Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > yakimavalleyguy > My Blog |
A tale of sexual abandonment and infidelity -Chapter 1
|
A tale of sexual abandonment and infidelity -Chapter 1 Chapter 1: The revelation. “I never think about sex anymore. It’s nothing personal, it’s just biological.” I was stunned. My wife of 28 was standing in front of me and explaining, very simply, why she was no longer an active participant in our sex life. She was describing how the onset of menopause had diminished her interest in sex to the point where she no longer thought about sexual intimacy as part of her life. There was no traumatic injury or debilitating illness that had destroyed her libido. Just age. My initial reaction on hearing this come out of the lips of my wife was that I wanted a divorce. But I held my tongue and decided to try to understand the meaning of what she had just said. And over the next few months I spend countless hours dissecting what she said and put it into the context of what had been transpiring over the course of our relationship. What it boiled down to was that, from a philosophical standpoint, she was telling me that she had assigned all her interest in sexual intimacy, and desire in maintaining and promoting our sexual relationship, to her level of hormones. The woman who promised and demonstrated to me before marriage that she would be taking an active, assertive, and innovative role in our sexual relationship was now telling me that she had divorced her interest in sex from our marriage, that it was permanent, it was irreversible, and I was irrelevant. At least I was irrelevant in inspiring her sexually. We had been having sex alright. But for the past few it was only when I approached her, and it was, by her actions, necessarily brief and followed a standard routine. In other words, passionless and unfulfilling. I named this scenario ‘the sound of one hand clapping,’ because if I didn’t approach her for sexual intimacy there was none. There was no effort on her part to entice or engage me. The more I understood it, the more I became depressed. I came to realize that there was no hope that there would be a turnaround in her attitude. She was more married to her<b> philosophy </font></b>regarding her interest in sex and maintaining a sexual relationship than she was to me. And the only reason she was agreeing to have sex with me was to perform her ‘wifely duty’ when I requested it. The full impact of this took months for me to unpack and accept. As this unfolded I had mixed feelings. I was profoundly disappointed that she would revert to the same<b> philosophy </font></b>that she had before we started going together (when she was at the peak of her hormones and all she thought about was sex). I was incredibly mad at myself for being so naïve that didn’t even contemplate that change, and for was beating myself up trying to figure what I was doing wrong. But I was relieved to know that I couldn’t do a thing about improving the situation. And I was hurt to think that I was placed on the same level as the short-term relationships she had and didn’t care about when she was single. I realized that my objective to revive and enjoy a passionate relationship with my wife and lover was not to be. And that left me with three options, none of which I liked. The first option was ‘status quo.’ Continue the kind of relationship that I found unsatisfactory and would continue to decline, with me becoming increasingly unhappy. I could see where this was a one-way street to bitterness and estrangement. But it would mean I would be complying with all the sexual conditions and limitations of marriage. Option number two was separation or divorce. This would free me to pursue more sexually fulfilling relationships, but it would mean abandoning the woman with which I shared so much and I loved dearly. It would also mean going against my belief in marriage being the most important of long-term commitments. The third option was sexual infidelity. There are marriages where outside sexual partners are permitted, and even encouraged, as part of a couple’s lifestyle. This was not one of them. We understood that our marriage would be a monogamous relationship. This was a belief that I strongly held, and I never came close to violating that understanding. But now I found myself considering that option because my wife basically told me that she had divorced herself from that part of our marriage. That change marked the elimination of one of the cornerstones of our marriage, and what was a keystone for her in the beginning. So, it was go with the status quo and experience a gradual decline in our relationship until I eventually lost her, through divorce or just me going crazy. Just go straight to a divorce and lose her anyway. Or try to maintain the remaining parts of our marriage and still preserve my sanity through occasional sexual encounters outside of our relationship. I decided to explore the third option. NEXT: Chapter 2 - The process |
Become a member to create a blog
