Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > MichelleS1968 > Michelle's Fun House |
Endings and sadness...
|
Endings and sadness... It's hard to believe how fast time has gone by since Nov 5th of 2015 when I started transition for a second time. I remember so vividly the sessions over the course of a few months with my therapist leading up to starting transition. I was so convinced that life was going to finally be what I had dreamed of. That the liberation of myself would set free all the years that I had hated myself for quitting the first time. I believed that I could over come some of my trauma by forcing myself from being a straight woman into being a lesbian. In doing so I wouldn't ever have to confront the trauma of being violated sexually. When I began the search for an endocrinologist that should have been my first warning sign that committing to transition in Utah was a horribly bad idea. The only person that I could find who would treat me was a Dr. Mara Rabin. She really doesn't care for transgender people. Her passion lies in helping immigrants. I would eventually be told by other doctors that she should be barred from treating transgender patients. She placed me on an HRT regimen and also felt that she could manage the required mood stabilizers. For ten months I was on a set of medications which shouldn't have been prescribed for the duration I took them, much less being prescribed together. I had 3 inpatient stays in a neuo-psych unit, one lasting 5 days, because of depression. I had placed to her office over a ten month period 30 calls which went unanswered. When I would see her I was also told to talk more with my therapist or just eat better/more sleep/work out. Never once did she consider that the medications were exacerbating very complex mental health issues and trauma which had been surfacing while in therapy. During this same time period friendships became extremely strained. People didn't know how to help me. I couldn't help myself. As this is unfolding in my life, I am realizing that behaviors I've had since I was a are directly the result of trauma. And as people tried harder these behaviors would cause more conflict in my relationships. When , teens, and even adults are traumatized over a period of time they learn to associate love with pain or love with hate. Love no longer means love. They desperately want to be loved and when someone will love them, the closer that someone gets there is an automatic response by the brain which is literally uncontrollable to push away those who love them. There is an intense fear which arises that eventually you will be hurt and you should engage in flight. You will flee by any means necessary. For me it was always to attack myself. By attacking myself I could show them how bad I am and not worth loving. Eventually 'friends' would go tried and completely cut me out of their lives. In Oct of last year the medication mis-management and my efforts to bury trauma came to a head during a visit by a friend. We had had an amazing 5 days together. She showed me that I could be loved no matter how I looked. That I was incredibly special to another human being. That I was truly worth loving. The trauma of my being sexually violated and the audible hallucinations (I've had these since I was a ) caused a breakdown. This would be the start of the end of this friendship and many others. I would also find out how dangerous the meds I was taking are and how they were impacting my life. My friend left and went back home on a Wednesday. Amazingly the next day after calling a new endocrinologist she was able to see me right away. But not before the following Sunday just 4 days later where I'd have another breakdown that required hospitalization. Friends, including the one who came to visit, stopped talking to me or blocked me. That week I would see a Dr. Rixt Luikenaar, who would change my entire medication regimen. She was very angry at Dr. Rabin's mis-management. It takes time for one med to the leave the body and a new med to work. During this period I would have 2 more breakdowns, where the friend who visited me would finally give up and block me from her life. It was beyond devastating. As I have mentioned about behaviors- there is a vicious cycle which happens. You push people away, when they give up you feel absolutely horrible because you can't stop it, and that pushes the feelings from the past up of being unloved and feeling unlovable. It's beyond frustrating to know you do this and be unable to physically and mentally stop yourself. Ingrained behaviors born from trauma are the hardest to break. One reason is you cannot just think or talk to a therapist for an hour and suddenly be cured. It takes practice to change something, right? You don't want to practice on real people pushing them away and trying to stop yourself. There would be yet another serious breakdown which required police intervention. I had what's called a disassociation. I literally lost a full day of my life. I had a psychotic breakdown. This would drive away a lot of other people who had tried so hard to help. This would cause the former friend who visited me, she was involved, to develop hatred for me. But the meds starting to balance out and by Thanksgiving of 2016 I was starting to feel better. A new friend had invited me to her families house for Thanksgiving Day. It really was the best Thanksgiving I've had in decades. They were all so amazing kind and just accepted me for me without judgment. I had that twinkling of self-love that I had wanted so desperately. That week my new doctor decided that in order to help control my eating addiction phentermine would be a good addition to the drugs which I was already taking. This would lead to my nearly committing suicide. It turns out that phentermine is extremely dangerous with the mood stabilizer I was on and also dangerous with one of the testosterone meds I was taking. When these meds became unbalanced it caused the loxaprine that I take to manage the audibe hallucinations. This would lead to a very bad December. More friends would block me from their lives. More depression. More self-hatred. More believing that there is absolutely no way possible for my being able to get over my past and be happy. When I confronted my doctor about the meds and the horribly bad impacts they had had on me she was very sorry. When I confronted the pharmacy their attitude was that it wasn't their responsibility to tell me, it was mine to figure out if I should take combos of drugs. Utah is such a great place. My doctor and therapist agreed that there was something that I could do for myself which would benefit me physically in transition but more importantly the mental benefits would really help me gain control of my life. They had suggested that I have an orchiectomy. Removing my balls meant no more testosterone and fewer drugs! Yay! A huge step forward for myself in my transitional process. Leading up to and through the surgery I was beyond happy. I felt the exquisite beauty of self-love and self-worth. But it still takes time for drugs which have been mis-managed to leave your body and new drugs to take hold. This procedure doesn't erase the trauma. I had been placed on some very strong painkillers and two days after surgery I had a delusion that a former friend had filed a restraining order against me and had a cop call me to tell me to leave her alone. Delusions aren't uncommon, even for people who've never had psych issues, on very strong painkillers and coming off of surgery. The hope is you have people around you which can help control them. I had only myself. My former friend's sister-in-law had remained friends and I had told her of my delusion while in the middle of it. This caused more anger and hatred and loss of friendships. Of course I would have complications with my surgery because that's just my luck; a severe infection with a grape blood pool building up at the base of the tube which was removed. I just haven't taken it well. The voices rage against me, the depression has set in, the pushing away of people who've tried very hard to be there, the suicidal ideologies, the desire to punish myself, the cutting of my body, the lack of hygiene, I just cannot gain control. What's weird is that there are times when I'm aware of what's going on but I don't know how to pull myself out of it. So in a fit of desperation I have decided to just quit everything. I closed all my social media accounts today except this one. I said goodbye to people who might care that I'm suddenly gone. I am now saying goodbye to Michelle. I just don't know what to do or how to do it. I feel like I have been fighting for 48 years and I am still losing this battle. I don't have anymore strength left. I don't see any value in keeping up the fight. I am not like you dear reader who can just be happy or just forget about stuff or just get over it, god if I were I would have done that 23 years ago. I am not like you were I can just keep getting up and fighting. If you're that person great, I've been getting up for 48 years and now I am tired. I'm not sure what will happen now that I am stopping transition. My body no longer produces testosterone. My body doesn't naturally produce estrogen. I never really experienced changed list most transgender women on estrogen so I have no body curves and no boobs at all, even after 14 months on estrogen, just decent skin and that'll change back. I don't know if I can even 'be' a man again, I don't know how to do that. It seems so strange and foreign to me. As I look back over the last 14 months, all the mistakes, all the hurt and pain, all those who just couldn't stay in my life any longer, I am so very grateful there are people whom I've been able to help support and change their lives. A mother and father who finally understood their transgender because of my story and knowing me on social media. A man I bought home to help in 2015 who was homeless and gave him food, some clothes, washed his clothes and gave him some money. I ran into home several months later and he had gotten a job and was doing well. A number of women who had been victims of sexual violations and couldn't talk about their being sexually assaulted but after seeing and hearing my willingness to open up gave them the courage to being facing theirs. A man who had been abused sexually as a and had never spoken of it, through my story of being adopted by a pedophile and my willingness to fight back against that fucker, he found strength to open up and face his past. There are others who've found strength and courage through my story and for that I will always be grateful that I could do some good in the world, especially during a year where it felt that I was truly an evil person for hurting friends and pushing them away. In closing, please don't feel sorry for me or pity me. I don't have any regrets starting transition. I'm glad I did it. I am sad that I feel trapped, alone, and unable to figure out what to do. But life is never easy and for some of us it is unfairly hard. I wish each of you all the very best in life and if I hurt you along the way or let you down, I truly am very sorry and I hope that one day you will forgive me and let the hatred for me which resides in your heart be replaced by the memories of love that we shared. Your Forever Friend, Michelle |
|||
|
Thanks for sharing Michelle. I always feel that when initially starting hormones, a low dosage of estrogen should be the only thing given so that the body can adjust slowly to the changes. So many go for the complete triple combo of estrogen, progesterone, and antiandrogens (sometimes including an orchi) because they want the femininity they desire to arrive faster. Any consequences are never considered. I did not start until I was 52 but even then I stopped a few times for some self reflection. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. Take care and be safe. Ciao. Gina
| ||
|
Stay strong, best of luck in your journey.
|
Become a member to create a blog
