Sense of humour loss
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Posted:Oct 14, 2008 2:25 am
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2009 3:01 am
1571 Views
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I am here writing as JJ because my creator has had his whole world crumble down around his ears and doesn't know what to do with himself. I thought I would at least come and see what JJ was up to, but of course without me he is up to nothing.
These words are simply the radnom motions of my fingers over the keyboard in response to the numb meanderings of my mind. I am lost. My sense of humour is lost. I feel sick. I think maybe I ate too much shortbread.
I see one or two loyal readers are still watching this blog. I can't think why, but I am grateful to them. I don't imagine I will be back to write anything more any time soon. But I suppose you never know.
Thank you to those still reading for the fun we had, and to someone who is no longer reading, who was the main inspiration for these silly posts, don't forget I loved you.
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Elementria
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Posted:May 31, 2008 2:49 am
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2008 9:39 am
1863 Views
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I am on sabbatical.
Renovations have been completed on the habitable part of the west wing of Jently Hall and the Jentlys are moving back in. My London flat is now in the hands of my letting agents, Biggs Keeming Weasel, and I will be joining the family for an extended break in deepest Wilshire.
My father’s sister, Aunt Honor has kindly brought in a plate of strawberry cream scones, and I am reminded of the time I was involved in the mysterious Russian sex-dolls case.
The world famous private detective Elementria Mydia-Watson was helping the agency investigate a series of suspicious libido losses in Monte Carlo. I was sent undercover as a British playboy to hang around the roulette wheels at the L’Eauvert casino, where intelligence had reported strange losses of sex drive occurring every night as couples paired up for the customary sex on the beach after the tables closed at 1 A.M.
I dined alone in the elegant casino restaurant, famous for its snails and wild asparagus, before heading for the tables. Elementria was there somewhere I knew, but even I could not penetrate her expert disguise.
My luck was in as I placed my chips on red twenty five. The croupier gave me a plate for them which was preferable; the vinegar was soaking into the green baize and the other guests were complaining. I replaced the fries with a circular piece of plastic denoting five hundred francs, as the wheel spun.
“Vignt-cinq” the croupier intoned. “C’et a vous, monsieur Sebranler.”
I had won eighteen thousand francs!
I was immediately aware of a pair of dark, beautiful eyes staring at me from across the table. I raised one eyebrow, my left, and she rose elegantly, her slivery silk dress shimmered on her sharply jutting breasts and clinging to her long slender legs. She drifted around the table like a wisp of smoke, arriving at my side as if in one continuous movement.
“My name is Vulva De Liveray,” she whispered into my ear. “Meet me on the beach in thirty minutes.”
I ate the rest of my chips and cashed in my plastic counters at the bar, ordering a drink at the same time.
“A pint of bitter, in a mug with a handle, pumped from the wood, not keg,” I told the barman, as if he wouldn’t be aware of my usual preference. He pulled my pint with the expertise of a buxom west country barmaid. In fact he looked suspiciously buxom himself but I put that down to an excess of rich French food.
I don’t know where I’m heading with this so bear with me while I eat some shortbread and I’ll get back to you.
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At the request of our Florida office
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Posted:Apr 26, 2008 3:23 pm
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2010 2:14 am
1817 Views
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I have been asked to post this by Agent Z. If you would like to play, type your name in my blog comments.
Once you do that, this is what I'll do for you...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. (if possible. if not, I'll say something that only makes sense to me.)
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
But if you play you MUST re-post this on your own blog - no exceptions.
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A Pleasure Dome
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Posted:Apr 23, 2008 3:18 am
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2010 2:14 am
1706 Views
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Firstly I must apologize that is has been so long since my last entry. (Not that kind of entry - that is someone elses problem, lol. )
But I have been very busy and can now report that the first round of the campaign to save Jently hall has been a great success. The lesbian circle held the bulldozers at bay for a full five hours while I conducted frantic negotiations with the West Amesbury Neighbourhood Council, (WANC). I don’t know what the bulldozer drivers were doing during that time.
At last, agreement was reached whereby grants will be issued for the re development of Jently Hall provided it is "brought into beneficial use" for the local community. I have yet to approach the council with the full details of my ideas but I can tell you that my plan is to convert the mansion and grounds into a themed Sex Palace, which in my view would be highly beneficial since the local community seems to be represented by a bunch of sexually repressed old celibatists. (Apart from the four hundred lesbians and the elusive Hengemen of course. )
“At Jently Hall did Jierks Jently a Pleasure Dome decree!”
Since the relaxation of the licensing laws in 2003, once I have obtained a licence for alcoholic beverages and live entertainment, there can be no restriction on that entertainment having a sex based theme. Just like a lap-dancing club in East Hackney which was on the BBC news last night.
The Lesbian Circle, as my brave volunteers have renamed their group, have expressed an interest in taking part in the scheme, perhaps providing a backdrop for more unusual events such as Riding the Narwhal’s Horn and the qualifying rounds of the National Masturbation Tournament.
I have already secured backing from Hugh Jorgan and the Agency who plan to build in a secret wing which will house the new agency headquarters. I am honoured that my once derelict ancestral home is to be brought into the front line of the global sex campaign in this way. (Oh bugger, wait a minute, it won’t be secret now will it? Well please don’t tell anyone okay otherwise Jorgan will probably fire me. )
Of course none of this has helped the long running saga of what to do about building a bypass round the ancient monument. After twenty years of dithering the transport authorities have lost another opportunity to decide whether it is to be a tunnel or a by pass, and so they have decided to do nothing again for now. Ooops, a little bit of reality creeping into this post there for a moment.
But long live Jently Hall. Building work starts on Tuesday, and we are having a special “topping out” ceremony once the roof has been repaired. This will take a form similar to breaking a bottle on a ship’s prow, but.....more appropriate to the future use of the building..... if you know what I am saying. Plus it will test whether we have fixed those leaks. Work can then start on building a tank for the narwhal.
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The Future of Sex Tourism
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Posted:Apr 2, 2008 11:20 am
Last Updated:Aug 4, 2011 3:57 pm
1940 Views
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I owe the inspiration for this post to [post 1344004] from the secret journal of Mrs Jones.
She asks what experiences people may have had of having sex in moving vehicles, and which vehicles are best.
I believe the most erotic vehicular sex experience is considered to be bob-sleigh sex. I myself have lain naked on my back in the bottom of a rocking, bouncing sledge as it thundered down the hill-side at combe gibbet, my then girlfriend Pendula Sawbs riding triumphant, impaled on my rigid manhood, and steering with her tits.
It is a well known fact that the suceessful British sledging team in the last winter olympics was, in more ways than one, a four man bob.
Some years ago I was advised by a close friend that it was possible to fold down the rear facing seats in an old style London taxi and have sex under them without the driver noticing. He said it was wise for the participants to have a couple of stiff cocktails beforehand as they were "intaxicopulating."
Another extrememly close friend is OBSESSED by the time he and some woman he will only ever refer to by the name of an animal (She must have been one I think ) tried kissing whilst standing against the partition in a fast moving London Underground train. Apparently the sensation as the train accelerates is highly erotic. He rather naievely thinks that one day this will magically happen to him again but as he no longer ever travels on the underground it isn't likely. Me, I would pick up some nubile chick and say "fancy a snog in the tube love?" or words to that effect, but he is too pure minded for that. Most of the time.
Other well known locations are in an aeroplane - apart from the obvious excitement of the illicit nature of the enterprise, I gather that there is scientific evidence to suggest that the low pressure increases blood flow and swells the capilleries making for a more intense experience.
On the other hand it is also well established that sex in submarines can be an explosive affair, ejaculations frequently bursting condoms because of the increased pressure. Getting a Jules Verne torpedo I believe it is called.
One of my motivations in becoming a sex agent was reading at a young age of the joys of sex on a swing, but I have also heard that it can be exceptional when performed on a roller coaster. Unfortunately the only time I ever attempted that, the delirious howls of my then partner, Julia Wrested, as we thundered into the tunnel of death, brought our activities to the attention of the operator, and the ensuing night in the police cells dampened the moment somewhat.
I like the idea of doing in a dodgems car, but I can't work out the logistics for that either.
All these thoughts of sex in recreational situations calls to mind a recent trip to New Zealand. In the valley of the the beautiful lake Wakitipu, Queenstown is the self styled outdoor adventure capital of the world. I am thinking of emigrating to set up the world's first sex adventure centre. Queenstown is famous for white water rafting, jet boating and of course bungee jumping; I can see it now; quite possibly the ultimate in the sex-tourism experience.
The erotic couple are bound together with elastic tape, in a coital position. High above the rushing waters of the Kawarau river, where the historic Pipeline bridge crosses Skippers canyon they lie in a specially open bed, coupling, with their feet bound together by the bungee rope. As orgasm approaches the guide flings them off the bridge and they hurtle towrds the ground, driven to entrancing ecstasy by the simulated approach of instant death. New orgasms are triggered by the bounce at the end of the bungee only metres above the rocks.
You can also get a ride in the Bungee Rocket, in which you are strapped into a chair together and then catapulted into the air at 100 miles an hour before bouncing around in a spiders web of elastic bungee chords as you cum.
I could make my fortune!
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Group Sex Stops Demolition?
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Posted:Apr 1, 2008 3:31 am
Last Updated:Apr 4, 2008 3:34 am
1881 Views
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Crisis!
Just when I thought the shortbread famine was over, the shelves are once again as bare as a porn star's pussy, and here I am famished again.
Up to my eyeballs in the world's greatest problems, and nothing to keep my "spirits" up. On saturday I was reduced to trying a piece of Starbuck's substitute shortbread, served on a heated plate no less! NO, STARBUCKS. Melted chocolate everywhere and it tasted like a camel's hump.
I am beginning to wonder if perhaps it is my own fault? Have I eaten Tesco's warehouse out of supplies? But no - it comes from the in store bakery - they should simply be able to bake me more! They must be operating some kind of misguided plan to give us some enforced variety. Do they not realize the fate of the world is in their floury hands?
Is anyone reading this drivel? You see what I am recuced to. I have become obsessed. Without the shortbread no other thoughts come to me. Except possibly "why doesn't a gust of wind suddenly blow from the left in the picture of agent Z in that silky pink dress?"
Or "has agent F really got big feet or is it just an optical illusion?"
Anyway, Dark Forces are at work in Wiltshire: Jently Hall, the ancestral seat of the Jentlys since 1237 may be subject to compulsory purchase by transport authorities building the new Stonehenge bypass. I believe a celibatist plot could be behind the whole scheme. (The hall has had a reputation locally for years as a den of depraved sexual excess. Posibly I may have been seen in the moonlight, cavorting about the grounds in my satyr suit, practising the mermaid sex routine with Amelia Cox. ) If the plans go ahead the hall is due to be demolished next year. The proposed compensation is derisory, although I admit the hall is in need of substantial repair, not having been actually lived in since 1765, and the Jentlys are to be rehoused on a nearby estate.
But help is at hand. I have enlisted the help of secretive Henge people. Not the publicity seeking "druids" who have seduced the authorities with their show of pseudo religious veneration of the site, but the true Hengemen, who know and still use, the true power and purpose of the stones. They move unseen through polite Amesbury society, (if there is such a thing ) and are in tune with the rythms and vibrations of the great erotic monument.
I plan to arrange for four hundred naked wenches to have prolonged lesbian sex in a continuous daisy chain around the property when the time comes, in order to fend off the buldozers. If necessary the construction workers may be invited to join the chain.
Long live Jently Hall!
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Erotic Nightmare
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Posted:Mar 13, 2008 2:57 pm
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2008 2:52 am
1879 Views
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Tesco's Chocolate Chunk shortbread is back and I love it!!!!!
It makes me feel so horny.
I went straight out last night and bought six packets, then polished them all off when I got home. I felt disturbingly aroused all evening and when I went to bed I tossed and turned the whole night through as erotic images flashed before my unconscious eyes.
My bed was filled with sexually insatiable nymphotic women, writhing in the throes of perpetual orgasm. Men with vast penises penetrated their every orifices, buttocks rippling with muscular power as they pounded into their pussies and pummelled their breats with grasping fingers.
Howls of delight rent the air as the women gouged at each other's nipples and sucked madly on their sisters' full, sensuous lips, gripping men between their thighs and riding them as their bodies pulsed and throbbed through an immense communual climax.
One breathtakingly succulent siren sucked every huge cock in turn, drenching herself in their juices from head to foot. Bathed in cum she slithered over the other women, sliding her body against their slippery skins as more men ejaculated massive quantities of sperm from pulsating pricks whose veins stood out like fire hoses at an inferno. Gouts of come slashed endlessly across the room while pussies gushed love juices every few seconds. It was an erotic nightmare.
By morning the effect had worn off. But I still had to change the sheets.
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Binge Drinking is affecting the Quality of British sex
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Posted:Mar 4, 2008 1:34 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2010 2:20 am
1806 Views
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But perhaps not the quantity!
Driving home through town from a mission the other night I saw first hand the legless skents and slashers outside the nightclub. The wind was whipping across the paving stones in freezing temperatures as they staggered blindly about in their tiny skirts and low cut tops. Actually they looked awful but strangely sexy. But I couldn't help wondering what their excesses might have done to their ability to perform.
So with apologies to Amy Winehouse, here's some twisted lyrics:
I'm no good
Ouside the pub in the pouring rain
Your tits look great but you've got no brain
Undo my belt, hand me your kebab
But you can't find my cock 'cos there's too much flab.
Breezer and shots put a glaze on your eyes
Stella and Chips put a foot on my thighs
Upstairs in bed with my new girl
I'm giving it large but your toes won't curl
Going down with my sugar licker
Look in your eyes but not a flicker....
We ruined our health
Like I knew we could -
I told you booze was trouble
Now you know I can't get wood
*Horns fade to play out, Blaaaahh, Ba ba blaahh, etc.
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Blog-Job Challenge
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Posted:Feb 26, 2008 10:19 am
Last Updated:Mar 10, 2008 6:15 pm
2129 Views
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I am researching the evolution of the cyber suck-off, which has become known as the blog-job. I have read several on the blogs recently so I would like to challenge my sexy readers to a fun contest.
I know how you all love to gorge yourselves on the great pink trouser-snake. So I am challenging you to describe giving your best blow job to your chosen man, how it makes you feel inside and what you do to make it memorable, why you love it so etc. (If there are any non-gay guys reading you can describe the female equivalent. )
You can either write it here, or on your own blog with a link here so that the rest of us can go and read it there. Then I will award the winner the accolade of "Sex Agency Blog-Job Queen of the Year," (see it works for the guys too! )
By all means conduct real-time research before writing if necessary, and good licking.
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7
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Sugar Rush
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Posted:Feb 22, 2008 2:11 am
Last Updated:May 15, 2008 8:35 am
1837 Views
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It's been a nightmare. Tesco's no longer seem to make chocolate chunk shortbread!
I know!!!
I have tried scottish shortbread fingers, ( good, ) and even reverted back to fox classic chocolate biscuit bars (lovely, )but it's not the same. I can't concentrate, my sex-drive is at an all time low, ( down to thirty-six times a week now, ) and I feel restless and edgy. Maybe that's the sugar withdrawal symptoms. But no wait; it can't be, not with all those chocolate biscuit bars inside me, (you can tell I'm making this up as I go along can't you, what was it, the sugar error or the thirty-six times a week? ) plus yesterday I ate a whole packet of eight, (two extra for the price of six ) Mr Kipling viennese whirls, yummy. (That's actually true, lol. ) But it just isn't the same. Oh shit I said it's not the same already didn't I? Yes there is is up there thirteen lines back, unlucky for some. Actually now it's fourteen, I did a bit of editing and the post got longer but nobody's counting. Oh and of course by the time you read this it will be up in full blog-page format and then it will be only seven lines, maybe even less if you have clicked to leave a comment, but as I said no one is counting. (Or are they? Lol. )
So anyway I think I am going to go out and have a serious word with the manager of the in store bakery. The sexual health of the world is at stake here.
Plus there is a very sexy red-head on the checkouts on Fridays and I like to go up there and see if I can get a smile out of her.
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Jierks on Valentines Day
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Posted:Feb 14, 2008 4:06 am
Last Updated:Feb 27, 2008 4:02 pm
1867 Views
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The busiest day of the year for the agency.
We will be out, working under cover at restaurants, bars and balls, making sure evil celibatists don't spoil your romantic evenings and seduction plans. Don't let your guard drop for a second if you have plans for a hot session tonight, they will be out there looking to find a way to spoil it for you.
The waiter who accidentally spills the wine in your date's lap. The bouncer who won't let you into the club, the hole in your pocket which was never there before but through which the theatre tickets mysteriously disappear. The "friend" who finds a subtle way to make you mistrust your lover. We will be doing our best to protect you, and help you to consumate your evening with a bang.
But spare a thought for us. Who will love us tonight, undercover as we are? Who will we be going home to after checking the cinema air vents for anti-sex hormone sprays and making sure those two who have been staring at each other all night "accidentally" meet at the taxi rank on the way home?
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Jierks on Gorgeous People
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Posted:Feb 5, 2008 3:12 am
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2010 2:21 am
1790 Views
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Gorgeous people have been reading my profile.
Really completely gorgeous people.
What should I do? Is it fair for a fictional character to encourage interest from beautiful women? (Obviously I would be happy to encourage interest from really ugly women - that would be just like work - but unfortunately in this case it doesn't apply. )
Would I feel comfortable flirting with people in real life as opposed to in a missionary situation? What if I were to get involved? Would she feed me shortbread?
I am perplexed, but happy. I hope they come again.
P.S. Be careful.....there are statements in my profile which aren't true!
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Emergency Rations
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Posted:Jan 30, 2008 10:01 am
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2008 2:49 am
1816 Views
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Hello sexy people!
Jierks here, just checking in mid - mission, to let you how things are going here at Jently Mansions.
I am supposed to be watching Michael Estorol, the notorious killer, but I got so hungry I just had to rush out to get some coffee and walnut layer cake and a piece of chocolate biscuit cake. Now I feel better. In fact I feel very sexy now, perhaps it was all that sugar. I am hoping for a date later with the beautiful Anna Wreczia, our Polish number one, we will ravage each other mercilessly, that will make me hungry too. I fear it is a vicious circle of sex and biscuits.
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To link to this blog (Jierks_Jently) use [blog Jierks_Jently] in your messages.
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