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Crap Parents
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Crap Parents I’ve noticed a recurring theme with a number of women I’ve met recently that both irritates and scares me. Being the blunt person I am, I’ll come out and say it; they’re crap parents. Before I head down the path, let me provide some context. First, I make no claims to be an expert on parenting. However, I do have experience with my (former) step in raising them from preteens to majority. One was ADHD as well as the ‘black’ of a BPD mother. For reasons that will become obvious later, I’ll also mention that I was an only and ADHD myself, before anyone knew what ADHD was. I’ve done a fair amount of reading on ADHD as well, so I’m pretty in tune with the condition. So, what makes some of the women I’ve met crap parents? A few things, actually. First, comes the irritating part. It seems that the ones with who have behavior problems (and there seem to be more than I’d thought there would be out there) are the ones who want absolutely no input from anyone else on attempting to modify that behavior. They discount any knowledge you might have gained by raising your own and are often combative when you try to share some of that knowledge. One of my favorites was with a woman I was dating who couldn't get her 12 year old ready for school without having to yell at him multiple times for each step. Get up, brush your teeth, get dressed, etc. The would stop after each step and wander into space. When I told her that something needed to be done to get his act together, she replied ‘that’s how<b> teenagers </font></b>are but you wouldn't know anything about that.’ Uh, yeah, I’ve got no experience with teenagers, particularly those two who ran around my house and were getting themselves to school way before age 12…what was I thinking? As you can imagine, regardless of how compatible you might be with someone, it’s a bit difficult to respect them when they tell you to butt out, that they know how to parent their . Then those same have a meltdown and tell their mother they hate her, for no apparent reason, ten minutes later. Yeah, you’ve got it well in hand, ‘mom’. From my perspective, the common thread in most of the poorly behaving , is lack of consequences and boundaries. Certain behavior is par for the course with . Messy rooms, some whining, sneaking cookies, etc. Obviously, it shouldn’t be encouraged but you have to roll with that stuff and not harp on it. Hell, it’ll kill you if you don’t learn to pick your battles. I’m a big fan of the 7 positive comments to each negative; I saw great results when I consciously incorporated that into my own interactions with my step . However, there are behaviors that cross a boundary into completely unacceptable behavior. Meltdowns, mouthing off to parents (hell, anyone really), stealing, etc. Yet, I see parents letting these behaviors occur and excuse it as their ‘expressing themselves’ or some other bullshit. ‘We need to find a positive reward system for their good behavior.’ Yeah, that’s worked great so far! If you allow a to get away with this behavior without appropriate consequences, you’re teaching them that it’s okay. Furthermore, what do do best? They push boundaries. A friend of mine is the perfect example of this. Over the course of the three years I’ve known her, I’ve observed her ’s behavior progress from bad to worse. He’s never had any compunction over having a meltdown in front of me, over something trivial like not being able to take his tablet to bed (which should never even be considered, IMH  . Nor has he shown any hesitance to mouth off to me, although he tends to do that once he’s mostly up the stairs. In general, he’s a spoiled little brat. Never have I seen any consequences dished out for the bad behavior; only excuses of how he’s ADHD and unable to control his impulses. Well, sure enough, a few weeks ago, he went off (again, over something trivial) and out it came…’Fuck you!’ Surely, there were consequences for this outburst. Nope. Nor were there any for him attempting to physically take something she had confiscated in a rare instance of attempted punishment.The bottom line is that a parent treats mouthing off / defiant insubordination the same as the having a dirty room, how is the expected to differentiate between the two? If you haven't taught your (ren) proper boundaries, and refuse guidance from those who have (or sought other assistance), you are a crap parent. End of story. And this leads me to what will likely be a controversial assertion; that single women are at somewhat of a disadvantage in raising . Be very clear that I’m not saying they’re not good parents but just at a disadvantage. The advantage of having a father in the house is that it brings the ‘nuclear option’ to the table. For example, you can imagine being an only , I was pretty spoiled. And my ADHD could have meant trouble with my poor impulse control. However, I knew there were boundaries on what I could spout off to my parents. I also knew that, if I exceeded them, my father would kick the shit out of me. As a result, I never told my parents to go screw themselves or anything of the sort. My step was screaming ADHD; her therapist told me she was the most impulsive person she’d ever met. Understandably, there were unpleasant encounters from time to time. Only a matter of time before I received a ‘fuck you’ right? Or maybe from my step , asserting his manhood. Nope, there were clear boundaries in place so that both knew exactly how the script would read. ‘Blah, blah, blah, fuck you….hey, how’d I get on the floor?’ I don’t doubt for a second that many readers had the same dynamic in their homes growing up. And it was a universal truth both for me growing up, as well as for my step . If you laid a hand on your mother, you’d be visiting the ER. Wow, threatening your with violence; how horrible! Funny thing is I don’t recall my father ever threatening to beat the hell out of me. I know I never threatened my . It was just a given that crossing certain lines would not be tolerated. And, to be clear, the only physical punishment I got from my dad were limited to a few well deserved spankings. Furthermore, I never raised a hand to either of my . Much like maintaining a nuclear weapons arsenal, just having the capability and willingness to use it ensured I never had to. Back to my assertion. Unfortunately, the threat of physical consequences to a teenage boy from a 5’4” mom just won’t be as much of a deterrent as from a man. So, moms have to be even more resourceful and, quite frankly, more vigilant in establishing and enforcing clear boundaries. And they must do so much earlier, when they are still physically imposing to their demon offspring. So, there’s my usual epic post. I’d love to hear opinions from others. Perhaps I’m way off base; if so, tell me. Also, I feel like a curmudgeon with my ‘downer posts’ but I tend to write about what’s sticking in my head, mostly as a cathartic exercise. I promise to return to fluffy material for my next post. In the meantime, in the spirit of being a grumpy man for the week, get off my lawn! |
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