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Abandonment Issues – I Knew You'd Leave Me
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Abandonment Issues – I Knew You'd Leave Me Dating in your 40’s. I’ve hit the point where I consider a root canal, followed by forced viewing of every Donald Trump speech to be preferable. I’m literally exhausted by the process and becoming more disheartened by the day. My fugue of futility comes from a realization I had a few weeks ago. I used to bemoan that I wound up dating all the loons. I did this quietly, because falling for loons says as much about you as it does the loons. However, it’s become clear to me that the reason I wind up dating so many broken women is because 90% of all women are broken. (It follows that 90% of single men in their 40’s are broken, but because I don’t date them, I have no firsthand knowledge.) Today’s installment of depression is brought to you by abandonment issues. Can you say abandonment issues, boys and girls? Sure, I knew you could. You see, the last two women I found myself absolutely smitten by were also affected by abandonment issues. Unlike some other mental health issues, such as my personal fav borderline personality disorder, abandonment issues don’t always ‘suck you in’ on their own. In fact, I’ve become quite adept at recognizing when I’m being sucked in and go through sort of a mental checklist with each woman I meet. Does she only want to talk about me? Has she not shared anything about her past? Am I being positioned as the man who will save her from her horrible life? For the record, ‘yes’ to any of these questions is not a good thing. In many cases, abandonment issues won’t trip the typical alarms up front, which makes them that much more painful when they do show up. I’ll skip how abandonment issues tend to develop, because you’ve got the internet, and go straight to how they suck, at least for me. Abandonment issues (A I ) are essentially the fear of being abandoned. While it may seem counter intuitive, those with AI will often push those they’ve come to care about away. It becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. When they successfully push, they can scream (to themselves) ‘see, I told you he’d leave me!’ AI can cause other issues in relationships, but unlike some other mental health issues, they aren’t usually as terminal to that relationship. It’s that pushing away that has killed two potentially special relationships for me in the past two months because I’ve fallen for the trap. Worth noting is that in my 40’s, I can count the number of truly special connections I’ve had on one hand. Even my now-ex-wife didn’t fall into that category. Chalk some of that up to my own fear of intimacy (which I skipped blogging about). But nonetheless, it’s an incredibly rare occurrence for me. Therefore, when one goes to hell in a handbasket, it tends to leave a mark. What’s strange is two of those have happened in the past three months. Late summer, I met someone who ticked every one of my boxes and it felt as though the heavens opened up. She was the only woman I’ve ever met who I could see spending the rest of my life with. Having not known her that long, whether I wanted to remained to be seen. She seemed to share my feelings and the time we spent together was positively bliss. Then came the pushing away. As I was scared to death over beginning to fall for someone at all, I panicked, fell into her trap, and abandoned her. After a few days, I began to recognize her abandonment issues (I’ve seen them before and diagnosed women before their therapists have) and tried to work things out with her. But another fun part of AI is that once you’re labelled as a flight risk, you’ll never be allowed back into her heart. So, I was fucked and left beating my head against the wall. The most recent instance was just this morning. Similar to the above except not quite as intense; but incredibly special nonetheless. Just as before, I fell into her trap of pushing me away. What makes me want to kick myself repeatedly is that I recognized her AI before and as she pushed me away. You see, her MO of communication was identical to the woman above and there were clues within that pattern. For example, despite the euphoria shared when together, communication is all but absent in between dates. No, neither was screwing someone else; each had other commitments that absolutely precluded that. See above comment about being pushed away. I knew what was happening and resolved I wouldn’t fall into her trap. Unfortunately, this one threw in an extra push that caused me to give in and abandon her. Mother fucker… While it doesn’t make the situation smart any less, at I’ve learned to not even bother trying to work things out. So, this time, I’ve gone straight to head banging and muttering softly to myself. |
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Who else has enjoyed the fun of dating someone with abandonment issues?
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I haven't, because I've been more than happy to dump the 3 men I've known who had abandonment issues but were doing nothing about it. We all pick the neuroses that we can deal with and I'm not willing to spend day after day having to prove to someone I won't cheat on him or otherwise leave him because "some other woman did him dirty". This set off some bells for me, "It’s that pushing away that has killed two potentially special relationships for me in the past two months because I’ve fallen for the trap" Are you the type of person who *has* to be in a relationship? It sounds like you get attached quick and deep. That can bring a lot of misery when we stick things out instead of bowing out. It can also make us feel guilty when we do what is the best thing for us. I actually like dating in my 40s more than when I was younger. I've got a better sense of my own identity and am rooted enough in it that I get the difference between losing myself and bending a little to fit together better. I'm not looking for a man who'll be good daddy material or one to take care of me. I know what I will and will not put up with (and that's knowledge that comes from a lot of trial and error). Most of all, I have no fear of being alone for as long as it takes to meet someone who complements me. I've learned to plant and tend my own garden. I have a rich enough life that a relationship (whether it be something casual or something serious) is a pot sweetener, not a life goal. I'm sorry this has been so painful for you but I wish yo much luck in the future in finding a situation that works out more successfully for you.
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It might make sense to highlight an aspect of behavior of those with abandonment issues. I mentioned these in my original post but will revisit and hopefully clarify. Those you're involved with can push you away for two reasons: 1 - they aren't 'into you' 2 - they very much want to be in a relationship with you but are afraid you'll leave and want to create a situation where you'll want to leave Those with abandonment issues specialize in #2 but if you don't know they have the condition, you perceive #1 taking place and you bow out. This somewhat answers the question of why I didn't try to convince the first woman to work things out until after I fled. I didn't know her pushing me away was of the second variety until after I left. Pretty simple flow Boy meets girl Boy and girl really really like each other Girl pushes boy away (#2 pushing) Boy thinks girl doesn't like him Boy leaves Boy finds out that girl really did like him Boy attempts to mend the relationship
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