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Is honesty important?
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Is honesty important? This is a little story about my adventures on ChristianMingle almost two years ago. I am going to reveal a few things I have never revealed before. But before I do let me explain something fundamental about honesty. It's great. I consider it one of the most important values or morals in my life that I worked very hard to earn It's also bullshit. See, I cannot speak spanish more fluently than I understand it in my own head. Likewise, there is not a single person on this planet that can be more honest with others, than they are with themselves. Honesty doesn't really have anything to do with watching your significant other for signs of dishonesty. It has nothing to do with keeping track of who's lying to you. It has everything to do with how honest you are with yourself. After all, you are the only person that you can do anything about. Every one of us has been in a situation where we told the truth, the situation or the world has changed, what we said is no longer true, and we get crucified over it. Its bullshit. The ways that we lie to ourselves can be summed up with two general categories, justifications and rationalizations. A justification is when we try to give a reason our action is just: "I know it's wrong, but..." It's the 'but' that tips you off. A rationalization is when we try to use logic, or rational thought, to make a lie a truth. If you can boil it down to "It's different" that's a rationalization. Sometimes the person rationalizing will just say "It's different." It's funny. But remember these are lies we tell ourselves. I may hear someone telling me their justifications or rationalizations, but it's really for them. People have to live with themselves. Let's be honest: The way most people hook up goes something like this - "You're in the 90714 zip code? I'm in the 90714 zip code! Let's fuck." Maybe not in so many words, but it's the perceived similarities that attract us to each other. Perceived. See? It is hard to be honest. So, after my divorce I had my first big stormy relationship. Like those first flings usually are, it was not so good. The sex was great, but the relationship sucked. And I always seem to pick the nutcases. It took a restraining order, the police (twice), and the National Guard to get rid of her. That is not sarcasm. Without the National Guard, I would not have gotten rid of her. So I figured maybe a church girl would work out. Enter ChristianMingle. Now this is a weird fucking site. It's owned by people that do not give a shit about religion of any sort. It's populated by different denominations in an uneasy truce, because there is nothing more self-righteous than the average denomination bullshit in Christianity. A friend did a survey and found out that over 50% of the women there were recovering from some kind of<b> </font></b>or severe abuse. Usually recent. But in any case, a little over a year and a half ago, this Lost in LA blog was over there. I met some good people. We had some good talks. I was popular for a while. I never went on a single date, but had some good friends. Had. See, I am a preacher's . And Grandkid. I know the bible from the earliest days of learning to read. I know how much most American Christianity today is full of shit. And there were some people that could accept the things I explained. I was gentle. lol So I met this one woman, Susan, who organized little get togethers and such. She was about 12 yrs older than me, but I've dated women that much older and that much younger before. I have my preferences, but age just isn't that important to me. I have other things that are important too me. I tend to date younger mainly because the older women I dated are too... 'fragile' for me to enjoy myself with sex. It get's frustrating. Sorry. I like to bite. I didn't date Susan, but she wanted to. At one point she was in my living room asking me for sex. I just wasn't interested and said so as honestly and kindly as possible. Then my Grandmother died. My Gran raised me. She was the one and only person in my life, throughout my life, that I knew without a doubt was always there for me, would always accept me. It's been over a year now, and I'm still dealing with the loss and loneliness, those feelings of a character I've never experienced before. So my family is fucking nuts. My dad and I got in a fight at the emergency room, later he called and threatened to kill me if he ever saw me again. Haven't seen or spoken to him since. And I was left as the only one that gave a fuck enough to arrange the funeral and deal with all the nutty family. It is impossible to get them all in one place and time in the universe. We ended up having three funerals. Anyways, the night after the funeral, I couldn't just sit around at home so I went to this Single's Ministry Church dance. I do love to dance. It might be the pagan in me, but dancing your pain away is a very important part of my life. And I met a young woman there. She was my age. We hit it off. We talked for 5 hours about our lives, and several times about how GOOD it is to wait until marriage to have sex, blah blah blah. Then we had sex in her car in the parking lot. We were kissing and such and she started reaching down my pants and grabbing me and yanking and moaning. I stopped and said "If you want it say so, I may not be sure it's a sin but I'm damn sure lying to myself about it is." She said she did and so we did. Simple. Not even five minutes after the guilt started, and as usual she took it out on me. I WAS the only one there after all. It started something like this: "You're not vasectomized??!! I thought you'd had a vasectomy!" "Carolyn, I never said that. In fact we had never even come close to discussing that subject. Why would you even think something like that?" "I can't believe you're not. You lied to me." AS you may or may not know, being accused of lying by a Christian woman is about the worse thing in the world they can think of you. So, a month later she had called the police on me that I was giving drugs to my - over and over till the police came to check it out; gone online at ChristianMingle to expose me; paid hundreds of dollars to do a background check on me, then sent letters to every single person I had ever worked for telling them how I impregnated her and I'm schizophrenic and do they think she should have the baby (isn't abortion a not so Christian thing?); AND... filed a support case with the county against me. SHE WAS NEVER PREGNANT!!! lol. The police found it all groundless, but had to report it to services per their policy. The lady from the county came down to interview me and my seventeen and a half year old . I told "What? He's 17! Take him!" and she laughed. I've got several of the letters she sent. You've got to feel sorry that another human being can sink to that level of self-deception. Anyway, remember Susan? The 'Christian' woman I turned down for sex? Well, once she caught wind of this it became her mission from god to save the world from me. She started sending emails to all my friends there about how awful I was. I called CM and the nice young man there agreed that she was out of line but they did nothing about it. He recommended I get a lawyer and start a slander suit. But all it takes is an accusation. Remember Clinton? At one point while these two women were thrashing me online, people started asking why I didn't defend myself and I responded: "What am I supposed to say? I did not have sex with that woman?" My time there was done. Here's an example. The boyfriend of a friend of mine got me alone and told me "I have to be honest. I don't like you. I don't like how you are friends with her. I don't like... blah blah blah" I said: "Well, I appreciate your Christian honesty, but you could have kept that shit to yourself. There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole." |
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