Redneck Man's pick up lines
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Posted:Jan 16, 2007 5:19 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2007 2:26 am
2865 Views
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1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
 Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
*
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
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XO
Labio
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ANOTHER LAWYER STORY
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Posted:Jan 10, 2007 2:37 pm
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2007 9:56 am
2803 Views
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The United Way realized that it had never received a from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six ."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three , one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them,......... what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
XO
Labio
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HE COULD NOT TELL A LIE!
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Posted:Jan 5, 2007 12:49 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2007 4:34 am
2812 Views
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An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her,
"Father, may I ask for a favour ?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked,"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,........................
but, which is, to date unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
XO
Labio
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Chet The Parrot
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Posted:Jan 4, 2007 3:34 am
Last Updated:Jan 10, 2007 3:25 pm
2998 Views
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A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.
Immediately Chet starts singing: 'Silent Night, Holy Night.'
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.
Chet now starts to sing: 'Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.'
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings 'Silent Night.' He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of 'Jingle Bells.'
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs........ and the bird begins to sing:
'Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!'
XO
Labio
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RESPECT!
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Posted:Jan 2, 2007 4:42 pm
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2007 3:04 am
3061 Views
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SIGN....
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss".
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said....
"Your wife called!
She wants her sign back!"
XO
Labio
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ARE YOU FINNISH?
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Posted:Dec 31, 2006 4:04 am
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2007 12:51 pm
2779 Views
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Guido the Italian Lover
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attention of a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No!"
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No!"
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian.”
XO
Labio
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IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!
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Posted:Dec 27, 2006 5:10 am
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2007 6:55 am
2859 Views
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OMG! Another day, and I'm another year older!!
I'll bet many people tell their computer it's their Birthday. (Do I capitalize "birthday"?)
Today is mine.
95!!
It's my birthday and I'm a nut-case.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LABIO!! Have a nice birthday if it is yours and remember: lemon juice is INTENSE!!!!!!!!
You rock people!
LIFE is GOOOOOOOOD!
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XO
Labio
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I'VE GOT THE AFTERNOON OFF!!!
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Posted:Dec 24, 2006 5:17 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2007 3:23 pm
3062 Views
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If you have ever attempted to organize a Christmas function at work, you will relate to these emails all too well...
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party
Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
XO
HO!HO!HO!
Labio
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10 Ways to Silly Up Your Christmas_No. 10
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Posted:Dec 24, 2006 5:10 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:50 am
2887 Views
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Looking for the perfect Christmas decorations?
Christmas is all about traditions!
Are you finding the familiar traditions to be a bit boring? I mean, does it always have to be the same? Same tree, same lights, same food....yawn!
I want to be able to have fun for the holidays, and to me, doing the same exact thing I did last year is not a lot of fun.
For those who agree with me and want to spice up what you have been doing for years for Christmas, I have found a collection of 10 Ways to Silly Up Your Christmas:
No 10. Forget the Real Live Tree Altogether, Think Christmas Tree Poster
Why, oh why, get a real tree when its creates a ton of work for yourself? You have to spend hours and hours setting up the tree and decorating it. And, then, only a few days later, your going to have spend more time taking the tree down. Avoid the hassle with a picture...a picture worth a thousand hours of free TV time.
The Merchant says "The heart-warming image of a family decorating a Christmas tree is a festive classic: stockings hanging above the fireplace as mom and dad arrange the tinsel; faces lighting up as twinkling lights are draped across branches; holiday tunes playing on the radio as cockney street urchins throw snowballs outside...hang on, we're confusing our eras here....The point is this cozy cliché is a load of movie malarkey. Put simply, Christmas trees are a freakin' nightmare. It's a miracle if the lights work, there are needles and smashed balls all over the floor and you can never quite reach the fairy (insert your own joke here). And that's after you've nearly broken your back carrying the thing home."
Well, I hope you like some of these ideas for turning your humdrum Christmas to something a bit more entertaining.
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL
Amused and Bemused
HO! HO! HO!
HO!
Labio
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The Twelve Days of Christmas
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Posted:Dec 23, 2006 4:44 pm
Last Updated:Dec 27, 2006 9:10 am
2966 Views
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The Twelve Days of Christmas
DAY ONE:
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
DAY TWO:
Dearest Bob,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two
turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
too adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
DAY THREE:
My Dear Bob,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling,
but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.
All my love,
Violet
DAY FOUR:
Dear Bob,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.
Love,
Violet
DAY FIVE:
Dear Bob,
What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell
you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
DAY SIX:
Bob,
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the
birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will
I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is
impossible to sleep through this racket.
Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
DAY SEVEN:
Bob,
What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven
swans-a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit
all over the house and they never stop with the racket.
Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very
unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
DAY EIGHT:
OK Pal ! !
WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.
JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.
DAY NINE:
LISTEN SHITHEAD ! !
YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT
YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING
THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE
POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.
UP YOURS ! ! !
DAY TEN:
YOU ROTTEN PRICK ! ! !
NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.
NOW THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT ! !
THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !
I MEAN IT. BY GOD !
DAY ELEVEN:
LISTEN FUCKHEAD ! ! ! !
NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."
THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.
THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.
FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE
TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!
MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN
DAY TWELVE:
LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our , Miss
Violet Monica Habershan.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the
Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight!
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
XO
HO!HO!HO!
Labio
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10 Ways to Silly Up Your Christmas_No. 9
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Posted:Dec 23, 2006 2:27 pm
Last Updated:Dec 27, 2006 9:11 am
2969 Views
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Looking for the perfect Christmas decorations?
Christmas is all about traditions!
Are you finding the familiar traditions to be a bit boring? I mean, does it always have to be the same? Same tree, same lights, same food....yawn!
I want to be able to have fun for the holidays, and to me, doing the same exact thing I did last year is not a lot of fun.
For those who agree with me and want to spice up what you have been doing for years for Christmas, I have found a collection of 10 Ways to Silly Up Your Christmas:
No 9. Forget Pretty Icicle Garland, Think Barbed Wire Tree Garland
Why decorate your tree and then have someone topple it. If you use this distinctive tree garland made from barbed wire, I am certain no one will accidentally touch the Christmas tree and knock it over.
The Merchant says "A black shoe string is realistically painted to appear like an old rusted barbed wire fence. For a touch of the Old West or just some real cowboy country charm, this 6' garland will make your tree the coolest rootin' tootin' tree your friends have ever seen! And because this garland is so versatile, the earthy tones also make it possible to be displayed as a crown of thorns when twisted into a circle for a truly unique spin that is sure to make a conversation piece on your tree."
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL
HO! HO! HO!
HO!
Labio
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SANTA CLAUS IS DEAD!
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Posted:Dec 22, 2006 4:57 pm
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2006 4:05 pm
3172 Views
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IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
I am forced to postulate the following:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion (persons under 18 ) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist , that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good , Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.
Per second.
Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
My Condolences
Labio
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10 Ways to Silly Up Your Christmas_No.8
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Posted:Dec 22, 2006 4:39 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2006 2:22 pm
2627 Views
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Looking for the perfect Christmas decorations?
Christmas is all about traditions!
Are you finding the familiar traditions to be a bit boring? I mean, does it always have to be the same? Same tree, same lights, same food....yawn!
I want to be able to have fun for the holidays, and to me, doing the same exact thing I did last year is not a lot of fun.
For those who agree with me and want to spice up what you have been doing for years for Christmas, I have found a collection of 10 Ways to Silly Up Your Christmas:
No 8. Forget Coal in the Stockings, Think Poop for the Stockings
Why give coal to those who have been bad? Make your gift giving a bit more interesting by giving them sh*t... Snowman Sh*t.
The Merchant says "Snowman Poop Soap - The words on the bag say: You've been naughty so here's the scoop. All you get for Christmas is Snowman POOP! Lovely coconut fragrance.
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL
HO! HO! HO!
HO!
Labio
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To link to this blog (LabioBent) use [blog LabioBent] in your messages.
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!! For without encouragement, I may cease to be!!!!!
