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Posted:Apr 24, 2006 8:57 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 5:50 am
4733 Views
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I hate to give away my secrets, but then I heard this somewhere so I guess it’s not really my secret. We were at a party this past weekend and when everyone got into it I just sat on the couch and watched. I love to watch the human dynamics of great events, such as a good ol American Orgy, come together…. Yea what the hell, pun intended!
Someone saw me, walked over and asked if there was a problem. I responded, “NO, I’ll be going at it long after these guys can’t, so let them have their fun.” Besides my wife was having a good time with a few guys that could deliver on the goods, which these days is increasingly rare, and I was immensely enjoying the show.
The lady said, “OK as long as there are no problems, and I expect a ride before the end of the night, cowboy!” And yes I delivered on her request.
Now I’m not bragging, because there are guys that far outlast me, but there also is an investment that needs to be made to be one of the last ones in the saddle at nights end.
If you are looking for some magical elixir, take the blue pill, or best you continue your search, because I can give you some tips, but it takes the entire package for it to work.
First things first, you are good at what you do for a living right? Did you get that way over night? Nope it took an investment in time, some screw-ups, some education and many hours of experience. Odds are you last longer now, than you did with your first girl friend…. I’m assuming it was a girlfriend.
Part of the reason you last longer now, is because you have been there done that. And that’s important. You know what it feels like, and you know you ultimately WILL get off.
To roughly quote Jeff Foxworthy, “Men are like dragsters, full power for about 30 seconds, women are more like a diesel engine. It takes a while for them to get warmed up, but after they are, they run a LONG, LONG Time!”
So relax, don’t go to full power right away, take it slow, hell pause once in a while, it will slow the entire process down, which is fine with her.
Second, what are you thinking about? Are you just thinking about getting off… well shazam! Guess what that you will do.. and far too soon.
I caught hell at Swingstock last year; excuse me Marie… because I was yelling at people walking on the road outside. You see we were going at it and I was yelling out the window for people to be quiet, couldn’t they tell people were fuck’n in here! I got slapped for not concentrating; fact of the matter was I WAS concentrating, except I was NOT concentrating on getting off. I NEVER MISSED A STROKE, Marie can testify to that, and yet I lasted much longer then if my mind was totally on her. Who wins in that scenario? I’d argue everyone!
There is an old trick that if you are about to cum, you should think of something not so sexy, a recommendation would be your mother-in-law nude, check that, that may deflate the issue. But something between Heather Locklear and your mother-in-law to keep things going, yet not going off. Hell think of next years taxes or rebuilding an engine.
Another thing, what happened about eating and drinking with sex in mind? Have you ever heard of whiskey dick? It’s a dick you can’t have much fun with. I’ll give you three guesses how you get it… I’ll wait and have me a beer. Bingo! If you need alcohol to get encouragement to get laid, or pot by that matter you are asking for failure. Figure out what you can handle, one or two drinks and don’t exceed that.
And do a search on BMI: Body Mass Index, if you are overweight, loose some weight, you'll feel better, live longer and have better sex,
Endurance: If you aren’t working out for at least ten minutes a day, then you are fucking up. You should at least find ten minutes each day to ride bike. My typical workout is 45 minutes a day. My workouts are designed to work two areas. My waist, which WILL have a six-pack by this summer, and my endurance. For endurance I simply ride bike. Don’t run, you’ll fuck up your knees! I ride both indoor and outdoor. Each has its advantages, but you should do at least one.
Weight: At Indy if they can strip a pound from a car to get it to run longer on the same fuel, they will spend days doing so. The more body you need to move, the more energy you will spend, and the quicker you will cum.
Condoms: Yep, they help. The less sensitive you are the longer it will take to get you off. So find a nice thick condom and you typically will last longer. AFTER you are deemed the last man in the saddle, THEN you can slip it off or get a thin one. Hey it works. And yes you will still get off… but next time they will line up for you.
Well that’s just a few tips, I hope it helps. If it does, invite us to your next party and we will compare notes and see WHO is that last one in the saddle.
Have a Day!
No Shoes, No Shirts, No Problems!
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Is that YOU in that picture?
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Posted:Apr 11, 2006 2:41 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2006 7:08 pm
4227 Views
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Now I’m not saying I’m naturally skeptical, though as a professional writer it is an occupational hazard. But I don’t believe some of what I see.
I have been doing taxes the past week so I have not been in the real world for a while. But have women all of a sudden started to wear mullets?
I was perving pictures the other day and saw long flowing red hair in one photo. And you know what they say about redheads… either they are drop dead gorgeous, or they may have been touched with the ugly stick… few are in between. So when I saw the picture I was taken back and was intrigued.
So I perved the profile further. Upon further examination I saw a face shot of the same female with short, almost dikey, gray hair up front. Now is this your quintesential female mullet… Business up front, party out back. Or is someone playing around with photos… I’m not here to judge, I get in ENOUGH TROUBLE writing.
When I inquired about the situation I was told that photo was a few years old. Now exactly how many years does it take to go from auburn red hair you wanna play in to steel gray?
The point of the matter is simply this, if you want to get together with a couple, make your pictures honest. What do you think you are going to meet in some dark bar and never see what each other look like? I stick things in the wrong place when I do that… and THAT gets me in even MORE trouble.
So here’s the deal, a picture can last, what two years? After that they get stale anyways and OMG with digital cameras these days we are talking 2-3 cents worth of power. Get your pictures current… hell if you are relatively decent looking… and your female, I’LL take them for you… I am a professional you know, I have shot about a dozen cover shots… no perv shots yet though.
One last thing as long as I am on a roll. We like women. They are 50 times better looking then us guys. OK I do have a nice ass… I work on it daily, it BETTER be. But do us all a favor and put a picture of the guy…. INCLUDING HIS GUT on your profile. We don’t need to see his dick, cause those have been known to change shape.
Many of you women have commented that you don’t do short fat guys. Show that you aren’t one on your profile. Or if you are one, don’t show it, but buy PLENTY of very good wine and maybe they won’t notice.
The point of the matter is, be honest with people. If they aren’t your cup of tea from the photo, so be it. There are only 16 million other pervs on Affairlook. If you lie about your photos, you deserve the rudeness some have given on a wasted evening when people lied through the lenses of a camera.
Taking perv pictures are fun, make it a monthly thing, or do it with a friend. You may end up getting laid.
Toodles,
No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems
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The Swingstock Gazette, Thursday July 15, 2004
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Posted:Apr 11, 2006 9:13 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 5:50 am
4208 Views
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Just thought you might enjoy a newsletter I published at Swingstock a few years ago before the newsletter was banned. I have removed any references to locations, you can guess where it is.
The Swingstock Gazette
Thursday July 15, 2004, somewhere in the northwoods, in bare country!
Published by Dennis & Ellen, cause we have too much time on our hands.
We are not affiliated with Swingstock other than paying to get in just like you.
Howdy from Dennis & Ellen
Ellen and I have been coming to Swingstock since we think 1998. For those that were here last year, we are at the campsite called: “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems!” which probably best describes the Swingstock philosophy. Last year we fed about 200 people corn on the cob and weiners on Wednesday and Thursday nights. This year we will have burgers, fries and desert on Wednesday night. Thursday night we will be serving corn on the cob again and, skin on and skin off wieners (cause some women can’t make up their minds what they like). Friday night we hope to again serve corn on the cob.
We are located near the restrooms in the RV area campsite 24. Oh, in case you didn’t hear, we do vote for best camp site, and this newsletter and the food is a simple bribe to cast your vote for campsite: “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems!” Stop bye and say hi!
This newsletter like the publication we own in our real life is and will be politically incorrect. If we offend you, it was on purpose! If you have problems with that, please use this and the upcoming issues to start your next fire!
On the subject of fires
Ellen and I take great pride in finding things that are hard to find.. (OK some hard things are GOOD to find)... but that is a whole nuther issue. Leon and Mary pulled in about noon the other day from Indiana and did not have a fire ring, since the fire rings were not yet delivered.
It was so sad, so we went out to look for a fire ring for them. We stopped at the auto savage place half way to town. We saw a great truck rim that would do the job just fine. But the junk yard dude felt it was a better weed pot than a fire ring, so he wouldn’t sell it to us. He suggested we drive into xxxxxxxx four miles away and buy one there. We did as he suggested and drove past the feed mill in xxxxxx to x-x-x-x-x-x-x Supply. They had a ton of fire ring/truck rims. The guy was asking only $10 a piece, so we bought one. If you need a fire ring, they are the number one fire ring retailer in all of x-x-x-x-x County, and endorsed by the Swingstock Gazette.
Looking for a great wiener?
Dennis & Ellen will be serving free skin on and skin-off wieners and corn at 5 today at campsite 24 “No shoes, No Shirt, No Service!” And we ask for your vote for best campsite, stop on by!
Where do I get that?
We have been coming to Swingstock for the past six years. To keep from going nuts we have a list. Actually that list has evolved into an excel spreadsheet. Call us anal but, our forgot list is usually down to two or three items.
Sam Drucker is in at X_X_X_X_X
If you don’t remember Petticoat Junction and Sam Druckers store, your too fricken young to be here. Well either way Sams store can be found about a mile away in X-X-X-X. Leon & Mary forgot their coffee pot. The lady at the X-X-X-X store, went in the back room and came out with a pot, which she cleaned, that they could USE for FREE while they were at Swingstock. That is the kind of service you will find at the X-X-X-X store.
The store and restaurant is open til 7 PM. Ellen and I have the prices and menu at our campsite 24. A burger basket costs $5.50. The store is stocked with nearly anything you might need. It’s fun to just look around it. It’s the cheapest place to get ice we paid $1.50 for a five pound bag.
If the X-X-X-X-X store does not have what you need. You need to go to town. Which in this area is X-X-X-X-X about 20 miles away. The town is fairly well stocked. The town of X-X-X-X-X-X has one grocery store, two hardware stores, a lumber yard, an auto parts store, a X-X-X-X-X-X, one bank and two liquor stores north of downtown on XX.
Swingstock Gazette position of the day
Sorry photos don't work here. It's a lady standing with just her fingernails touching, guy standing and taking her from behind.
Looking for suggestions for tomorrow position... we will need to test the viability.
Booze delivered to your doorstep, can you ask for any better?
On Wednesday we went to X-X-X to see the sights. We were looking for stuff we didn’t know we needed. I bought a pair of handcuffs from X-X-X-X... for some odd reason the clerk looked at me funny when I asked for a whip.
Then we when to X-X_X_X Liquor store about four blocks to the right as you get to main street. When I told the clerk I was looking for a small (3 liter) box of wine, cause five liters don’t fit in our fridge. The answer I got was: “Five Liters is all we stock.” Which was fine, so Leon and I decided to go to the OTHER liquor store in town.
About a stones throw south from X-X-X-X Liquor store is X-X-X-X-X Liquor Store. Within a minute after I got in the store, I knew the guy understood the opportunity that was in front of him. He said, gentlemen welcome to our community is there anything I can do for you?
I said: “well I’d like a 3 liter box of wine I don’t care about the price, I don’t have room for the five liter.” The guy said: “I’ll order it tonight, it will be here tomorrow. Oh and by the way tell the rest of the Swingstock crew if they show their wristband we offer 5% off. Also if the order is large enough, WE WILL DELIVER to Swingstock.” Now THIS guy understands Swingstock and the money involved. So take your money to X-X-X-X Liquor you’ll be glad you did.
I’m bored, what is there to do?
If your up here and getting laid and BSing with great people is not enough for you, you may have issues. There are a few things you can do.
I do the majority of my grouse hunting within five miles of here. You can see deer in the area, there was even a bear spotted on Swingstock grounds. If your worried about bears, they are only a problem if they are startled. So some people suggest that you wear bells so they can hear you coming.
There’s two types of bears in the area: black and grizzly bear. The best way to tell the difference is look at their dropping piles if you can find them. Pick through them you’ll find bells in the Grizzly piles.
Is it worth the Gamble?
So if nature and getting laid is not enough to keep you busy, you can donate to the local Indian Tribe. Just --- miles ---- in XXXX is XXXX Casino one of the largest casinos in the xxxx. xxxx Casino has slots and black jack. They also have three restaurants. Sorry they all require that you be fully clothed. They have an all-you-can- eat buffet that ain’t half bad.
If you can think of a better place to be this weekend... don’t let the gate hit you in the ass as you are leaving!
Show your tits!
Is this your first year at Swingstock? Are you afraid to bare it all? This is a clothing OPTIONAL event. For the first time in your life it’s YOUR option, NOT societies if and how many clothes you are wearing. If you want to stay fully dressed, NO ONE should say anything to you. If someone does, I have as very profound response... tell them to: “Go fuck yourself, it’s MY body and I will do with it as I want!”
If you do decide to bare it all, you may be taking a life changing leap. You will be announcing to the world that you refuse to abide by stupid laws by some uptight people with serious issues. Skin to WIN!
So what are the rules?
Since we stay up late and burn the midnight fire I have had a few questions from the newbies at Swingstock. Once I was asked: if it’s all right to watch people have sex. I responded, it's OK to watch, but raising score cards was a bit over the top.
Or my wife and I want to get together with another couple what do we do? Best answer is husband or wife, ask the other husband or wife, if they wanna swap. That’s what people are here for, and don’t take offense if the answer is no. You have about 350 other couples to ask. Some couples only swap as couples. Some couples never swap but like to watch and be watched by other couples.
Easiest rule to remember is No! means No!
How about threesomes?
If you ask guys what their number on fantasy is, you will probably hear a 3some with two women. That happens a bunch at Swingstock. What also happens is two guys having a 3some with two women at the same time.. its called swinging...
What about same sex sex?
Is it OK for us to have same sex sex? Hey if everyone is in agreement do what you desire.
This weekend you are in the Puritan Free Zone. Just be SAFE!
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Sex and the single guy
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Posted:Apr 10, 2006 7:19 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 5:50 am
4043 Views
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We don’t do single guys, as is the case with most couples. We don’t for a number of reasons. A few of the reasons follow and suggestions for what a single guy can do.
Sex only: A good number of single guys we have been introduced to want one thing: sex. They want to get off and move on down the road. There are some people that want exactly that. They will usually state that in their profile. So don’t waste your or our time for asking for it, if we do not state that. Look around we regularly hear of fuck parties where the guys line up just to get their rocks off. (Don’t e-mail us, we don’t forward such parties.)
Let’s do it cheap!: A good number of guys that have contacted us are too cheap to spend a few bucks to read profiles. Sure! We want to fool around with the cheapest skags out there. Why would we ever want to be with classier people? Spend a dime, you get better company.
Can we see your massive tool? NOT! We have seen cocks before. They mostly look the same. We don’t need a picture. Especially since “Some cocks are smaller then they appear.” And some don’t work when requested. Less is more. The best selling magazine in the world is the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue and we see no genitals… take a look and do something tasteful.
How old are you again? Believe it or not people can tell that you are 50 not the 35 you stated in the profile. And guess what if you lied about that, what else have you lied about. Most people won’t argue about 5 years, get beyond that and you start off as a liar and you won’t go far.
Are you married? If you are married say so. Your odds in the lifestyle improve 1000% if you are married. I checked the rules if you are married; you or your spouse are not obligated to have sex. If your wife, or hubby is not into the lifestyle, then TELL the other couple that and just go out for drinks. After a few drinks and a laugh or two you would be amazed of what might happen if there is no pressure. And it’s not unheard of for 3 out of four having fun.
Condoms? Sure. Tell the couple you ONLY play with condoms and do that. MOST guys do not want condoms; only playing with puts you miles ahead. And YES they make flavored condoms for oral sex. Condoms make the entire act MUCH safer. If condoms are too big or small, then shop around and find a size that is right. Go to the drug store and ask the old lady at the checkout stand, I love to watch them blush.
Take us out to dinner! Ever think about inviting a couple or single out to dinner only at a public venue. Even offer to pick up the bill and don’t expect sex. It would but you way, way ahead of the 99% of guys that just wanna jump someone’s bones anytime anywhere.
Have Manners: You would not believe the horror stories out there. Like a F giving a guy a BJ and then the guy asking her to wash up before kissing him. Manners mean SO much in the lifestyle.
Get in shape: Nothing is worse then a guy with a big ol gut covering his stuff. Take six months, watch what you eat and get in shape. You will get laid ten times more often. And you know what, it’s healthier for you and you’ll be better in bed. Go to http://Affairlook.com it’s a Body Mass index calculator. If you are not within a few pounds of your normal weight, you need to lose some weight. And if you are over 200 lbs and less then 7 ft tall you are probably over weight, period.
I gotta talk to?: Listen to evening news a few nights a week and read a few books. Hell you can get them on tape, CD or podcasts these days, listen to them on the way to work… while you're flipping people off. Interesting guys get laid four times more often then bubbas.
Learn to cook: Invite a couple over for steaks and wine. Yea it will cost you $20 but you’ll spend more then THAT on a single lap dance. Don’t know your wines? Talk to the wine dude at the liquor store. Hate wine? I’ll give you a hint get a good ($7) German white wine, it’s fruity and not too bitter.
Bring her a rose: Hey costs you $2 and it can’t hurt.
Try listening a little bit: What they are saying may be boring as hell. But sit there and look interested and ask a few meaningful questions. They do the same for you! They will consider you sensitive and sensitive guys get laid more. You can scream after you get out of there,
This is a short list but do it and your odds will get much better!
Good luck getting laid…. Have a day!
No Shoes No Shirt, No Problems
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Answer Your E-mail
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Posted:Apr 9, 2006 6:34 am
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2006 7:31 am
4128 Views
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Half of the issues in the lifestyle deals with manners. People take the time to e-mail you, the very least you can do is e-mail them back. Hell one of the canned replies takes all of what 3 seconds. And if you don’t have time for that, you probably aren’t going to be able to take the needed time to play either.
If you decided the lifestyle is not for you it would take all of about 30 seconds to set-up the autoreply so people will know that.
Not everyone meets everyone else’s idea of a perfect match. But does that mean you leave the e-mailer hanging? No! Give them a simple not interested answer. How many times have communications cause problems in your relationship, not answering e-mail is a major communication block.
The only exception to this rule is if you state: No Single Males, and yet they e-mail you anyway. Stating that up front means you don’t need to answer that, yet good manners would answer it any way. We answer ALL e-mail… though it may be ever so brief.
Just try to be nice to everyone because you never know if they have great friends. And answer your e-mail.
I’ll get back to you!
No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems
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Not Barbie & Ken, But we are OK!
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Posted:Apr 7, 2006 8:34 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 5:50 am
4037 Views
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We are not Barbie and Ken, and the people who we know that are; we really don’t wanna be around much. She is always showing off her latest implants and he can’t walk past a mirror without checking himself out.
That being said, we keep ourselves in shape both physically and mentally. We try to work out each day and watch the evening news. We expect the same of people we get together with. Yea we may go a day, two maybe a week with skipping either or both. But if you can’t discuss what’s happening in the world, or you think the airplanes built in the 60s magically have shrunk their seats in the past few years, best you take another look at yourself.
There is a body Mass Index calculator at
http://Affairlook.com
enter your height and weight and let an impartial jury decide. If you qualify as obese, odds are we aren’t going to have fun. But boy a LOTTA people e-mail us thinking they are a good fit. Like I said we aren’t Barbie or Ken, but at least take enough pride in yourself and your body that you take the time to not be obese.
And if one of you is in shape but the other is not… work together to eat healthier and exercise together so you both look reasonably normal. Sex is MUCH better when you do. But then what the hell do I know!
Have a day and pass the gravy!
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The Games People Play
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Posted:Apr 7, 2006 6:21 am
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2006 8:18 am
4098 Views
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We love the lifestyle. It keeps life exciting and we always meet interesting people. Our best finds are people that can commit to something and pull the trigger. We are so tired of people that can’t decide if want to or not; either way is fine with us, just make a decision.
One of the things that drives us nuts is the games people play. We have up current pictures. Don’t ask us for anymore. If you want to collect pictures go to the newsgroups, there is more free porn there then you can ever download. And as far as face shots, we are as good looking as the next couple, if you really need face shots meet us.
Soft Swing: So you wanna watch us have sex and what keep score? Rent a video, we don’t understand soft swing. Either you want to swing or you don’t either way is fine with us, but don’t ask to watch us… that would put you under the classification of pervs.
Condoms: If you want to live to be old enough to have your bones crack during sex, best you use condoms. There are all kinds of things that can be transmitted during sex. IF you have a problem with condoms say so up front. Don’t think that we will make an exception for you.
Single Males: We don’t do them, her decision. Don’t lie to us, meet us at a bar as a couple and say your female could not make it. Single males have a real issue in the lifestyle because of manners, most single males do not have them.
Bi-males: We don’t do them, both of our decision. We don’t really want to catch Aids and yes there is more aids in the bi/gay community then anywheres else. It’s a safety thing.
Have a day!
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How to get to sex, or getting past hello!
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Posted:Apr 3, 2006 1:38 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 5:50 am
3998 Views
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So you wanna have sex? It's easy to write or say, but how do you get it into a conversation.?
We have been in the lifestyle for several years. We have never had problems making small talk. But how do you advance from small talk to hot steamy sex?
You need a segway, or what ever the hell you call it. Something to get your clothes off and get cuddly. We have thought about gettting a hot tub, but did not know if we would use it or if it would be a worthwhile investment... let me tell you!
Recently surfing E-bay we found a portable hot tub for a few hundred dollars. We decided to buy it and add it to our arnsenal of fun things we really don't need. Boy were we wrong.
Now instead of worrying about offending someone by asking about sex, we simply say: "So you wanna get into the hot tub?" Nobody gets in a hot tub with clothes on... if they do, you're not getting laid tonight! If they start shedding clothes and and gettting in, you are going to have fun.
So don't worry about asking if you wanna have sex, let technology do it for you, you're on Affairlook aren't you... and THAT works, so why not go all the way?
Happy hot tubbing and good luck with great sex. And USE those flavored condoms!
D&E
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Who's screwed up... Or what's in a word?
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Posted:Mar 28, 2006 11:08 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2006 11:13 am
3956 Views
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Ever had a nice long chat with someone who seems normal. Someone who has mentioned their last signif other dropped them with no reason. Then after one short kidding statement have them go ballistic.... No? Well I have! Makes you spin in you're chair and go hmmm!
Seems like everyone needs to mellow a bit these days. It's called a joke, it's called a laugh, it's politically incorrect, it used to be called naughty but it was ways people moved from acquaintences to friends.
These days chatting or even talking with anyone is like walking a mine field... wait once... Hey can I get off at the next stop? Cause it ain't getting better... pass me a beer and the other perv flick we are hunkering down for a long one.
Tooodles....
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To link to this blog (noshoe) use [blog noshoe] in your messages.
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