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| Blogs > LustyTaurus > A CrAZy CaNUcK... |
OUT OF THE SHADOWS....
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OUT OF THE SHADOWS.... WALKING IN TH SHADOWS was a glimpse into what I went through as a and how it affected life later on. If you have not seen it, please read it as this is part two of that post. I had a breaking point about 11 years ago where I had attempted to leave this world permanently explained here HAPPY ANNIVERSARY. through that process of crashing and burning, I was forced to deal with the demons of the past, including being abused. The first demon was just understanding the effects of all the secrets that existed, and the things we do to cope with shame. It was at that point this Taurus Bull entered the china shop. My first conversation was with my sister, and a simple question (after a little explanation) of what I remembered "Do you remember when 'Howie' was fuckin around with us?" She said "Yes, and do you remember Dad doing the same things?" This was the first hint I had that he was involved and anything less than a man doing his best to get along in this world. I suddenly realized that besides being ineffective when I sought help, he was an active contributor to the abuse in my home. After everything else that had transpired in the few months prior I went ballistic...which started as about a five day bender of drugs, booze and sex. Everything I could drink, smoke, swallow or fuck was fair game. I felt COMPLETELY responsible for the things that had happened not only to me but to my sister. She was very overweight and extremely introverted which I suddenly understood. She is the one who came to see me and helped end the insanity of purposeful self-destruction that started five days earlier. She said "Look, I'm not pretty or confident or particularly happy...but I'm alive, and I need you to be too" I was astounded, and at that point the pity party was over. I decided the first step was to corner dear ol' Dad and get some answers. My sister of course was terrified...but it had to be done. To make a long story short he admitted everything along with bringing to light his own suicide attempt when I was ~15 and my sister was ~13. His last comment was "I didn't become a father to hurt my , I'm sorry doesn't cut it, I don't know what to say except it's over" and it had been for him since my sister was 11, but the damage was done. I also learned at that time he had gone to great lengths to get help years earlier (confirmed third party)...but the secret remained. Over time, we chose not to press charges against him and instead we all started healing together. Today, we enjoy a relatively normal, healthy happy and safe extended family environment after much pain and anguish....but it was worth it. "Howie" the babysitter is another story that ended with no charges but he did get the beating of his life(several times) after expressing absolutely no remorse or liability in what went on. With our court systems and my limited brain at the time...fear, intimidation and physical pain seemed to be the best option to deal with 'Howie'. He walked with a limp still when I last saw him about ten years ago. I'm not proud of dealing with him that way but I'm not sorry either. As before, I only post this in the hopes that it will help someone and my e-mail inbox is always open here. Thanks for listening. lustytaurusLUSTYTAURUS  |
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I'm sure these posts will help somebody and I'm glad you're leaving them. They are hard to read and hurt my heart very much - even more so because I really like you and hate to think of you being hurt that way. Kisses - Whisper...
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I can not pretend to undrestand what you've had to deal with. I admire your courage to move on and try to help others.
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5/10/2006 9:11 am |
Again, thank you for sharing. It's wonderful to see that you've moved past this into a better place
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5/10/2006 10:24 am |
I am glad to see you have a little light at the end of it all. My brother blamed me. I moved out of the house and got married at 16, And I tried to take him with, MOM wouldn't let him go. So he took my place being abused. And he went off one day when we were in our 20s and beat the hell out of me, telling me it was my fault. I have not seen him since.
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5/10/2006 10:44 am |
The only way I have been able to get over my abuse is to forgive..because the shame and the anger and helplessness I have felt have crippled me in the past
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thank you for sharing your story... i did some group therapy many years ago and the groups were 18-20 m/f... i would guess 50% were victims of sexual abuse... a lot of women outed their past abuse history in there.. but it took so much more effort it seemed for men to admit to being abused.. fear of being seen as weak, or "queer".. the unfair and deep shame they would live with for many years.. it was heart breaking to hear them tell their stories.. but my god, i swear when one of them let it out they walked taller and lighter ever after.. the sky did not fall... but a lot of tears would! and support was overwhelming for these men.. i guess the point i am trying to make here is that men seem to have a much harder time feeling safe enough to take the "secret" out in the light of day and expose it to ANYONE.. offering a safe haven for someone to talk is very good of you.. and i hope that any man reading your story can feel comfortable enough to talk to you, even if not enough to seek help, but enough to know they aren't alone, it is a good first step.. and fellas, anyone that would put you down is someone with their own demons that they aren't dealing with.. good luck!!! kisses sweetie!! thank you again for sharing! Virtue Alone Ennobles
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5/10/2006 12:12 pm |
yep lusty..the only way forward is to forgive...but that doesn't make it go away .....and you are really great for posting this...as a society we need to start talking about how things were and are for a lot of people...silence seems to make it easier to get away with..
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its helping hun everyone,your doing a great job ,thankyou for being brave enough to post all the story , I'm a   and i'm here to stay
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Lusty, still my heart goes out to YOU! The pain and hurt will always be there, but after time, it seems to fade alittle to where we can go ON! Writing about it and talking seems to ease pain too. Remember I have been there, in some way. and Its hurts me to read, that someone else has been a victim of an abuse, that was not there Fault! *HUGS* to you and your sister!
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Lusty{=} You know my thoughts are with you...I am awed by the courage you have shown by sharing your story with us. I'm am a survivor too...but have not had the courage to share...Thank you...my heart goes out to you and your lost innocents/childhood Hugs...OhSo{=}
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5/10/2006 3:03 pm |
Nothin' but admiration and respect for you, Lusty.....support and good tidings are all around. "Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."---Anon
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Sounds like you did a good enough job and I won't have to beat Howie's ass afterall. Thank you for your continued bravery Mac
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5/10/2006 5:27 pm |
hey LT thanks for sharing your very personal story with us here and I do hope it does help someone who is struggling with those demons of their past roaming the cyber streets of blogland  
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5/10/2006 7:51 pm |
...dude  ok, listen, i got a party goin' on...you should come! [post 342191] King Nor XVIII  
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5/10/2006 9:14 pm |
Wow...I am so sorry you went through that...it took courage to make the posts...and a part of healing is to forgive/love yourself first...and I have found sharing what happened with others helps to heal...tight hugs C~
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5/11/2006 1:56 am |
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No, I best not go with you to find Howie. I might mistake him for my brother in my mind and actually kill him. Thanks just the same though. I really stand in awe of your courage, it takes a lot to forgive someone for abusing you or knowing and allowing the abuse to continue. How is your sister doing with all of this?
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5/11/2006 5:54 am |
Lusty THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS!! I NEEDED TO READ THESE WORDS.............. I can not even begin to tell you how very deeply this has affected me and how very very sorry I am for what you and your sister endured! You are a MUCH better person than I am!!! I have shared that my wife was abused by her father for years... I NEVER forgave him and barely spoke to the man (if you can call him that)... yes I threatened to KILL him and meant it.... and probably would have if my wife had not stopped me... and I realized that would have only hurt her MORE..... I also have little to do with her mother.. not that she is a bad person... but SHE FUCKING KNEW AND DID NOTHING!!! Yes she says she did not know what to do and she was afraid of him and all the FUCKING EXCUSES.. the bottom line is SHE DID NOT PROTECT HER DAUGHTER!!! (and I suspect her brother was also abused) I have never been able to move past all that.... Perhaps.... reading YOUR story I will rethink that.. her father is dead so I will never change how I feel about him.. but perhaps... just perhaps I will reconsider her mother's position............. Lusty... you have my sincerest respect and admiration!
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5/11/2006 7:54 am |
Taurus, Mr. Bambi here... Message from Lady Bambi: She extends her thanks to you for your good wishes.
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Life is a circle... Constant and always revolving. Rise to the top and always give love when you can. You make me yearn to hold you and try to make it(life) easier to understand... fill your heart with love and not hate. I always try to remind myself that we are put here to give love and compassion and understanding to each other. That is hard to do to assholes that have no understanding that life is more than fucking. Some have no concern for others. Much Love to you Lusty and gentle hugs. ...m.
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5/12/2006 4:32 am |
And this from a man who says he couldn't unpack his bags. Seems you have and thanks for sharing. Know that you are loved. Juicy Juicy
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5/12/2006 5:43 am |
I appologise that this is not appropriate for this post, but I want to tell you how I feel about YOU!! [post 344183]
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5/12/2006 6:39 am |
Lusty, Thank you for sharing your most personal stories. As you are well aware, one of the essential ingredients to healing is getting rid of the shame. It appears as though you have done just that. I'm also glad that your blog did not include the message that "forgiveness is part of the healing process". As you know, although this was once believed to be an essential part of healing, it is now known that forgiveness is a personal choice that is unrelated to recovery, survival, and conquering the demons. May you and your sister have peace within your souls forever, Mr. Bambi
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Sometime I don't think people have any idea this happens so much to boys as well. It's the failure of the parents thats hurts the most. Parents are the first line of defense for their children and when they fail often the child is defenseless. It's terrible that victims have to forgive themselves for the actions of others. Then have to turn around and forgive the one who was to blame to start with. I'm not saying anyone should dwell on there abuse but under no circumstances should it be forgotten.
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5/12/2006 10:49 am |
I simply cannot express in words how much I admire your strength. People like you, your Sister and others from blogland have given me the strength to start moving on. Not that I ever endured anything like you did, or many others. Your sharing and evolution have helped me. Thank You. J xx
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