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3 Little Words
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3 Little Words Had someone ask me today "Are you ok?" That hit a nerve with me. He knew I had just traveled over a 1000 miles in 4 days to see a ill parent and it was not a good time. Those 3 little words hit me hard. I spend so much of my time making sure everyone else around me is ok, that I often times forget about myself. I think there are times we all do that. This time those words made me stop and I cried. No, I was not ok and probably have not been for a long ass time. I hide it well but no one can hide it forever. This time I broke. I cried for all the times I was always telling everyone and myself that I am ok I am not tonight. My father is not well and at 79 he is fighting a battle that we all lose eventually. His race is close to being done and since we live so far a part I am not sure I will be there at the finish line if it happens fast. I go as often as I can but life and the end of it is not predictable. I will be ok again, just not tonight. There are times we all have to bend or we break This is one of mine. Not that I am not ok in my life in general it is just in this instance of dealing with what will be the loss of my father, I am not o I am lucky have him for so many of my life but now I am faced with that long standing tradition, the ending. It hurts already and it is hard to face. He and I have never been super close but he is still my father. He has always been a hard man deal with. He was raised in a very different time and place. I do not remember one single time he has ever said "I love you". When I was a and said it him, he would just grunt yeah. He was raised in a family that never expressed feelings. My grandparents were an arranged marriage and I am not sure there was love there, but back in those days divorce was not an option. My grandmother was also the type of woman that was not overly affectionate. It just always seemed like a cold house when I visited it as a . I do not blame my father for not knowing how express his feelings with his . My mother was very different and said that she loved us all the time. Her family was the polar opposite of my fathers. Her mother told each of her every day that she loved them and was proud of them. That continued with us 19 grandchildren while she was alive. She got to meet some of her great grandchildren including my as a baby. He was born in May, she passed in September of that year. So my parents balanced each other out. They are good together. That is another reason it is hard to see my father like this. It is also killing my mother. They have been married 58 this fall and together for 59. That is a long time to spend with one person. My father and I have had some rough years a while back and we did not talk for a long time. As a matter or fact he would tell anyone that listened when he move Virginia to live with my brother, he had no more family in NY. He basically disowned my and myself. It has taken time to repair the damage and my is still not over his resentment. I am not sure that hurt will ever heal and when my father passes it is going to leave a lot of unresolved issues. Try as I might I cannot get either of them to admit they are both wrong. They are so alike, they are missing probably a last chance sit and talk like adults together. But no, these men in my life are behaving like small . That too breaks my heart. So no, in this tonight I am not ok. My friend asking set it off and I am facing that I am not, nor will I be with this. How can anyone be with facing the loss of a parent? It is not ok and I am not ok. It is shitty and it hurts and I pretend I am alright but when the actual time comes that he passes, I will break again. |
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Sadly enough, i can totally relate. Been thru the entire process already and yes, you will be good again one day. So try n keep that smile up, girl! the sweetness of cream the PERKiness of caffeine the ambrosia-like elixir of.... Coffee~w/Baileys
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