya about the lowest of my lows.
2. I was home last weekend, and it's the strangest thing really. We thought it was gonna take a bit of time for my parents to settle into their new home...it's been barely a month and yet the minute you walk in, it's HOME. Even stranger...it seems to have had a very positive effect on my Dad. He is in better health, better spirits, and better mindset. I think it's because every day he sat in his house and was reminded constantly of all he had "lost", of all he could no longer "do"...he's free of that now. It's pretty damn kewl.
3. It's recently been brought to my attention by my big sister, (whom I totally adore), that my two incredibly self-righteous, necks redder than a fire engine brothers believe me to be a Lesbian. See...I've been a "single" woman now for about 4 years and in that time I've not brought home a "man" for them to pick apart, plus I cut my hair short...so in their teeny, tiny, closed up minds...I MUST be a lesbian. (Side note here...I don't think there's anything wrong with Lesbians...just that I'm not one. Of course in their minds that would just be the most horrible thing I could ever do.) **Sigh** I've offered to send video assurance, but they didn't seem all that excited about it. They can't seem to get it through their tiny pea brains that I won't be bringing a man home until he's one I know I want to keep.
4. Which brings me to this deep thought...I want to fall in love and be swept off of my feet by that Crazy Love Van Morrison keeps singing about. Indeed, it is one of the deepest desires of my heart, and yet...I just keep seeming to miss the mark. Do you think that means I'm not ready yet? How do I get ready?
That's it...you're free to go back to your regularly scheduled lives now. Thanks for sharing a bit of mine.
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*Sigh*.....
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Posted:Feb 15, 2007 9:04 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2007 9:43 pm
8288 Views
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My heart hurts...and I am confused. Is anybody else feeling that way too?
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12
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Vulnerability....
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Posted:Feb 7, 2007 11:25 pm
Last Updated:Feb 21, 2007 3:47 pm
8600 Views
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"All the best things in life come packaged in a ribbon of risk. You untie the gift, you assume the risk, and equally, the Joy. Parenthood is like that. Marriage is life that. Friendship is like that. (And by special request...) Raising a Rottie is like that.
In order to experience life in the full sense, you expose yourself to a bottomless pit of vulnerability. That is the essence of True Love."
-Kristen Armstrong
If I had read this quote 5 years ago I would have "humph'd" quite loudly and thought to myself, "what an idealistic idiot". The thought of allowing myself to be vulnerable was as scary to me as a summer ride on Busch Garden's meanest roller coaster. I had untied my gift many years ago only to find it filled with lies, betrayals and an abundance of raw pain. Being cold and cynical was much easier.
Except it wasn't. Because if you close off all your feelings, if you never let another person in because it may not work - then you lose. You lose what "could" be. You lose the chance of that one perfect gift, wrapped in ribbons of happiness, given in the belief that the deepest pain of heart break will never be stronger than the essence of true love.
Perhaps raising that Rotti helped me more than I could have ever guessed... 
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Seriously...randomness.....
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Posted:Jan 23, 2007 6:45 pm
Last Updated:Feb 2, 2007 3:29 pm
9176 Views
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Oh yea...it's that time again. Just brain wandering from one place to another. Does yours ever do that? I'm worried to say that mine does it much more than I get on here and tell you about...
1. So...after a minor surgery 3 weeks ago, I am now the proud owner of a very, very, very pretty pink uterus...or so my Doctor says. Seems some nasty little endometriosis had decided to move in, found it a comfy place to live and decided to stay. Three weeks ago my doctor went in and burnt the little bastard out, leaving me with said very pretty pink uterus. Ummmmm....anybody wanna take a peek?
2. Weekend before last, in the middle of January "winter", Mother Nature got tired of shivering and gave herself and us a beautiful "summer" day. Tucked right in the middle of a 42% day and a 38% day, she gave us a 76% day. It was glorious. Spent the whole day in the company of good friends walking down the beach and watching Maggie play in the sand. See...it's true - it really IS a woman's prerogative to change her mind.
3. While pulling up my "birthday list" I noticed that a lot of very special people in my life are Aquarians. My Daddy turned 78 on the 21st, (and God...that's a miracle in and of itself). My massage therapist birthday is today, (the 23rd), and without HIM in my life I would be a crooked old mean bitch. Maggie's birthday is the 24th, she'll be 10 and I am reminded that we are in her "twilight" years and FFS...I totally adore that dog. The 1st of Feb, my will be 23, and though he sometimes drives me crazier than looney toon head case, I love his Spirit. The 3rd of Feb is my Moon Sister's birthday, and though I've only known her a year, she's been a fast and loyal friend and a sweet addition to my life. If you get a chance go by and wish GMURN a Happy Day. It's just weird huh? So many aquarians...
4. Of course...the 24th is also my ex-husbands birthday...and though I'll wish him a happy year, I have to say, Aquarian/Virgo did NOT mix very well for me in the relationship arena. So I guess my lesson is that Aquarians are wonderful as long as I don't...like...you know...marry them.
5. This weekend I'm heading back to Carolina, this time to move my parents out of the house they have lived and loved in for 48 years. I've never known another "home". It's gonna be incredibly weird walking out of that house for the last time. My Mom is excited, this will be the first time they've lived in an "apartment" since they were married all those 54 years ago. She sees it as a new adventure and while it will take a load of responsibility off of her shoulders, I know that in some ways it's gonna bruise her sweet heart. Daddy, of course, is oblivious, or as he says in those rare moments..."wherever she goes..I go". **sigh**
That's it sweet peeps. I don't want to scare you after all. May your next week be a good one and I'll see ya on the flip side. (I'm sure there will be STORIES to tell after this weekend. giggle)
**original artwork by: Alexander Lyamkin
Was born 1964, in Siberia (Russia). Graduated from Art College, and also self-taught through years of creative and personal development. Perfect photographical quality of Alexander's paintings fascinates and astonishes. The artist's surreal paintings, humorous and elegant, highly prized by collectors, are held in personal and corporate collections around the world.
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Sometimes....
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Posted:Jan 12, 2007 7:55 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2007 8:15 am
9379 Views
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Sometimes you have to stop...
Stop crunching numbers...
Stop worrying...
Stop planning....
Stop thinking about tomorrow-
Because darling ,
Sometimes tomorrow can't come until you stop trying to make it get here.
- el's
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Erotic Dream....
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Posted:Jan 5, 2007 9:38 am
Last Updated:Nov 26, 2011 7:05 pm
8974 Views
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erotic dreams
flowing freely through
my barely conscious mind-
the brush of a hand
sliding, like silk, over my face
my lips, my neck, my breast...
a work roughened palm swirling over
my now sensitive nipple
making my body push up
begging for more-
aching for more-
touch me...yes...there
you know what I want
what I need...
feel my body quiver
as your fingers roam closer
and closer...
tease me with anticipation
whisper soft touches along my thighs
compelling me to open...
completely and freely
to your touch, to your gaze-
my eyes, clouded over from sleepy haze
turned deepest blue with pure lust
meet yours and silently
without words...
beg...please -
please...
touch me, taste me, breathe me in
drink me with abandon
drown in the feast you've brought forth-
feel my legs grow tight around you
and my body tremble violently
as the first wave of intense pleasure...
so sweet...
so beautiful...
so perfect...
rolls over and through my body
making me gasp your name in wonder...
you smile at me and pull me closer
lay your head on my still quivering belly
feather lite touches meant to soothe -
and whisper with words full of promise...
sleep now.
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Randomly Naughty AND Nice....
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Posted:Dec 23, 2006 11:12 am
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2007 6:15 pm
9311 Views
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1. I love the little Christmas card, click on it and make it bigger, if nothing else it'll make you smile. I've found that there are many "Radiant Beautiful Angels" living here in Blogland. So maybe we're all a bit naughty for being on here, but damn...for the most part everyone of you that I've had the pleasure of meeting have been more than nice. So get from behind the potato and SHINE ON.
2. I've found that I really like being "naughty". It seems to fit. I spent so many years being "nice" and now realize that you can actually be both. In fact...being both kinda throws people off. I like throwing people off...it's one of the reason I got my first tattoo...which led to the next...and the next...and then on to piercings. I love watching people's first reaction and then when they get to know me they realize I'm really not, and never could be...a Biker Chickie.
3. December has been a rough month for me. I've finally come out of my "grief" and have a much better hold on things. We're on a journey and sometimes you just have walk the walk you've been given. It sucks...but one also has to remember that even the worst journey has moments of beauty along the way. I'm sure I'll have to take a few more side trips along the way, but I also know that with the support and love of my friends I'll be alright. The strength of love is pretty incredible huh?
4. My little family is all together now. Babygurl came in from California, Number one is here and we're leaving in the morning to go "home". I love having my around me...I love the quiet minutes of Christmas evening when we're tired and usually end up on a couch somewhere. I sit in the middle and they randomly lean or lay on me and we just hold each other. It's powerful good stuff. We talk about everything and watch "A Christmas Story" and I get to hear and feel my 's belly deep laughs which always give me a charge of bright white light. I remember that in spite of all the turmoil life is good, so very, very good.
Enough from me...other than to say to you...
May you have a Merry and Wonder filled Christmas
And may Happiness find you wherever you are.
Blessed Be
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Does It Really Have To Be This Hard?...
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Posted:Dec 18, 2006 7:56 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2007 8:34 pm
9747 Views
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Allow me to just preface this post with a little note. I'm venting here...because this is my space to share openly what I'm feeling at any particular moment. My chest is tight and there have been moments today when I seriously felt like I was on the verge of an honest to goodness real live panic attack. I'm a virgo, I don't like "not knowing"...and I hate feeling helpless.
So if I'm feeling helpless, I can only imagine what is going through my Daddy's head at any given moment. I'm looking hard, so very hard for the humor, but at the moment it's just completely escaping me. In my last post I shared with you the words that changed everything, and yet, until I went home I don't think even I understood just how desperately sad things had become.
Eighty-five percent of the time he is lost. He is, as my Mother Goddess tells me, out to play, living in his world, having intense conversations with relatives long dead and not at all worried about what his future holds. Though this is quite worrisome for those of us who love him, he is not at all concerned. I choose to believe that he's actually seeing these relatives and they have in some way come to light his future path for him. And I'm ok with that. He's a good man, he's lived a wonder filled life...if it is time for it to end, I am strong enough with love for him to let him go.
It's that other fifteen percent of the time that kills me. Those moments when he knows how hard it is for all of us. When he understands the decisions that we may have to make. He has lost the use of his legs, and has very little use of his upper body. My Moma cannot take care of him by herself. It's physically impossible. My Sister and her husband have been staying every night, and then getting up to go to work again every morning. They too are exhausted and it is becoming more and more impossible for them to maintain. My brothers, while very good at talking the talk have shown very little action. I am here...three hours away. I have never felt so helpless in my life.
What to do? What to do? The constant refrain running through my head. We've been told by his Doctor today that he will attempt to place him in a "rehab" center for a maximum of 2 weeks and attempt to get the strength back in his legs...but if that doesn't work, he will have him placed in a nursing home. He agrees that my Dad gets much better care at home, but he also knows that the ability to give that care is limited. While we've always been a family over abundantly rich in love, we are not a family rich in money. Insurance & Medicare will not provide 24 hr nursing, and no matter how much we all might wish it so, we are not in a position to pay for that care.
AND I AM PISSED. I'm so fucking pissed. Irrational? Yes. I know that. And yes, I know that nobody ever said that life is fair, and that there are so many other families going through this same thing...but...this is my Daddy and I can't bear the thought that this sweet wonderful man may be forced to live out the rest of his days in an institutional setting. I'm pissed at myself because I cannot "fix" it. I am so sick to my heart that I am here and not there. I cannot bear the thought of looking my daddy in the eyes and telling him that we cannot take care of him. He has NEVER failed me...and at this, his most needed moment...I am failing him.
original artwork: kellymore.net
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It Has Begun...
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Posted:Dec 6, 2006 8:02 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2006 5:00 am
8638 Views
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"Hey Lady, I don't know who you are, but thank you for sleeping with me."
And with those words we knew our interlude in second guessing the doctors was over. We could no longer fool ourselves into believing that the Alzheimer's was slowing down. Our time in Stage Three is over and we're sliding hell bent for leather into Stage Four. The Final Frontier.
In the spirit of maintaining a sense of humor over things we have no control over, as we all agreed we'd do at the beginning of this strange journey, my Moma did a quick double take and with a hitch in her voice replied, "It was good for me too."
I can't comprehend the stab of pain in her heart, or the strength in her resolve she must have experienced. Fifty-four years of a lifetime of love, laughter, tears and joy brought down to this one tiny moment. And though we will all walk this path together, the rest of us will will never hurt the way she will hurt. She doesn't deserve that...but then neither does he, or the hundreds of others who are going through the exact same thing.
Original Artwork by: georgia denby
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8
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Think It's Possible?
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Posted:Dec 3, 2006 12:37 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2006 5:09 am
9464 Views
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"The great secret...is not having bad manners or good manners...but have the same manner for all human souls: in short, behaving as if you were in Heaven, where there are no third-class citizens and one soul is as good as another." -George Bernard Shaw
I live for the day when we put aside our differences; cultural, racial, sexual, idealogical, theological and just see each other for the innate souls that we are. Idealistic at best, I know...but one can dream.
Not a sermon, I'm as guilty as anyone else...just sometimes I get in a melancholy mood and hope for better things.
How about you? What do you hope for?
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Stand Up and Be Counted...
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Posted:Nov 20, 2006 11:26 pm
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2006 11:57 am
8348 Views
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We interrupt this vacation to bring you a very important public service announcement...At a time when it feels like so many people get to make decisions that could directly alter events that touch my life, your life and/or any woman in your life - finally someone has come forward with a way for all of us to FIGHT BACK. I urge you, in the strongest possible way, to visit this blog, [post 597250], get the needed information and ACT ON IT. We can, if we unite, make a difference.
Make me proud peoples....
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5
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Believing...
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Posted:Nov 11, 2006 11:20 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2006 10:34 pm
8191 Views
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She flies high
on the hope of love
promises she's heard before
still...
she believes
refusing to lose hope
a promise she made to herself
hold on
hold out
don't give up...
he's out there
waiting
hoping
believing.
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3
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Really...Random Thoughs...
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Posted:Nov 2, 2006 8:37 pm
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2006 11:42 am
9687 Views
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1. Didn't realize it had been this long...shame on me. I've been in major veg mode. Sometimes it good to do that. Just back off and veg for a bit. Figure out...or at least attempt to figure out where you're at. Yep, it's been that kinda time. And frankly, I'm not much further than I was when I started. Go figure.
2. I went home for a weekend with Daddy & Moma. It was a good weekend, one of the better he's had in a while. Which is kinda strange, because while I was driving down to Carolina to see them, they were driving to his VA appt and were in a accident. A lady ran a red light, and boom, my 71 yr old mother is involved in her first ever car accident. Thankfully, they were not hurt beyond a lot of bruises and one cracked rib. My mother is beyond heartbroken though...she's convinced that she'll now have something on her "permanent" record. Tried to explain to her that the other lady got the ticket and was responsible for the accident...but, she's just not buying it. **sigh**
3. And oh yea...here's the funny. I drive back home and attempt to call my parents to let them know I've made it home safely, (which, you know...has been a rule since I got my license all those years ago), only to get a busy signal for 3 hours. After contacting my sister and having her go over to check on them, it was discovered that Daddy forgot to put the phone back on the cradle. Again. Just one of the little things that you have to laugh about when dealing with Alzheimer's.
4. Irony. It's a strange bastard. Spent way to many years married to someone who used sex as a way to punish me, (as in, I didn't get any at all if I even slightly pissed him off, disagreed with him, didn't clean correctly...etc ad nauseous...you get the pic right?) I'm finally at a place in my life where I can fully enjoy my choices. I can fully enjoy my freedom to choose if, when and how I share myself. I can finally enjoy my sensual nature and my inherent sexuality...only now I can't...cause I'm broke. Not a subject we're gonna go into now, but believe me, I a little pissed about this turn of events.
5. I'm going to California. My babygurl is graduating from DLI with a major in Arabic. Might I be the proud Moma for a minute and tell you she's graduating #3 in her class?? Smart and beautiful, inside and out - don't know how I got lucky enough to have her. We're spending a week together, she's legal now...so ummm...if you live in the Monterey area could I have your phone number just in case we need bail?
6. I got a new Tattoo this past saturday. Even managed to talk my sweet lil' sis 1ClassicBitch into getting one too. For those who don't know she's one of my "Sister's of the Moon"...so it was only appropriate that we cement that bond in Ink. It's very pretty if I must say so myself. Think I'll put it up as a new pic here... Of course the decision to do this was marinated in countless shots of Stoli's and Jaiggermesiter.
7. Maggie & Ava are doing well. Though I am having a slight problem with Maggie thinking she's a "garbage" doggie. Green Apple apparently doesn't faze her...she just dives right through to reach her "treasures". I'm wondering if a few spays of Havana Sauce would work? Any suggestions?
Several other thoughts I could share, but that's probably all you can take in for one night. Yes? And I have MASSIVE amounts of blog post to read from my "watched" list so I should probably just shut the fuck up and leave you to your "devices". Thanks for stopping by...I've missed ya'll.
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