Irish Hospitality
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Posted:Aug 30, 2012 7:09 am
Last Updated:Sep 2, 2012 10:58 am
7247 Views
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Irish Hospitality
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times!
Be careful who you bare your soul to. Too few will honor the gift, and even fewer have any idea of it s worth.
~Vaya con Dios~
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Sex, according to Professions
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Posted:Jul 26, 2012 3:45 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 4:45 pm
6427 Views
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Sex, according to Professions . . .
ACCORDING TO THE DOCTORS IS A DISEASE
Because you always end up in bed.
ACCORDING TO LAWYERS IS AN INJUSTICE.
Because there is always one up and one down.
ACCORDING TO THE ENGINEERS IS THE MACHINE MORE PERFECT.
Because it is the only working when is for.
ACCORDING TO THE ARCHITECTS IS AN ERROR
Because the zone of entertainment this next to the drain.
ACCORDING TO THE POLITICIANS IS THE PERFECT DEMOCRACY.
Because enjoys both as this above as below.
ACCORDING TO ECONOMISTS IS A BAD INVESTMENT.
Because it is more coming that what comes out.
ACCORDING TO MATHEMATICIANS IS THE PERFECT MATHEMATICAL EQUATION.
Because the women raised the Member at full power, encloses it between parentheses, extract you the common factor and then reduces to a minimum.
And for you, what is...?
Perhaps this page is best viewed from the bottom of a freshly emptied Wine, Beer or Margarita glass! ~Vaya con Dios~
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Sumbich
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Posted:Jul 20, 2012 10:07 am
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2012 4:07 am
7476 Views
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Sumbich . . .
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear!
Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
~Vaya con Dios~
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Mongolian VD
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Posted:Jul 12, 2012 4:15 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2012 9:19 am
7297 Views
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Mongolian VD . . .
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy wawe disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid Amewican docttah, always want opawate. Make mowe money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”
~Vaya con Dios~
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Five Minute Management Course
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Posted:Jul 11, 2012 8:54 pm
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2012 4:11 pm
7602 Views
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Five Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129...
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so very cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
~ " Vaya con Dios " ~
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what a coincidence
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Posted:Jun 13, 2012 10:14 pm
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2012 10:37 pm
7527 Views
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A Man in a bar order’s champagne.
A Lady sitting next to him say’s,”what a coincidence I've just ordered champagne too!”
The Man replies, "I'm celebrating!"
"Me too", say’s the lady, "what a coincidence!"
He says, "what are you celebrating?"
Lady explains, “My husband and I have been trying for years for a baby, and today I just found out that I am pregnant!”
Man “ Well what a coincidence, I am a Chicken Farmer and for years my hens were infertile, and today they all laid eggs!”
Lady “ wow how did that happen?”
Man firmly stated, “ I used a different cock “
Lady smiled, winked and clinked his glass and then replied, “ what a coincidence”
~Vaya con Dios~
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85-year-old grandpa
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Posted:Mar 24, 2012 5:32 pm
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2012 3:43 pm
8120 Views
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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"I'm feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better, these young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night, at 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it, I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, " I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis, surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.
It works wonderfully well the chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.
~Vaya con Dios~
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CHUCKLE FOR TODAY
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Posted:Mar 5, 2012 7:59 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 4:45 pm
7199 Views
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Sven says to Ole: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with Lena. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Ole says: "Well the joke's on them, because I wasn't even home yesterday"!
There is a crack in everything . . . that's how the light gets in!
Now ... Smile out loud! ~Vaya con Dios~
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Nutrition and Health
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Posted:Feb 25, 2012 11:53 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 4:45 pm
7468 Views
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Nutrition and Health
I think I have just found my new Primary Care Provider…
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take long naps!
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc . . .
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain... is good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you???
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me . . .
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! So is Fluffy!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - your favorite drink in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ~Vaya con Dios~
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Shamus and Murphy
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Posted:Feb 21, 2012 12:01 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 4:45 pm
7458 Views
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have much money between them, only able to raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison Whiskey.
Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!”
~Vaya con Dios~
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Unexpected Guests
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Posted:Feb 21, 2012 11:54 am
Last Updated:Feb 23, 2012 12:50 pm
8059 Views
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A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”
Live as if today was your last because you never know it could be
~Vaya con Dios~
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Ole's Truck Accident
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Posted:Feb 7, 2012 1:33 pm
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2012 7:26 pm
8225 Views
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Ole's truck was hit by a semi-truck in an accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road.....
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my . I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'.
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?'
Yeppers some would fall into a barrel of nipples and come out sucking their thumb! ~Vaya con Dios~
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Help From The Medicine Man!
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Posted:Feb 6, 2012 2:25 pm
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2012 11:48 pm
8407 Views
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Help From The Medicine Man!
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise his wife.
He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne.
After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."
Suddenly he has the most gigantic and rigid hard-on he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised.
His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
There is a crack in everything for that is how the light gets in!
~Vaya con Dios~
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