When O. J. Dies.........You are going to love this.......
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Posted:Oct 29, 2008 6:10 pm
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2008 7:24 pm
3901 Views
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One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
Time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said . . . . . (This is priceless)
'OK, Monica, you're free to go --
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How to Choose................
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Posted:Oct 25, 2008 4:55 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 9:31 pm
4133 Views
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Choosing A Girlfriend
A man wanted to find a girlfriend.
He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and watches to see what they do
with the money.
The first does a total make-over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new make-up
and buys several new outfits,
then dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this
to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy
the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs,
some new gizmos for his computer,
and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts,
she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him
because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5,000
and reinvests the remainder
in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to
save for their future because
she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time
about what each woman had done
with the money he'd given her.
Then, he choose the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent
on breast implants
and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer' s research.
This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection
of what to do with either of them
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Busy time............
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Posted:Oct 21, 2008 4:37 pm
Last Updated:Oct 25, 2008 1:16 pm
4566 Views
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I always like to try and post something on a daily basis, be it a joke or just something that says HI, I am still here. BUT.... you now what....Life sometimes has a mind of its own. Seems like work, work around the house and family and things with my womans group having been keeping me extremely busy. I keep asking myself when is it going to be my turn. I think of these days I am just going to say "MY TURN" and just take it.
That day may be Thursday night. The Omaha Meet and Greet group is having a Halloween Theme Greet. It is posted on the group page if anyone is interested. I am looking forward to it and told my fellow co-workers to probably stay clear of my office on Friday, because I think I will either be tired or hangover or maybe both. Any takers out there to be my designated driver.LOL
Well to all have a great night and a wonderful rest of the week and I will see everyone down the road of life.
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Joke of the day......
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Posted:Oct 18, 2008 2:40 pm
Last Updated:Oct 19, 2008 5:41 pm
3904 Views
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Two women had gone for a girl's night out. Both were faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten overly enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!'
That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
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Passion......
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Posted:Oct 16, 2008 6:31 pm
Last Updated:Oct 19, 2008 2:44 pm
3997 Views
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“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.”
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You used to think of people naked..... not anymore......
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Posted:Oct 15, 2008 7:17 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 9:31 pm
3984 Views
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on thepulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to getnervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)The Father, , and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the spook.
 David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't sayhe was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this andeat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks forthe grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck toeveryone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.
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Just wishing...........
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Posted:Oct 9, 2008 7:40 pm
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2008 3:56 pm
4316 Views
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Everyone a great and wonderful weekend. I am heading out of town in the morning to spend the weekend with family in Western Nebraska. Going to be celebrating a few milestones in Life. Not mine because I have not reached that 1/2 century mark, but it is coming up in a few years and It might actually be mid life crisis time. LOL I hope not, but you just never know.
Well I better go and finish packing so that I can head off to bed and be up by 4.
To one and all have a great weekend and will talk with you next week.
Hugs and Smiles to Everyone.
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Dear Tide........
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Posted:Oct 8, 2008 7:12 pm
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2008 7:42 pm
3984 Views
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I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how c lumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative! to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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Computer Crashed........
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Posted:Oct 6, 2008 6:30 pm
Last Updated:Oct 6, 2008 8:49 pm
3946 Views
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I can't respond to any emails today.
Something has crashed on my computer
and the mouse is missing. .
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Quiet Night At Home...........
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Posted:Oct 4, 2008 6:29 pm
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2008 3:07 pm
4323 Views
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which is very much needed. I had the chance to go watch the Huskers play with friends from the Omaha Meet and Greet Group, but I decided I needed a night at home to just relax. Something that I have not really done all week. Work has been very hectic and this next week will be not different. I am doing something tomorrow I have not done for a long time. I am going to work for a few hours, but it will be worth it.
I am taking a 4 day weekend, next weekend to go spend some time with family in Western Nebraska. I am looking forward to it. It is one of my MANY MANY Aunts 75th Birthday and her 's 50th. The Sisters are planning the surprise party for both of them. It should be a good time. I will also get to visit with friends I have not seen for a long time and just sort of be a party. Family, Friends and Good Times. LOL
My boss is letting me go as long as I meet my goal, that he set. LOL Can he really do that if I have 3 weeks of PTO time to use by the end of the year. We will see. That is one of the reason I am going in tomorrow. Just part of the game.
So what do you do so that you can have time off??? or do you just call in sick and hope you don't get caught. I told my boss I was taking the next day off for a sick day. He asked why and I told him the place was making me go mental. Does your job do that????
Well I am starting to ramble so better shut it down and quit typing or I could be here all night. LOL
To one and all have a great night and again I have to say
GO HUSKERS
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A resume I found...........UUUMMMMM should we hire........
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Posted:Oct 3, 2008 4:13 pm
Last Updated:Oct 3, 2008 8:03 pm
4631 Views
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My Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am w! erth,
I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Bubba
PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - I have attached a pickture of me.
Employer's response:...
Dear Bubba,
It's OK, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.
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Speedos
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Posted:Oct 2, 2008 7:03 pm
Last Updated:Oct 3, 2008 4:04 am
4165 Views
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Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn'tseem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them oldbaggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer, They're years outta style.
You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'
JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate.
The potato goes in front!'
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Let me make your day...........
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Posted:Sep 27, 2008 2:17 pm
Last Updated:Sep 30, 2008 4:19 pm
4121 Views
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THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-
spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
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To link to this blog (Mickey0820) use [blog Mickey0820] in your messages.
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