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Parenting - The Sequel
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Parenting - The Sequel This has been sitting in my folder for a few weeks so I thought I'd throw it online sans final anal retentive editing. In reading some of the comments to my Crap Parents blog post (Thank You!), a few parenting stories of my own have popped back into my head. I’ll admit that the memories are somewhat bittersweet, as I no longer have contact with the step I grew to love as my own. Distance and a vindictive ex-wife, unfortunately, were enough to seal that fate. Anyway, I thought I’d share some real world examples of my own on how not being afraid to be a hard ass as a parent, can be a good thing. Both stories involve my step-; the one with screaming ADHD and resulting impulse control issues. Keep in mind, particularly for the second story, that I was known as the hard ass of the two parental figures in her life. One Saturday afternoon, I was alone in the house with my . She was planning to head to a music festival and was eagerly waiting for one of her friends to pick her up. I knew she was excited about the concert, having mentioned it several times during the previous week. At some point, my attention was drawn to noise coming from the street / cul de sac in front of our home. Looking out, I saw a worn out Chrysler minivan attempting to do donuts. I called up to my and asked if that was her friend. She said that wasn’t his car to which I responded that it had better not be because there was no way my , step or otherwise, was riding with that idiot. I was also pretty angry because we lived in a rather nice neighborhood; yes, part of it was being a snob but a larger part was because there were small present. The next thing I knew, you guessed it, the minivan pulled into our driveway and honked the horn. I reminded my of the time honored father’s code of ‘if you honk your horn in my driveway, you’d better be dropping off a package because you ain’t picking up my ’, and made it very clear she was not riding with this moron. She was not so happy but said she’d tell her friend she wasn’t going. The next thing I know, the aforementioned friends (another friend had tagged along) were on my back deck, where I was smoking a cigar (still not sure what I ever saw in those things). In a respectful tone, he asked why I wouldn’t allow my to go with him. After I laid out the reasons, he proceeded to explain to me why I was wrong. To this day, I’m quite proud of myself for not having two bodies to bury in the back yard. However, after about two minutes of discourse between the two of us, I informed him his departure would be a wise move. That a strange telling a man he was dumb in his own home was no different than specifically asking to have the living daylights beaten out of him. Numb nuts finally left and my sequestered herself into her room. Much as I wanted to just let things lie, I decided a good father would chat with his about the event. Knowing how much she was looking forward to the concert, I knew I’d be facing the untamed wrath of a teenage girl. I knocked on her door and walked in. Before I even got two words out of my mouth, my jumped up and threw her arms around me. With tears in her eyes, she told me how grateful she was to have me as her dad. That she’d never had anyone she could count on to protect her until I came along. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. That moment still brings a tear to my eyes. The other story I’d like to share happened about six months after their mother and I separated. I was chatting with my step and she told me how much she missed me. She said that she missed the structure I brought as a parent. This shocked me a bit and I jokingly reminded her of her and her brother’s comments about my being the hard ass parent. And then she said something I’ll never forget, so long as I live. ‘You were firm, but you were fair, and we always knew you loved us.’ Wow, pretty powerful stuff, at least for me. Beyond recounting seemingly self-serving stories, my point is that need a healthy, repeat healthy, structure during their formative years. Regardless of how much they fight it sometimes, they crave structure; they appreciate it. Honestly, it’s sometimes easier to let things slide. You think ‘I just don’t feel like dealing with the drama right now. I’ll deal with it later.’ If you’re not prepared to enforce your rules, then don’t set them. At the risk of going into full babble mode, I’ll share one more story. I was with a female friend recently. Her had his three cousins staying with her for a few nights over the holidays, so there were four pre- boys in the house. They were typical rambunctious and a lot of fun. At 8:45 pm, she announced that lights out would be at 9:00. 9:00 came and went with no effect on the mayhem upstairs. At 9:15, I reminded her of her lights out time. She responded that they were just being boys and I shouldn’t be such a hard ass. She completely missed the point! I had no issue with the boys having fun. What I had an issue with was her drawing a line in the sand and walking away from it. You might read this and think I ran my home like Army basic training. You’d be wrong. I didn’t have rules for everything; trust me, I’ve seen the damage that can do to . Rules and limits were in place where it made sense but, in general, my had a fair amount of autonomy, so long as they continued to earn it. When rules were broken, there were consequences commensurate with the importance of the rule. Those consequences were consistent and uniformly enforced. |
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I applaud you for the consistency and structure that you provided to your stepdaughter. It is apparent she did, too. Many parents I work with professionally just don't "get it." And they lament about their offspring being so disrespectful and out of control.
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