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Nothing official here, only my rambling thoughts posted in a digitally unflattering blandness without rhyme or structure. Artwork in captivity. Fuck the system.
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nothing sweeter
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Posted:Mar 5, 2020 5:59 am
Last Updated:May 14, 2024 3:23 am
1712 Views
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That night of my following post my friend and his wife made a point to chill with me in my room. just me and them. i felt so good; relieved. he always seems to comfort me in the right moments, and it was probably her suggestion. i really shouldn't have been so melodramatic and reactionary, but that's just me. my emotions go all over sometimes.
day before yesterday me and my mom went to the chimney tops to hike. we went about 4/10's of the way to the top and then came back. i planned to go today, but i'd rather sit around and fuck myself instead.
the arguments between the spouses was pretty bad yesterday. they didn't make any substantial ground. i don't think she'll stop either. i'm pretty torn between what i selfishly wish would happen and what i compassionately hope will happen, but i haven't directly intervened in any substantial way.
i've decided that this site is probably too much for what i had in mind in a partner. seems all there is, is swingers. one night hosts. why can't i have it all?
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How you would deny me what you no longer desire
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Posted:Mar 2, 2020 5:23 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2020 5:49 am
1916 Views
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I've tried believing it's okay. There's words; One moment buried by ominous thousands. "Don't worry", they tell me. That I shouldn't feel slighted in the most stressful time of your recent past, yet there is no longer excitement in your eyes when you see me. There is no surprise visit to my room, when you finally emerge. And when the evening hits you emerge to bathe in the rejuvenating presence of your youthful company. 1.2.3.4, knocking over my self importance. Swooning to you when I have you to myself.. No. I am forsaken. Why do we honor each other so, value each others bond.. the truthfulness? What friend have I that I haven't spent more than a few true moments with you in the past two months since I've been home, engaged in common, cooperative togetherness? Friend? I'm sitting in here, alone, writing about you while you enjoy those whose company slighted you when you were in your worst.. yet, it was me that pulled you out of it to one degree or another. It was me that violated the trust of others so that you would know how you were wronged. It was me who gave so freely with my earnings to help you when you truly needed it, without having to be asked. Yet, loathing! I have been spurned, yet loved. I cannot validate this torment. I am so hurt and jealous. A weight that has no tangible valence; Ethereal.
There is only malice in my heart against those who would be afforded what is mine, but to have such closure for your offense would cost me all. Is the hour so late that I would entertain eternity? I'm right here.. She doesn't want you either. Tired as tired has robbed you from me. There is no one whose own is in possession of itself. Who are we all, but a commodity where there are no lights to see. One day I'll be strong, and the invisible plan will no longer include you. One day, I won't be amorphic, complacent or patient.
◄•••☼•••►
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wild night and a movie
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Posted:Mar 1, 2020 6:04 pm
Last Updated:May 14, 2024 3:23 am
1836 Views
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So, I had a mind altering experience last night, but in a good way. I was out of my gourd and just looked at things. The longer I looked at all the details I usually slight, I realized I'd been living under layers of interpreted short hand for the past.. really long time.
So, after about an hour of sitting on the front porch I had really bonded with my surroundings, and having let down all of my defensive barriers I realized that life had made me into an ocd paranoid mess of anxiety and trust issues. It was nice to realize I could finally calm down and truly be at home somewhere in this world, instead of artificially cataloguing everything I see. It was an unexpected epiphany. Pretty sure that was my coming of age right of passage or something. I think they used to call them dream journeys or something, where they'd get smoked and go off into the wilderness alone to find theirselves.
I think everyone needs something to blow thier neural connections all to hell so that there's an opportunity to readjust one's own perceptive reactionary state. Homeostasis isn't only just to do with the body, but how the body acclimates to one's surroundings. That is part of our health, and mine had somewhere along the way been so burdened by filters and complexes that I wasn't really living. I was a zombie the past 5 or so years. It was so nice to look in everyones eyes and just be okay.
The next morning (13:00), I woke up and arranged a movie at the theatre with my Mom. We seen the new Harley Quinn movie. It was a good time.
~•♥•~
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