A Delicate Situation
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Posted:Aug 10, 2014 8:34 pm
Last Updated:Aug 10, 2014 9:59 pm
11130 Views
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Here is one from my marriage.
How do you ask for something...out of the norm...sexually in your relationship? This doesn't have to be asking your straight laced partner to participate in an orgy. If could be as simple as "let's do it with the lights on".
When it's a casual thing, it is in a lot of ways easier to just try something than ask for it. You know, better to ask for forgiveness than permission. You know if they don't want it, they WILL let you know. But when you are in a relationship, there are lasting effects and even direct or dire consequences.
When you're in a relationship do you just bluntly announce you want something? Subtly hint until they catch on? Call a meeting and put 'sex' on the agenda?
I know it depends on the partner, but the mechanism doesn't. How do you ask?
Do you think it matters if you are a man or a woman when it comes to things like this?
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A Dose of Reality
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Posted:Feb 28, 2017 9:28 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2024 8:25 am
4556 Views
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Have you ever run into an ex and thought, “wow, I used to be with him/her.”
Was the next feeling nostalgia, memories of all the good times? How great you were together?
Comparisons with the current or most recent partner follow, and the perfection of memory swallows the actuality. All that is left is the best of what was. And how less perfect what followed is or was…
So, yeah, I saw an old girlfriend earlier this month while shopping. And, of course, she looked amazing. Just back from a Caribbean vacation, a bit of sun still apparent on her face. I remembered that smile, that laugh, even the head tilt with yearning.
And yes, I contemplated how things ‘might have been’ if we hadn't broken up years ago.
Humans do that, regardless of gender.
It wasn’t until I returned home that I really thought it through.
There is a reason that we are not together now.
All the little slights, the annoyances, that became minor issues. The minor issues that became problems. And then the problems that became deal breakers. Things that we chose not to work through, things said and unsaid, and the feeling that it would be better to be apart.
That is rarely what you think when you catch up with a former lover, unless the breakup was horrendous. And that too, is human nature.
The grass is rarely greener on the other side – but instinctively we believe that to be true. It is almost a need. We all have flaws. No one, and therefore no relationship, is perfect. And memory is very selective, since we prefer to see ourselves and our choices in the best light.
So however wistful I was as I watched her walk away, I know that we made the right choice a decade ago.
The fantasy of what might have been is just that.
A wonderful but improbable fantasy.
But I do kinda miss her…a bit.
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Degrees of Engagement
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Posted:Jan 31, 2017 3:30 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2024 8:25 am
4153 Views
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Commitment
Per the Oxford English dictionary:
1. the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.
2. an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.
Reading those definitions, one would think that these are definitions of different concepts.
“Dedication to something” seems nothing like obligation, and the implications of “restriction of freedom of action” come across as quite negative. Of course, there are several uses of the word that mean similar yet different things.
A promise is a personal commitment. It is a declaration to do (or not do) something. You know, like making a date or getting engaged, that sort of thing. People make and break these all the time.
A contract is a legal commitment. This one is like a promise, but legally enforceable. Penalties exist for not fulfilling the terms. People make and break these as well, but fewer break these because of the possible judicial end results.
An involuntary commitment is a legal (whether civic or criminal) means of confining someone to a mental hospital or psychiatric ward. Some people call this marriage (not me, of course…) Some people feel as if they are a part of this when they make a more casual commitment that the other party takes far more seriously and that leads to one party feeling trapped.
Commitment is many different things to different people.
People tend to avoid commitment, whether here on this site or in the real world. For some, it is antithetical to the nature of the site. The casual, the transitory, the purely carnal. It is seen as limiting the options, narrowing the focus a bit too much. Perhaps a bit too limiting, I suppose.
On the other hand, some use the site to find someone with more permanency – the FWB or even boyfriend/girlfriend. For those people, a lesser commitment is encouraged, even rewarded.
All of this navel gazing came to pass because of a discussion I had with the ex. My commitment during the marriage was challenged. Facts notwithstanding, this was nothing new. Someone wants the blame to be one sided. But with that, my commitment was not absolute when the end times came. I was ready for things to end. At that time, commitment was not what I was interested in. Freedom was.
I would not mind some form of commitment today. Time heals and all that. Just not the involuntary one…
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The Enemy of My Enemy Is My Friend?
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Posted:Dec 31, 2016 12:37 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2024 8:25 am
4162 Views
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I have communicated with a few divorced women here on the website. Several of them have commiserated with me over the travails of divorce. There are very few uplifting parts of a divorce, and even the most amicable is painful. It is comforting to hear someone else express some of the same feelings you have felt as the process unfolded. An additional upside is that person is usually on your side of the argument. In fact, they will talk trash about the ex for you.
Got to say that there is some appeal to those women. We have some things in common to start, and almost endless things to talk about based on that alone. Misery does love company, and there are always parts of you that feel the sting of divorce.
What I have found is that it becomes an endless cycle of nothing but “my ex this” and “my ex that” discussions. Constant rehashes of the issues with the previous partner and very little effort to move forward. While the sharing of negative experiences does help bring you together, dwelling there for more than the first few conversations limits growth. It just keeps going back to the anger or disappointment.
Don’t get me wrong, it is a decent place to start – something to jump start a dialog – but there is more to life than the ex. And while I appreciate someone willing to share something of their real life with me, I want to do more than provide therapy. (And I hope that I have not come across as a misery vampire when discussing it.)
So, feel free to talk about the ex, just please try to remember that there are other subjects I am more than willing to broach with you. And I bet that they will make you feel a bit better in the end. This ends the public service announcement.
And on a different note, Happy New Year to everyone and good luck in your searches out there.
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Puberty 2.0
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Posted:Nov 29, 2016 10:58 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2024 8:25 am
4415 Views
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There are moments in life that you never really see coming. The first gray hair, becoming just like your parents You know it is possible, even probable, but one does not know that date until it happens.
I had one of those moments today.
Today was the day I became that “dirty old man”. The moment came and flashed before me, leaving me stunned. I was walking through a department store, not doing anything out of the ordinary when I looked around and saw something.
The skin tight yoga pants, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination, the not subtle curvature of her (let’s be generous) 20 year old ass or the smooth skin of her smiling face (at her similarly young suitor).
I looked, as I had for most of my life, at an attractive female form. However, when I looked and realized how old the woman was, I felt something new.
Shame. I felt that I should not have looked at her because she was young.
I believe that I even know why. And no, it wasn’t just the ‘twice her age’ difference.
The women that have really been appealing to me lately haven’t been the stereotypical model types. Rather, they have been more of the curvier, healthier type. While I like the SI swimsuit/Victoria’s Secret model look, it isn’t where my mind goes when I think about a partner. Somehow, I prefer reality to fantasy even in my imagination. Not what I would have thought would be the case back when I was 19, or 28, or even 35. Go figure.
Now, I do still admire the taut young things and their gravity defiance. But when I think, perchance to dream of an actual bedmate, I see curves and comfort. Sensual rather than purely athletic.
I dream of Indian summer, no longer desperate for eternal spring. Just feels right to me.
Is that maturity? I truly hope so…
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What is Great Sex?
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Posted:Oct 30, 2016 3:43 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2024 8:25 am
5175 Views
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Great sex is a unifying force. Everyone I know is for it. Never met anyone that said they didn’t want it. Of course, it is highly unlikely that we are all envisioning the same thing when we say or think about it.
I believe that great sex is like Justice Potter Stewart’s response to what pornography is, we know it when we see – or “experience” – it. What I once thought was great sex is just sex now. It went from just having it, to different varieties of it. For some, it is candles and massage oils; for others, shackles and paddles.
And for others, it is somewhere in between.
From my perspective, it is not the physical that makes great sex. We (mostly) have the requisite body parts, which of them is immaterial, since we have all kinds of combinations of the letters here – from M to F to T to Q. Stimulation of the nerve rich areas of our bodies tends to make us responsive.
But sometimes people just are not in sync. Chemistry matters. Two somewhat perfect bodies can have a hard time making it work, while two more average ones can set off fireworks. It can take appreciating the other person, their wants and even their kinks. Trying something you never thought you would enjoy, just because the other person wants to give it a go.
I think it even means being able to laugh when the inevitable imperfect moment happens, that errant sound that bodies can make together displacing air. Or someone gets there just a little too soon. Perhaps not soon enough…
That is why, to me, great sex happens between the ears and not between the legs. The ability to relax and enjoy being with someone can enhance the physical act. You don’t need 12 inches or double Ds to be great in bed. You just need to be willing to be there, in the moment and into the person you are there with. Be willing to try, to listen, to explore.
There is much more to great sex than simple mechanics. In my humble opinion anyway…
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The Friend Zone, Or How to Miss All the Signs
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Posted:Sep 30, 2016 8:51 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2024 8:25 am
5827 Views
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There is a truism out there that seems accurate: “If you have to ask if you are in the friend zone, you probably are.”
I bring this up for two reasons.
One is a friend of mine at work and his tale of “oh no”. The object of his affection seemed receptive to him…in the beginning. He thought that befriending her before showing interest was the best way to go. By time he made his move (after waiting almost a year), she thought he was her personal puppy. He had hoped proximity would be his in. Instead, she came to think of him as another girlfriend. She was shocked when he told her how he had always felt.
She had no idea.
The second reason has to do with the opposite side. I have a friend of the female persuasion that I have confided in. She has provided some insight into how women view relationships. Helpful stuff, really. I recently learned that she has harbored feelings for me. After three years, seemingly out of nowhere, a revelation. I was married when we met. Still in the good phase of my marriage back then, in fact.
I had no idea.
Just like my work friend exhibited, all the signs were there from the beginning but I wasn’t paying attention. She was just a fixture in my world of acquaintances, not an interest. Even when I separated from the ex, not an overt sign of attraction. The bad part (for her, anyway) is that I don’t think of her that way. Too much water under that particular bridge to change how I see her.
I missed the signs, that in retrospect, I should have caught. The touching me on the arm, the always laughing at anything remotely humorous. But friends do that too, right?
If she had been more direct, maybe things would have been different. And perhaps if my male friend had been a bit more honest with the woman, he could have made it out of the friend zone.
Damn tough place to be in, even harder to escape.
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Why Is It So Hard?
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Posted:Aug 31, 2016 9:21 pm
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2016 1:44 am
6687 Views
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This place has changed over the last several months. It was once a very welcoming community, where it was relatively easy to meet people and share whatever you liked. Between chat rooms and the instant messaging system, we could talk to just about anyone. Add to that the cams, where people were as uninhibited as they wanted, and making connections was pretty simple.
Today, we are on a different site. As a standard member, you cannot even read your e-mail when you receive it these days. I completely understood no free sending but not to even read what you receive? And from being able to view one cam at a time to now none at all? Well, if you have enough points, you can. Of course, if that person is broadcasting privately or decides to shut down within seconds of you watching, your loss.
Non paying members are now cut off from all but one of the most basic ways to get to know someone here. And that has fundamentally changed how this place works. Gold to gold is fine, but gold to standard might as well not exist. Those that pay can reach out but probably will not hear back from those that do not - well not without paying for that privilege as well.
Not anywhere near what we initially signed up for. Things are a lot more difficult now just to say hello, let alone try to get to know someone.
I am only one voice here, but this website was what we used to make it. Now it is what they have decided it will be. Perhaps we should find a way to bring back the community rather than perpetuate this more mercenary place we have now.
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Separation Anxiety
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Posted:Jul 31, 2016 2:32 pm
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2016 1:42 am
7020 Views
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Someone asked me what life is like after divorce. I replied that it depends upon your outlook at the time.
Sometimes it is lonely, like when you miss that comfortable companionship, that familiarity that comes with being with someone that knows you well. Even the arguments are missed (how messed up is that?), just in terms of interaction. Friends help, but it isn’t the same (and we aren’t even considering the sexual part here). Someone to cuddle with and watch some TV.
And then there are the times when you just feel alone. The difference? Looking forward to finding the next comfortable companion but feeling pretty content with life as it stands. More optimistic than the lonely feeling.
Of course, there is the feeling of relief, the one that says the tension and pressure is gone with your partner. That one fades pretty quickly, though.
I am tired of all three of those now. Pretty sure my baggage is dealt with and now stashed in the attic. Passage of time and all that.
But I am curious, any of you other divorced people have that lonely/alone dichotomy? Did it take you a while to get over yourself?
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What Is It Good For?
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Posted:Jun 30, 2016 5:42 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2016 11:09 pm
8025 Views
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So, I have been thinking about what makes this place so special.
Is it the naked pictures? The cams? The variously themed chat rooms?
Perhaps it is the ability to say what you want, what you are into, and what you might be willing to try in your profile?
I think it is the relative honesty.
You can let your freak flag fly here. Post video clips of you in a three way or pleasuring yourself with abandon. I know that ours is a supposedly free and open society, but honesty about actual sex is still in the taboo zone. It just isn’t done in polite society.
You can ask the inappropriate question or questions with a lot lower chance of being judged for doing so. Hell, you might be celebrated for it here. I’ve seen quite a few polls about all sorts of curiosities.
And then there is this particular medium. I have had the opportunity to discuss part of why I ended up divorced, dating, privacy and even the elephant in the room – "what we are all here for". All done with no fear of reprisal or need to self-censor.
You can embrace whatever your truth is here, and someone with one pretty close to it will see it. You can even trade ideas about it openly. This place, this community, makes it easier for us all to be ourselves.
For that, I am pretty thankful.
Off to perv a cam…maybe…
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Scratching An Itch
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Posted:May 30, 2016 7:18 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2024 8:25 am
7276 Views
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Indulgence: the act of doing something that you enjoy but that is usually thought of as wrong or unhealthy; something that is done or enjoyed as a special pleasure
This site is built around indulgence. The pursuit of satisfaction or gratification is in everything we do here. Sending messages to people that interest or stimulate you, watching them on cam, communicating with them in chat…all to find some sort of fulfillment. Of course, it is not as simple as that, due to the subject matter.
Sex.
In the abstract, it is a healthy and necessary thing. It is how we propagate the species, express our desires and appreciation and even celebrate being alive. What could be better than that? Very few things, I assure you.
But we do not exist in the abstract. The general view of sex outside of this site seems to deny those things. It is as if we are still living in a Puritanical society, one of shaming and guilt rather than joy. Despite how enlightened and advanced we are, our mores keep reflecting a time when medicine was pursued with leeches and “humours” were a thing. It is one reason that we keep our participation here more quiet than if we were on Match or eHarmony. You think people on those websites aren’t going to engage in sexual activity? Really?
Those that read this are a part of the “decadence” and “excess” those Puritans railed against. You have chosen to embrace passion and life, rather than repression. There is nothing wrong with expressing yourself, and being honest about pleasure. The unhealthy thing is to deny those very natural impulses.
Be real, be honest…indulge.
Bet it will feel good.
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True Lies
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Posted:Apr 30, 2016 9:15 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2016 7:20 pm
6909 Views
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“Was it good for you?”
“You always do it for me.”
This one is an oldie but goodie from some work discussions. One of the things I find hard to believe about intimacy between partners is the inability to be honest. I have discussed this on my blog before. No, not about the basics (although that happens) but about what feels good and what doesn’t.
Why is it that people fake it? Fear of hurt feelings or ego? Rejection? Soreness, perhaps?
Would it not be better to just say “I didn’t get there this time but I enjoyed doing it with you and making you happy?” Or if that isn’t the case, “maybe we should try it like this next time,…”
I am well aware that male egos are linked to the penis, being a guy. But most men I know would rather do whatever it takes to actually fulfill our partners than hear a lot of fake moans and platitudes. Perpetuating the problem is a sure fire way to dysfunctional sex.
Let’s face it, men think the big O is the be all, end all and we should be able to get you there each and every time. But it isn’t realistic and all the fake gyrations and screams aren’t going to help. Help us help you. Really.
Talk it over. No need to make it about ability (which does bring the ego into it), but more about what actually feels good. It might not happen from penetration, but there are other things that bring it on. Explore them.
Let’s talk about sex, baby.
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A Little Help Here?
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Posted:Mar 31, 2016 9:57 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2016 4:34 am
7107 Views
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I have been thinking about one of the age old conundrums (for me anyway): when is an event that a pair of people go out and do something together an actual date?
When I was younger, I rarely “asked someone out” in the stereotypical style. I did not use the word date. If the outing was just myself and a girl/woman, I just suggested “hanging out” and doing whatever. So, technically, I have not dated much at all. Now, especially with texts involved, a one on one hangout could be interpreted in a number of ways.
On the other hand, the women I went out with did call them dates after the fact if they had interest in me. The platonic ones rarely did that. I still don’t.
So, is it a date if we never actually call it that? Should naming it matter, if what takes place is essentially a date anyway? Is a hook up a date? In the era of FWBs, how would you know what is what? Do we date here at Affairlook, technically?
Just curious…any input would be appreciated.
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