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The Incident that twisted me, sexualy.
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The Incident that twisted me, sexualy. Call me Billy! The incident happend in early may 1979 while i was a<b> senior </font></b>in High school. Names are changed. I got into a violent fist fight with another boy (Rick) because we both liked the same girl (Audrey) and i was jealous for her effections. She was a beautiful, hot brunette girl who was very smart, nice, and a cheerleader at the time. I had gone on only one date with her and kissed her a few times on that , and it felt like heavon. I wanted much more to come later, but i also was inhibited and shy. I wanted to impress her somehow, but didnt know how without making a fool of myself. She was also attracted to this Rick guy who was an athlete, stronger, and smarter and extroverted. The Alpha male stud! I was responsible for starting the argument that led to the fight when i approached Rick during lunch hour on the athletic feild. I was angry and he belittled me in front of Audrey and called me a wimp. I started swinging trying to punch him, and hurt my hand early on. I lost the fight in a very humiliating way and was badly injured. Because i was knocked unconscious and needed medical care, there was an official report filed and a court hearing proceding held. Testimonies were given by witnesses involed. The following are the main ones. Mary, a pretty cheer leader girl standing nearby: "I seen the two guys arguing and then they began to fight. I think it was Billy that first went to punch at Ricky. As they fought, Audrey tried to break it up but was pushed away. It was so visious they almost seemed like two dinosaurs fighting, like in those movies. Then suddenly, Billy dropped to the ground and began to cry, and cough and had his legs pulled up and i realized he was hurt in his balls. Audrey kept yelling for them to stop. Then even though Billy was helpless on the ground, Ricky continued to punch and at Billy and on his head. "Audrey screamed realy loud, after it seemed Billy acted dead. Then i seen Miss Anderson come rushing up to them and then Ricky stopped". Miss Anderson, an attractive,12th grade biology teacher: "I was in the school library, about 12:35pm, and i heard a girl scream through an open window (it was a warm day) and i looked out and seen the boys fighting. I rushed out to try to stop it. I noticed Mary who was nearby and when i got up to the boys, Audrey was shouting at Ricky to go away, that Billy was hurt, and she was on her knees trying to comfort Billy, who appeared unconscious I knelt down to examine him and he was bloodied on the face and head. He seemed partialy unconscious now, and his body was trembling and jerking. I asked what happened? And Audrey said the boys were fighting because they both liked her and wanted the other to stay away from her. That she tried to tell Billy that she favered Rick now. During her speaking Ricky interupted her and said"that loser started it" "He tried to pick a fight with me and he got what he deserved". "Audrey did admit to me that it was Billy who started the fight. During this time, Billy started to regain consciousness and started crying in pain and holding himself in the groin. Audrey said that Ricky during the fight had kneed him in his testicles, and thats when Billy dropped to the ground. Mary had come over and i asked her what she seen, and i seen others rushing up to us including the school nurse and Oscar, the security guard, and others. An ambulance was called and he was taken away by stretcher". Audrey Moore: "I was talking to Ricky out on the feild, and Billy came walking up quickly . I knew there was going to be trouble because both liked me , and i could see Billy was red in his face and neck and upset. I tried to tell Billy that l was going with Rick now, that he was my lover. They argued, then Billy pushed at Ricky and the fighting began. Billy was throwing punches like a wild man, but they didnt seem to be realy hurting Ricky and Ricky seemed to be landing his better, and out fighting Billy. I think i seen Ricky's leg come up into Billy's groin and then suddenly he fell to the ground crying in pain, so i know he was hit in his balls. He was just helpless and vulnorable, but Ricky was so upset he kept hurting Billy. I screamed for them to stop and then it looked like Billy was knocked out, so i screamed louder at Ricky to stop." Anyway, i was in the Hospital for 4 days. I almost lost both of my testicles, my scrotum swollen to 3 times the normal size, but lessened gradualy, but left me with more tenderness and sensitivity down there that still is there some today. The docters Said i didnt suffer any brain damage. A pretty nurses assistant girl i became friendly with lamented affectionatly, how "a guys testicles make him want to fight, yet there so easily hurt when he gets in a fight!" I admited to her that before i went outside to approach Rick, that, I had been thinking of "Audrey" most of the day, and became sexualy excited alot and had been in the men's room trying to jerk off because i had this blue balls discomfort. But guys came in joking around while i was in the stall trying and i couldnt perform it, so i left but with my balls still aching and tender feeling from excitement. When i started the fight with Rick, i still felt a heaviness and a weakness down there already. She said, well, a guys "testes" will actually become larger and more sensitive from sexual arousal and would probably cause them to be more vulnorable to pain and get hurt easier. I remember it excited me when she said this and how she said it with concern and affection like! I came back to school, and i felt humiliated, and the guys and girls were laughing at me, because i had started the fight and was a loser. They kept asking me in a laughing way, how my balls were? Did they take them off? Audrey, didnt like me any more. She felt embarrased for me, mainly. This Alpha male, confident super cock Rick, was telling every body what a panty waist psycho wimp i was. I felt totally inadequate. I felt shy and weak before and now my confidence hit rock bottom. I started staying home more, missing days of school and being angry , wanting to get some revenge. I also felt intense shame, because i developed a sexual fetish or fixation, having to do with what happened, my testicles being hurt, in a fight and being humiliated by having girls watching it. I felt very weak in my testicles which seemed even more sensitive and enlarged even. I felt sexualy excited by them being hurt, especially by a girl. I felt emasculated. One girl laughed when she said "you got your little pumpkin smashed didnt you!" Another girl just came up to me and tried to kick me in my tender balls, for no reason because she saw me as a worthless weakling wimp. I felt like a frightened puppy as i tried to avoid her shoe, which just missed and hurt. This increased my lack of self worth, and at the same time heightened the sexual fetish of my testicles being so vulnorable especialy on my physicaly weaker body i had and couldnt realy fight well to defend myself. my injuries had left me weaker. I still masturbate fantasizing of girls, women ,hurting my balls or seeing them being hurt and rushing to my aid to comfort me and hold and caress them and make passionate love to me to bring me to health. Sometimes i smack my balls lightly during masturbation, like its a girl doing it, even in a loving way. Violence, cowardness, sex, love, humiliation, intimidation, are all twisted together in my mind. I was a pathetic outcast through the rest of my school year but because i missed alot of days, by staying home, i had to repeat my<b> senior </font></b>year over again. I was deperate for effection from girls and i never got any. I had never got a girl friend, never any sex. I came close to it, maybe, but l blew it. About a year later l was in the public library, and "Mary", the girl who witnessed the fight, approached me to talk. She said she always wanted to say that she was sorry it happened and if i was alright? She also said that the school Nurse who rushed to my side later, was her mother. She said she accidentally kneed her brother in the balls one time while play wrestling and he was totaly helpless in pain, so she knows how bad it could be. She looked beautifull and was nice like she wanted to get to know me better, but i feit totaly inhibited and shyed away patheticaly. That was it. I lived an unacomplished, frightened, useless life afraid of everything and death. Want death but Iam afraid of pain and death and making decisions. |
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