Hammock - Dissonance
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Posted:Jun 16, 2016 7:07 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 7:57 pm
4760 Views
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Been awhile....
I'm no fan of humanity, been that way for some time, and the more I look into the "lives" of others the more I'm seeing a species that long ago hit its peak.
I've been cruising through instagram these previous weeks; mostly food, fashion, and forgettable memories. That's not a generalization of instagram's entirety, just observation of the profiles I've seen; like everything else there are good and bad sides to it.
The thing that really left a bitter taste in my mouth was when I came across a profile for a celebrity doctor who posted a video of herself and her outfit; no words, no description just a top down view.
I'm not angry, nor can I find any solid evidence to support negativity, I'm disappointed. The "look at me" mentality is just as poisonous as the profit motive; narcissism and greed make the best 21st century couple.
I'm probably getting jaded from the sexy banality. One good thing that came from that though is that I'm not afraid to talk to women. Attractive women are a dime a dozen, it seems, with iPhones and duck face to match. You can wear all the tight dresses you want, dj all you want, post endless photos of nature, history & food, and you'll still be as bland as the next girl. Shouldn't you broadcast the complexity b/w your ears, or is that just another product placement? Grey Matter Whitening Strips: Classy Cranium.
People with this type of influence should be for the betterment of humanity, not its exclusion. But our destruction is in our creation, so who am I to argue against our base programming?
It angers me that I am powerless to do anything about these time vampires. It angers me that red meat seems to be the meal of choice for the internet. It angers me that the people who are the evolving track get sidelined for bimbos and bozos and so much hatred. And it saddens me that it will continue until the next civilization comes along.
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Goyte - Eyes Wide Open
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Posted:Apr 19, 2015 5:18 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2015 11:37 pm
9461 Views
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Losing weight, losing sleep, no social life, and finding humor in the anger......this is my life.
I've tried my best to be honest on here and alt. No fabrications or alterations....just things as I see them. May not always be true or worth reading but even boring whiny bitches like myself have a voice. And I think it's best I silence myself for a bit to figure things out.
Here's what I need to resolve: I think I've been lying to myself for some time. And deep thought on committing to this lie shows a return to clawing at the walls and being sucked into another's world. Having to like what they like, being friends with their friends, and always being in the wrong with the guilty passing sentence.
But is it a lie?
From my perspective the past is gonna repeat itself. Guilt trips, shaming, demands, and lies and I will be powerless to change any of it. I will just sit and watch my existence become secondary to another's persona and image. Is that fair? Right now I see no good in sparing pain now for much greater torment down the road. But the right decision hasn't presented itself yet. And I don't have all the facts, nor will I ever get them for I only hear what they want me to hear and not the real truth. I could be wrong though, but that's how things seem to present themselves.
It's no doubt the next few moons will present struggles and challenges and an addictive need to find answers. The answers I have to find within. I have to know if this is worth my sanity or my future. And right now I only see more of what happened to happen again. Time will tell. I'll either have metal grafted to my skin or another wish to take a dirt nap. I'm afraid of losing what my heart desires but more afraid of thinking that they don't.
Edit: Echosmith - Tell Her You Love Her
"We face our fears head on." Ron Swanson
How much longer is this gonna continue. Opposing sides butting heads in search of the truth, and truth is a matter of facts. Facts contain no moral judgement; they merely state what is. Not what we think of them or how we feel; they just are (thank you, Daredevil). And being too close to issue can distort the distinction between fact and opinion causing one to be the other in our minds; I bear guilt in that. Looking to the past can cause distortion as well; stating our opinion as fact when we think it suits the situation. There's a phrase that epitomizes this and brought on a long bout of laughter: "You knew how I felt." For the readers of alt it's no secret that a great deal of time has been spent of trying to ascertain the facts behind how a person felt. And in that time no clear solution presented itself; only facts geared toward another party. Fear was the main driving force preventing full disclosure of the facts and opinions filled the void. What happened, happened and the true motive behind it may never be known; only our interpretation of facts can provide closure. But that phrase....is 100% pure Kentucky fried bullshit. The facts make it so.
The biggest question from all this: Why continue to look behind instead of forward? The answer lies in that phrase. Committing to something that means your future should not be built on bullshit; double if it involves saying "I do." Some people may not take that seriously. I do. And the more pieces of this puzzle I find the worse the picture becomes. But the past is in the past; nothing can change what happened. All we can do is learn from it and move forward. But these questions keep coming up and the pursuit of the facts is neverending. We just have to open up for the answers even if we don't like what they are.
Formtek - Dreams For Those Who Are Awake
When I moved from Nashville to New Orleans I made a detour to Huntsville. I drove to Space Camp, and was only to snap a picture of the front entrance before moving on. Eight times I went as a youth; had so many wings the lanyard wouldn't fit over my head. But on that trip of running away from a mother of four, it was nice to visit where I would find solace from a world I didn't belong.
Crazy about You - Your Voice Is The Echo of The Mountains
"So Grandma told me something interesting..."
It's amazing what truth tragedy can reveal. After watching Flowers of War my opinion of the Japanese changed a bit, and after some digging/stalking my perceptions of what it meant to be in a relationship changed drastically. But when I learned something monumental about my parents, my opinion of them didn't change one bit. When we truly feel a certain way about someone that doesn't change no matter what skeletons lay in their closet; unless they're a nazi or secretly collecting cookie cars filled with doll heads.
When my whole life turned upside down due to things beyond my knowledge or control, I kept asking "why?" but didn't take the time to examine the truth of the matter. Just kept trying to make sense of the insanity in the dark without a flashlight or sense of direction (terrible writing, I know). And leaving all that madness behind is providing a chance for clarity. In that clarity lies a decision to be made, but the right choice is shrouded in uncertainty; mainly due to not knowing my true feelings when the shit storm hit. Will the truth change my opinion or feelings? I don't know, but the time of fun is at an end. Time to pick the weaker poison and see if I pull through.
Is it strange to feel a connection from simple eye contact? Two people on opposite sides of a room coming together for an instant. No intention or expectation. I know it wasn't my imagination.
Owsey & Reostone - Broke My Promise & Stared to the Sea
I just finished the first season of Gilmore Girls ending on the leads being reunited with their prospective suitors and things looking up for the two love-stricken women. But this being show that ran for seven seasons it's no doubt that things will come crashing down only to rise up again with different romantic interests.
And as the day wore on I read some articles on LDR communication, which doesn't make sense because I'm not in a relationship at the moment; at least I don't think so even though my ex beckons me to return. But I keep thinking on what it means to be in a relationship either 30 or 3,000 miles apart. What's the defining characteristic that separates it from friendship? If this is a friendship it's weird, and if it's a relationship it's weird; either way it's weird, gray, and very one-sided. And the more I let the situation ruminate, the more it seems that drifting apart is inevitable. Everything happens for a reason.
Once the romance and connection have gone all you're left with is two people together solely out of having a shared past. Aren't relationships about looking to the future? I don't like where things are going, but I can't stop what's gonna happen. Oh well, that's life...
The Lumineers - Stubborn Love
I'd be lying if I didn't say I found the current status of things funny if not ironic; justified is a bit harsh but there is that thought of "this is what you wanted." And as much as I would want to stand on a mountain and laugh, that's an evil thing to consider. It's not gentlemanly to find joy in another's misfortune.
Anyway....I did some reading on the concept of true love and soul mates today, and the further I read and tried to relate to my situation the more my head spun. As far as I can gather, the notion of there being only one person for you is hogcock. There are many people you meet in your life that click and are reflections of yourself. What made my head spin is why I feel so strongly about this one person when reality and logic say to move on. And my mind keeps going back to that night when shit went south; when I felt abandoned. If everything I've read is true then all I've experienced in the last year and a half is just a phase and in time I'll grow out of it. And honestly it seems to be going that way; relationships should show caring and effort, not indifference and guilt. But there is a small part that feels the way I felt that night; that if I let this go I'll regret it for the rest of my days.
I can't stop what's meant to happen so it's beyond my control or ability to care, but I don't think I'm done fighting yet. But to constantly fight a one-sided battle is fool's errand. I don't know what to do, say, or how to react to this because it's nothing I've ever experienced before now. All I can do is keep being myself and find the humor in this craziness. Hopefully in time everything will fall into place.
Dead Battery - The Furry Stranger
I think I'm stirring up trouble again; poking a sleeping bear to see if it's sleeping. I've been reading on signs that show LDRs fading, and they apply to more than being worlds apart. They show the amount of effort people are willing to put in regarding how the view the relationship. And that's where I might be screwing up; I see it as a high priority when, in reality, it might be something trivial and passing. That was the case last year for me. I saw it as more important than it actually was and now being 3,000 miles away I still see it as a matter of importance. Granted that line of thinking has not brought forth the best decision making, and now that I'm not overthinking and emotionally compromised I'm at a loss on how to approach fading interest. I'm going to find a solution in this edit or even sleeping on it. The best way is to just sit, and wait and let things unfurl as they should. But if I am right in seeing the connections between my readings and what's happened....then there's nothing to be done and all this worrying is for naught. Such is life.
Kermukine - Sky Lanterns
Continuing on the edit above, I've been gathering notes for my upcoming to see my ex. Truth be told, I don't know what to expect but I fear that nothing will get accomplished. This isn't a priority for her; hasn't been for some time. The things that matter in your life show by how you talk about about and treat them, and by just observing I seemed to be a chore and wasn't worth her time; might be exaggerating but I was at the bottom of the list for some time. So here I am revving up to try and see if this has a future or not. Why did this have to be my first?
Amoeba - Ascend
There's a line a ways up this post about a moment of eye contact.That's all it was; no names, confusion, anxiety, or even exchange of bodily fluids. One moment where two people shared the same idea, and that sparked jealous insecurity from uncertain dishonesty. The truth can sometimes be harsh and ugly. But if we're not honest with ourselves, how can we be honest with others? If you respect someone you'll be honest with them consistently whether or not anyone wants to hear it.
Salt Of The Sound - Dwell Among Us
Another example of things coming back. Bought a book on codependency while back and turns out I was codependent last year; beat that to death. But I'm still angry; not for what happened but for not atoning. It's a problem I share with my father; not only to be right but have others prove I'm right. But back to the codependency shows why I had to move. My relationship became my identity and I lost that because somebody got "confused." My actions are my own, along with my insanity so that's my fault/problem; no surprise there. Only this is an obsession I can't fix or solve; time is what's needed.
Lowercase Noises - It Reminded Me of a Very Old Place
"Fuck you, I didn't lie."
Told ya, it's a problem I have; not only to be right but to prove that I'm right. And it really displeases me when someone doesn't respect you enough to be upfront about their feelings, even when they're not sure about them. Two characters I resonate well with in ASOIAF is Davos and Stannis, and in an episode of GOT they discuss hard truths; the kind that can remind us of our faulty perceptions. Every time I try to reveal a hard truth, it's met with a "fuck you." I've been told that a lot in the last few months. And I've had to face a few hard truths about myself as well. And the more text digging I do, the more I see an emotional affair loom its head. How can you be yourself around someone but not around the person you're dating? "Hard truths cut both ways."
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Panda Bear - Boys Latin
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Posted:Mar 13, 2015 7:45 pm
Last Updated:Mar 25, 2015 6:54 pm
8089 Views
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Ten years ago I made a decision that led to where I now sit, lonely and in my underwear.
And in my haze I reflect on my choices and adventures to remind myself that I'm not entirely non-existent in this busy world. And as I reflect I know that at present my future is being wasted on the past.
So fuck the past, I say. It's in the past. People's worth rise and fall like the tides and I find no shame being home on a Friday night. Growth is what's important; moving forward in your life, making sure you're not the same as you were a year ago. Last year I was a boyfriend, this year it depends on who you ask. But no moving back.
What happens, happens....
It's gonna be an interesting year.
Edit: Sigur Ros - Saeglopur
I've never really understood why people view my profiles and do nothing else. I get that to you I'm either not boring or hideous but aren't my thoughts enough? It just feels weird to have the worth of a cursory glance. No more hunting... it's time to go home.
Edit: Airiel - Rainflower
Sucks that "In Your Room" was taken from me; first dance "Say Anything" type song. Puts a test on the concept of true love. And while the current outlook is as it was before the beginning, the present has something the past never had: a past. A fragile heart placed in strong hands. She's out there. And we'll make each other stronger. But first, the whores (kith).
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Boyce Avenue - Leave Out All The Rest
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Posted:Feb 15, 2015 4:55 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 7:57 pm
8523 Views
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It is my plan that within a year I will finish what I failed twice at; I'm going to finish the story.
During my time in film school I created two characters to show what it was like inside my head. And as problems arose I put those in scripts, an anthology of my life. Now I plan to turn those into a feature length script. I tried twice but the characters didn't want to make a story, and now they have one.
Our lives work like a story: this leads to that and one element sets off a chain reaction to place us where we are today. Some wander aimlessly trying to find their place in the world, others have a set path. But what happens when the path ends? There was a book I read that said we have different paths during our lifetimes moving from one to the next. Our purpose changes as we age.
And I've reached the end of my current purpose.
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Nico & Vinz - Am I Wrong
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Posted:Dec 10, 2014 7:51 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 7:57 pm
9749 Views
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Something my ex-girlfriend posted a few weeks ago has been stirring in my mind recently; don't remember the exact wording and don't care enough to look it up. She made the comment that she's a stepping stone for people and she wonders why we never did stuff; this was after a Sevendust concert I attended.
Now this may have some merit; thanks to her I'm chain-vaping tits from Iron Man's cock. But in the context of the concert she is mistaken. I'd love to know how going from traveling internationally to being a hollow shell of sad and crazy is a stepping stone. When someone can't be themselves around you or makes you a worse version of yourself, you need to get the fuck away. Order a whiskey and bring on the hounds, it's hammer time.
Something I've had to learn the hard way recently is that you will never truly know what someone is thinking. Everyone experiences things differently and has unique connections to memories and emotions. Everyone is special and an individual just like everyone else. You get the picture, nothing new.
Cartman Brah
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Owsey, Jernalism & Resotone - I've Been Secretly Falling Apart
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Posted:Nov 21, 2014 5:24 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2014 8:57 pm
10457 Views
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The Big Bang Theory last night...........
It's hard to communicate how you feel during these times. My first relationship ended awhile ago, and the fighting still ensues. So much to say but can't find the words. Self deception and denial run rampant to hide from the hurtful truth. What's worse is saying those three words when your heart wanted to yell obscenities instead.
Why do we do this to ourselves? The drive to find that heart that beats with yours leads to much joy and sorrow. We open up to strangers to make connections only to return to our loneliness and longing.
Why is love needed?
Edit: (EP Mix) Owsey & Resotone - A Smile From The West
I miss who I was. Life was so much simpler from the outside. Detach yourself from the human condition and shit makes sense, but the second you get involved......it's off to the races to see who's crazier. Our insanity makes sense to us but we're not the center of the universe so we count for little in the cosmos; unless you think we're the universe's soul but for another time.
We're too disconnected now by connecting and liking and sharing and all that other social media nonsense. The emotion is felt by the reader based on assumptions. At least with proper correspondence you see the emotion in the words. A drama free life is a numb one. Too much of anything dulls the senses without something to provide balance. You need to get punched in the face to appreciate a kiss. Abandonment to companionship.
I miss being single; lost too much clarity trying to be "us."
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GIAA - Strange Steps
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Posted:Sep 19, 2014 6:49 am
Last Updated:Oct 6, 2014 5:49 am
12299 Views
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Dream of the times
When you saw the sunrise
Uncle's Log
Stardate: 8675309
After babysitting my niece alone for the last two days a realization hit me. There's a difference between caring about someone and caring for someone. Caring about someone requires some effort on your part but not much emotional attachment or devotion. You may care about your friends and family and even be there in their time of need. But would you move heaven and earth for them? Would you put aside your own problems for them? Caring for someone is much more than passive involvement. You can't just throw money at them and expect bliss. Caring for someone requires you to be in the present with them. To help them be strong when they're weak. Heal them when they're ill. I'm not saying devote your entire life; even parents shouldn't do that. But caring for someone is more than a casual glance and pat on the head. It's more than a 10 second conversation that ends with lols. Can love be the same way? I'm pretty sure I'm talking out of my ass right now but dealing with fussy is not a casual relationship. You're either all in or walking away.
UHF (1989)
We are a way for the cosmos to know itself. The same could be said with our use of technology. Before too long skynet will become a reality. And what happens when the created stands in judgement of its creator?
Standing in a smoking lounge I kept thinking what I would do if I had a chance to turn back the clock. How far back would I go and what would I change? Ten months and move along? Two years and say no? 10 years and never swear? Or would I make the same choices only to be wiser in the aftermath? Doesn't matter anyway. You can't change what you did but learn to do better later. But fuck it, history has a history of repeating itself.
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Hammock - Tape Recorder
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Posted:Sep 14, 2014 3:23 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 7:57 pm
12332 Views
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Latest Doctor Who: Brilliant.
Why do we end up where and when we end up? What are the reasons behind the moment of time and space you occupy. Think about it. You're not where or when you were born or even five years ago. And you're not where or when you'll be five years from now or even at the time and place of your death.
Note: if your death is in close proximity in time and/or space to this post, something's wrong. You do not want your last moments on Earth to be my words. They're not worth it. Anyway....
A school of thought that's easy to accept is that everything is random and therefore meaningless. If the universe just happened then everything else just happened and there's no meaning to existence. You could also say that meaning is subjective and it's our job to find meaning in something and yada yada yada..... But if everything is meaningless then nothing would exist. Even death has meaning.
Meanings are subjective, yes. But meaning itself is universal. The "why" of everything. If anything happened for no reason then it's possible that everything happened for no reason. Note: It definitely is possible that everything happened for no reason, but that's no way to live. How would you get out of bed? Now granted, we may never know the reasons behind certain things so we usually chalk it up to "shit happens." But there is a reason you shit, right? So there is a reason to "shit happens." I think I'm rambling now....
Another thing to consider is the gravitas we give to everything as well. Some things hold more weight than others. Again that goes back into meaning and maybe some meanings are less substantial than others but that doesn't mean they're meaningless. Anyway....
Life has its share of ups and downs too. And there's a reason for that too. Can you imagine being on vacation for the rest of your life? Seriously think about it. You do nothing til the day you die. Even if you're at some resort or on your perfect vacation, imagine doing that for the rest of your life. You would go to bed knowing that tomorrow would be the same as it was yesterday as it is today. Flat life, huh?
Where was I? Yes life.... I wrote on alt that life is a sine wave. If time is really a flat circle, it's a circle in motion. The smoothness of up and downs, and repeating our actions. But because we're in motion they're not the same actions as they were before. Essentially the meaning is different. Hiatus sucks, I'll say that much. And the realizations just keep on coming....
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Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors - What Would I Do Without You?
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Posted:Aug 25, 2014 4:11 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 7:57 pm
12458 Views
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One night while walking home, I came across a lady sitting on a bench. She was crying. I sat down beside her and cleared my throat.
"Are you alright?" I asked.
"I'm fine." she replied.
"A woman crying in the middle of the night is not fine."
She blew her nose and rubbed her eyes.
"I just don't what to do anymore." she said.
"About what?"
"It's my job, my family, just my whole life. I feel lost."
I shifted in my seat and looked at the ground. I didn't know this woman or how to comfort her. Then I looked to the night sky.
"Do you ever look at the stars?" I asked.
She sniffled. "No. What good what that do?"
"You know why we have constellations?"
"For navigation."
I sighed.
"Funny when you think about it. When we look to the sky we see the past. Now how can we find our way home by looking to the past?"
"To learn from our mistakes?" she asked.
I chuckled. "That's one theory. But some of those stars are gone. We only see the light they cast before being extinguished. And new stars are born in their place. Just think how bright they'll be."
She looked at me puzzled. "How does that help?"
".....Constellations aren't just for finding your way home. They're also stories for how they came to be. Their struggles, their dreams, their very existence. And though they're trapped by their past, one day they'll be set free. Tormented by their past no more."
"Still not seeing what you're getting to." she said.
"Your story torments you. You feel lost cause you can't find your way home. But just look to the sky knowing that one day you'll be free, and you can write a new story. A new home. After all, nothing's permanent; not even the stars in the sky."
I stood up. "Feel better now?"
She chuckled. "Not really."
"Funny, that usually works. Oh well, sometimes you just have to say 'fuck it' because no one gets out alive."
And I left.
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Good Will Hunting (1997)
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Posted:Aug 17, 2014 8:17 pm
Last Updated:Aug 17, 2014 8:18 pm
12936 Views
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Identity. That's the movie; must see.
Most of us never know why we're alive. Some are lucky to find a passion that gives reason to breathe air into the lungs. Most end up with a job that pays the bills.
I've spent most of my life lacking ambition. Moving from one interest to another because it seemed right at the time. I've jumped from a plane, dived in the pacific, seen over a thousand movies (I think, I lost track about ten years ago), tried to serve my country, studied space and sex, and various other things. But none of these have struck to my core.
Then I held my niece in my arms. It didn't hit me at first; it took a sledgehammer to the heart to make me see it. I want to be a father, and every time I think about it my heart grows heavy and tears fill my eyes. This little bundle with claws and weak bowels gave me more insight than anything else I've seen or done. She's Yoda in a diaper.
I'm on the rocks with my girlfriend though (two things I never thought I'd say: I have a girlfriend and I want a .) We may end up walking down the aisle, or it may go south and I end up with Spongebob sad face.
I remember my prayer in Ireland. "Please don't make me wander the Earth alone." Only time I've really prayed or cried during prayer.
I've cried a lot in the last month, as well as lose a shocking amount of weight; seriously, I'm bordering on MC Hammer pants. But all this is because I found my passion and it's slipping through my fingers. I lost myself only to find myself again but different. I don't want to lose that again.
Songs:
Kate Rusby - I Courted A Sailor
GIAA - Strange Steps
Hammock - Will You Ever Love Yourself?
PS: This technically my 100th post, but I deleted the last one because I didn't want to seem schizo.
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Flubber (1997)
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Posted:Aug 15, 2014 4:48 pm
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2014 4:50 pm
13219 Views
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A good movie can always be summed up in a single word; the crux of the story. What is it that defines it, drives the story forward? What compels the characters to act in the way they do? Jurassic Park: family. Terminator: survival. Flubber: love.
Robin Williams plays a professor who creates a substance instead of attending his own wedding. He missed it twice before and the third time was the last straw for Marcia Gay Harden. He lost his love but gained green goo. On the sidelines is Christopher McDonald who stole Williams' ideas and now tries to steal her.
Williams tries to use Flubber to win her back. He rigs a basketball game to extinguish McDonald's chances; no avail. At the same time, Williams' flying robot Weebo professes her love to Williams only to get shrugged off. She creates a musical number out of spite; very Disney.
When the dust settles from the chaos Williams unloads on Weebo confessing his absent-mindedness is because of his love for Harden. Weebo records this and plays it back to Harden who reconciles with Williams. Final showdown with bad guys ensue, good guys win, everybody lives happily ever after, the end.
But the movie is not about the story; it's about the message behind the story. Love. Love is an abstract concept. It has no universal meaning to man. We sing about it, create stories around it, and make obscene grand gestures in its name. Williams cheats at a game and falls from a window for love. Weebo creates a human hologram and provides plans for a for love. It's not money but love that makes the world go round; love for money counts too.
A person who has never been in love only has the screen to relate. Visions of love fill their mind and they try to imitate. This can come off as selfish. "I did all this for love." Love doesn't need a grand gesture or a flying car. Love isn't said but felt. Love lies in its sincerity; the subtext beneath the script.
Flubber is a traditional family movie. It is neither memorable nor a classic. It is fun to watch and gives Williams a chance to shine without cocaine or magic carpet rides. And the one question it asks is: How far would you go for the one you love?
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Anuna - If All She Has Is You
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Posted:Aug 7, 2014 2:12 am
Last Updated:Aug 27, 2014 4:05 pm
13512 Views
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Even on a quiet night the mind stirs. Possibilities, scenarios, the what ifs. Something missing, something wrong, something not adding up, or is it the mind reaching in the dark? A callback to a countdown. The clock stopped but started ticking again. The unsettling feeling of dishonesty and manipulation. Why does the cycle continue? And what of the future? Does intimacy imply honesty or do we hide in the shadows? Uncertainty and suspicion, poison in the mind. But if all is as it should be then why worry? The fear of what is to follow. And will the dying of light breathe life once more?
Now I give it a month.
(Side note: I really wanted to delete this after a talk, but I can't now. What has been seen cannot be unseen.)
Side note: Never be in front of a small when you have to fart.
Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself from negativity. - Sexual Feelings tumblr.
Subject change
Edit: Hammock - (Let's Kiss) While All the Stars are Falling Down
The passion of the moment.
The feel of your skin and you shudder at touch.
The warmth of your lips and the sparks on your tongue.
The heat. The feeling of being complete.
The lust in your eyes and wanting more.
The hunger inside. The need. The rhythm.
Abandon your senses, surrender to your desires.
And in a flash time stops; there's only here only now.
I miss you. Why are you so far from me?
Garfunkel & Oates - The Fade Away
Nothing to say, just this song is really funny. Plus "You're the Worst" is a really funny show, but it does have a tendency to hit the "too close to home" mark.
Animal Collective - Did You See The Words
Where is all this going? So many questions so little answers. Sometimes you don't get the whole story, no matter how you try.
So many things to say but can't find the words.
Slumber takes hold, so close but so far away.
One grows, one remains. Stuck by their choices.
So much fear, so little love. The terror within.
At the edge of losing it all, only to gain nothing.
The right choice, the hardest choice.
What scares you the most?
It's a weird feeling to describe right now. Kinda like a hospital waiting room. You worry because that's all you can do, but at some point you stop worrying. It's out of our hands. I can recall another time I felt like this; archived for reflection. Play time's over.
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The Commodores - Nightshift
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Posted:Jul 24, 2014 9:30 pm
Last Updated:Jul 28, 2014 5:14 pm
16331 Views
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When I was in sixth grade our PE teacher, Mr. Fox, had us do a presentation on a pair of shoes we owned; had to be told from their perspective. I thought it would be fitting to do the same for these.
Hi. I'm Asics, and I'm three years old. While I'm at the end of my time here I can't help but look back on all the fun I've had. I was bought from this man back in 2011 after he went through some tough times. If things had gone another way I wouldn't be here and neither would he.
Anyway he brought me with him to Tennessee to begin new chapters in our lives. I first saw the world on a film set and received a nice compliment. "New Treads," I was called. We had fun on that set and the set after that. Even got to see a prison where "The Green Mile" was filmed.
But for awhile we wouldn't see much of each other. He had just started his airline job and had to wear steel toe shoes and with school and work being so close together I stayed home a lot. I had to miss when he had lasik which made him very happy.
I knew we would have our moments together though. I got to be with him on a important student film where he lit the set and worked the dolly; definitely got a work out that weekend.
But the first true test would come the next month when we went to Los Angeles for the first time. We went everywhere and saw a ton of stuff. We saw Grauman's Theater, The Kodak Theater (that's where the Oscars are hosted), The Hollywood sign (from far away though), all the way over to Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive. Fancy. And the crowning moment was when we went up the trail to Griffin Observatory and got to see the skyline at night. Needless to say we were very tired on the way back, but that was nothing compared to our next adventure. We were going to Egypt. Yay!
First we had to stop in Paris. We don't like to talk about Paris. I spent a lot of the time in puddles and on wet roads, not to mention being stuck in that airport forever. At least we saw Notre Dame; that's got to count for something.
So after leaving Paris we arrived in Cairo. It was amazing. I got to touch the pyramids and go through the museum. There was a good half hour in there where we just stood and stared at King Tut's mask. Boring but he made up for it by going through a mummy room. I got to walk by an Egyptian, tee hee.
After a few days in Cairo we took a train to Luxor and saw some temples and valleys. It was great but sad because that was near the end of the trip and had to head home. We spent another day in Cairo before going back to....Paris; even worse the second time around but we made it back home fine.
We were just getting started by then. I got to experience my first concert seeing a band called POD. He had seen them some time before, but we neither of us had seen Red or the guitarist from Korn. Let's just say I was tired after that and could use a rest which he gave me but only for so long.
Not two months after that we went to the Grand Cayman Islands with a friend of his and that's friend's girlfriend. She thought I was ugly and I got sand all over me. He may have had fun, but I didn't.
He then made things worse when we went to New Orleans for the first time. It was so sticky. All he did was get drunk and eat while I had to wade through the filth and sand.
He made up for it though with another trip to Los Angeles. We pretended to be skydivers and see some of the pretty coastline. He had a nasty bike accident though; left a scar.
Around this time school was starting up and we were at work for a film he was making and I was going to be in it; lots of location scouting.
Then he surprised me with a trip to Atlanta with another friend of his to see Florence + The Machine. I was getting my music cred at this point. And not long after that we went to Chicago to see Peter Gabriel. Well he saw Peter Gabriel, I just saw more shoes and chair legs. Pfft.
He was just full of surprises by this point. We took a drive to Bloomington to see Balmorhea. He got sick by drinking too fast and starting to smoke nasty cigarettes but we had fun.
Now it was showtime and what a weekend. We drove to Atlanta to get camera gear, spent the whole weekend filming (I did most of the work), then went back to Atlanta to return the gear and back to Nashville the same day for an Imagine Dragons concert. He was wearing me out, and we had to leave for Massachusetts the next morning to get his film developed. We rested heavily after that but we weren't done.
He took me to Ireland for a GIAA concert with two of his friends and we served as navigator the whole time. I was having hard time on those road while he was having a hard time trying to get laid.
And all that's just 2012. Not to mention the student sets I walked on.
2013 started out different. He went to Minneapolis twice without me. I had gone once before to a house warming party so I didn't expect anything big. Turns out he went to some big New Year's shindig and a rave. The fun I missed.
He made up for it though by letting me be on a really big student film where he just handle lighting. The we went back to New Orleans for his birthday. I was already starting to show my age at this point like him, but one of us was in denial. He decided to move there and drag me along for the ride. This is where things took a dramatic turn and needed an intermission. I'm not as young as I use to be and need my rest. I'll continue later.
Edit: Katatonia - The Racing heart.
Now, where was I? Ah yes. It was 19....and 7 when I was working in the local drug store. My boss, Mr. Withersby, was a kind man. But he had these eyes, you know? That kind that had seen something. Something rough and evil. The kind of thing you see every time you close your eyes......
Sorry, I was recalling a story I heard from an old pair of loafers. Let us continue. New Orleans
The move was a strange one for us. He had got into his head that this was some reset move and his passion was bigger than his perseverance. And he thought of replacing me too.
Just over a month into our stay in the Big Easy we made a trip to Nashville. Something big was going to happen. You could feel it in his step. Not to mention I hadn't ever see him fully shave. But remember the girl from the Cayman's? Well, it seems she had a friend she wanted to introduce us to and she made him wear flip flops. Something happened that night because he hasn't been the same since.
One time after a day at work, and he was still smoking mind you, he decided to give blood. Then his roommate convinces him to go to this urban wine mixer. A man who smokes, has been out under the hot sun all day, gives blood and goes to some urban party where he has no food or water and just continues to smoke? "If that ain't David Lynch, then there's something wrong with that boy." Something my Dad would've said if he existed.
Oh and it gets worst. He went to beach without me and came back sicker than a torn sole. Then he had the nerve to have us go to Atlanta for some training. He spent that whole trip coughing a lung up. And this was after he brought in some new blue shoes to take my place. They looked so easy and cheap. They didn't last long.....
But I'm old mind you by this point and can't be everywhere. I missed his trip to Tucson. Apparently he saw that band we had seen in Bloomington. It hurts the heart but I understand. I was past my prime. I just didn't want to be forgotten.
Well I wasn't, but, looking back on it, I wish I had. We took another trip; this time to Indianapolis then Nashville. He needed something from his folks and he introduced me to two of his old high school buddies. Quirky bunch but you could tell good friends. Now in Nashville we met up with one of our good college buddies. She had moved the year prior to Franklin, and we didn't get to see her as much. So he rented a car, first time doing that, and drove to see her. Huh? I guess distance does change people. But the trip wasn't over yet. We went see to his work friend with the Cayman's girl and her lovely friend. Let's just say he called in sick the next day. Something must've been really wrong for him to do something like that. We all have the urge from time to time, I understand, but this was completely unlike him and came off as wrong; at least to me. I just hope he knew what he was doing.
We took a trip to San Diego soon after and it felt like old times. We saw a nice play at The Globe theater. I thought it was Hamlet, but that should have been a warning sign because they were laughing. Something didn't feel right. We walk back to the airport around midnight and we can't get in. And this idiot just went with what he had in his pockets. We pulled that off in New York, but this was a different time and a different person. But could you excuse me for a minute? I think I hear the phone ringing....
Sorry, wrong number.
Anyway, we spent a good bit of the wee hours of the morning just walking around downtown San Diego. The only respite was a 24 hour diner at 3am; hubcap sized pancakes. Needless to say we finally made it, but I'm still sure something was wrong with him. He got a tattoo not a week later. Strange, right? One time he spent three days in his sister's empty apartment getting ready for a pub crawl he didn't go to at the last minute.
We took the odd trip here and there. We helped his sister move, and he finally took me to that rave in Minneapolis. I was getting too old for this by now.
Then he starts dating. I'm telling you the train wrecks I saw him do....makes you weep for the poor boy.
But he finally met someone. Ah, the joy it brought into his heart, and the things he would do for her. We went an hour out to a mall where he got her a stuffed animal for her birthday. We took on a lovely trip to Minneapolis for that rave. It was freezing! At least there was the train and that giant mall with the fishes. That's where my glorious portrait was taken after I had killed it on the dance floor.
But even with her in his life, something was still missing. He didn't find much joy on anything; even went to his favorite museum as a . I guess it was the news he received some months prior about becoming an uncle. He even went to his sister's and assembled the crib after working that morning.
Even a trip to Indy to see a comedian he loved didn't do the trick. I didn't know what the problem was. Maybe he was feeling lonely and feared losing the girl in his life. Or maybe I was bringing him pain; I'm way past retirement at this point. I don't know what he was feeling but what's worse is I didn't know it would get worse. He rarely left the house, and we would only go to work together where I wouldn't see til the end of his shift. I knew I should've raised a red flag when he shaved his head, but what could I do? I was untied. Then I see him get drunk in a public park on a hot day. What an idiot.
But there was a bit of hope on the horizon. One last hoorah. We're were going to London, but we had no idea what was to follow.
Right when we were about to leave his niece was on the way. What could he do but continue on? And so we did. When we arrived to foggy London town we only had a limited amount of time before the reason we were there, Monty Python. If you were to take all the walking we did since the start of this story, you wouldn't even come close to the hoofing we did. We saw so much and experienced history. Then we flew back to the states to see the newest member of the family. She was so beautiful.
But all the joy was not to last. On the way back to New Orleans he received some distressing news and it freaked him out. So much that he went back to the state he was in before I met him, and I could do nothing. Apparently there was trouble between him and her.
It's sad to see him like this when we're at the end of our time together. This is nothing we've ever gone through and he has to walk through this alone. I've seen him go through so much, and I won't be able to be there for him while he struggles. I can only hope that my successor, who I approve, will be there for him. I don't know what the future holds, but I think he'll still be standing at the end.
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