you da man test?!?!( whats your ranking?)
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Posted:Sep 26, 2008 10:24 pm
Last Updated:Dec 11, 2008 8:34 pm
2297 Views
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One for you boys!! Check to see if you're a man...
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Match Of The Day.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out
about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You
tell her that it is:
A. No concern to you
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A Moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetiser is to entree
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. 'I hope we can still be friends'
B. 'I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.'
C. 'Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU.'
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of Intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
EVALUATING RESULTS:
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man!!
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, 'YOU DA MAN!'
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ok i have jokes to share! LMAO
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Posted:Sep 26, 2008 10:10 pm
Last Updated:Dec 11, 2008 8:36 pm
2400 Views
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What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a ?
A. A sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps
with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a 's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. Jewish dilemma:
A. Free PORK.
Q. What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther
King Day?
A. On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest ?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who
has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour-lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
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QUOTES TO LIVE BY!!
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Posted:Sep 26, 2008 9:39 pm
Last Updated:Dec 11, 2008 8:35 pm
2105 Views
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Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul.
Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love
.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~
When a guy goes to a , he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave. ~
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. ~
The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and beget.
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. ~
Sex relieves tension - love causes it.
If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time.
Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy
Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't! ~
I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. ~
For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having ; life is the other way around.
Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure. ~
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. ~
An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.
I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite.
Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover.~
Sudden acquaintance brings repentance.
Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics. ~Author Unknown
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