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| Blogs > rm_debluvz2fck > Another Whisper In The Dark |
Secrets to My New Success (or Patent Pending)
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Secrets to My New Success (or Patent Pending) I've hit that wonderful between jobs stage again. Don't feel sorry for me. Opportunities are out there, and I'll find something that doesn't gnaw at my soul and play with it like a rag doll next time. I hope. So why Secret to My New Success, you ask? That one is simple. I've devised a pattern that I will follow to avoid the pitfalls of my past. It seems fairly straight forward, though it will be tricky to navigate. Secret Number 1: Tell No One That I'm A Vegan This one is simple. I will just perpetually be on a diet, eating salads and not including any of those things that come with terrible amounts of fat (like dairy products or meat of any kind). This works two-fold. First, it allows for a larger social interaction with my peers. If I calmly accept that I'm not to be fulfilled with a meal that I eat while with colleagues, I can better earn their friendship and camaraderie. Maybe I get sick when eating at a seafood or bbq restaurant (if the latter even has salads), but I won't be accused of not being a team player. Second, no one will be of the mistaken notion that I think I'm better than they are or morally indignant. The wonderful mind of the omnivore often trends towards suspicion and disdain toward the vegan. Vegans think they are better than omnivores. Vegans believe omnivores are dirty and foul in exploiting animals. Well, that second one is true, but really. I doubt many vegans are so moralistic that they treat people who aren't as badly as I was treated for being a vegan on my last job. Do you believe a vegan has ever said to an omnivore, “Since it isn't your religion that makes you that way, I'm not sure I need to accommodate it.” Moral high ground is fraught with vulnerability from below, after all. Heaven forfend that anyone should make a life choice because it is right for them... Secret Number 2: Get To Know My Coworkers and Supervisor(s) I'm a private person. I share all kinds of odd insights into who I am and my experiences here, none of which I will ever reveal to anyone at work. The sharing is related to anonymity, which allows it to be safe and without judgment. So maybe you judge me, but I don't need to hear about it. As a private person, though, I haven't poked and prodded at other people to find out more about their lives outside of work. Poking and prodding in this fashion generally lends to questions about my own life. Time to ask a million questions, learn all about everyone I work with, and provide a tightly altered version of my actual life if prompted to do so. Asking about people's private lives leads them to believe that you are interested in who they are as a person and not just what they do around the office. This leads them to consider you to be a friend, invite you to informal social gatherings, and make you a part of their social network. And you are seen as a team player. Keeping detailed notes about everyone, from spouse, and or cat's names to birthdays and anniversaries, would allow better team building and camaraderie. Knowing about someone by keeping a dossier is a little J Edgar Hoover for my tastes, but people seem to like it when you remember their personal events. Greet coworkers on Monday mornings with, “Hi, Jeff! How was your weekend? Is Molly still making candles? Oh... terrible to hear about the fire! All of her wax burned, you say?” Who wouldn't want that sort of thing? Or, “Hey, Mandy! How did things go at your cousin's wedding? Did he really wear white? He's been living with the groom for ten years now!” Precious moments that I've missed for not being more social. Secret Number 3: Struggle To Learn As Much As The Boss Supervisors have two distinct reactions to people who have learned and/or could do more than them. The first is suspicions which leads to believing everything is a veiled insult or disrespect. It is unhealthy. The second is exploiting the worker and immediately looking for ways to get rid of them to avoid unfavorable comparison. As a supervisor, you should be able to teach your staff, not hand them aspects of your job that you can't perform while criticizing their ability to perform their jobs. The solution, ask the boss how to do things, even if he or she doesn't know how to do them. Bosses feel more confident when you run things by them, even if they have no clue what you're speaking about when you're asking. Then ask coworkers. Get their take on things. If your coworkers are doing it a specific way, chances are it I boss approved. Go with it. But never, never learn more about anything or demonstrate a heightened capacity to learn more in an area than your boss. It will end in nothing but negative, whether that negative is a hostile work environment that goes on for decades or the evil tormentor sets you free. As I look for my next job, I hold these secrets to be self-evident, that any job can be acceptable with enough effort put into it. Be on a diet, not a vegan. Be social to the point of irritating. And don't outshine the boss. I'm ready for interviews now. |
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