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| Blogs > LaurelTreeGal > A lesbian's quotidia |
My Meeting with N.
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My Meeting with N. The snowbanks along the street sides, and along sections of the sidewalk forced me to walk in the road on the way from home to Alter Egos for my meeting with N. No one had yet formed a passage across the bank in front of Alter Egos; the bank was waist high. I adopted that task for myself. The snow was light, powdery almost. I stepped on the snow close to the surface of the road first, stepping multiple times until a base was formed then repeated the task again and again until I had created steps to the top. I entered the venue, and chose a spot close to the bookshelf, and the milk and creme shelf. I had not yet finished divesting myself of layers when she walked in. We hugged in greeting, a warm, close hug. I invited her to sit next to me on the bench. She replied that it would be easier to hear each other that way. We sat down. She said she had seen me blaze the trail across the bank, and waited for me to complete it. Over the next couple of hours she talked sociology theory, and I chimed in when the constructs made sense to me, and I could add a critique, or comparison. For this stuff my<b> philosophy </font></b>background is adequate preparation. Somewhere in the middle of it she addressed a small part of the complexity of our relationship. I had sent her a copy of the story I had written for the Transgender Inclusion Committee. She had read it, and thought that I was attempting to slot her into the role of the other woman. She said that it had made her uneasy. I am not certain of what I wore on my face but she asked me what I thought of that. I paused, thinking. I do not now recall what I had said in response, but I did tell her that I now intended to take things as they came, moment to moment, day by day, that I intended not to engage preconceived notions of desirable outcomes. She said she had no intention of cutting things off. I told her that I intended to use our dance as guiding metaphor for all of my interactions with her, and touched her fingers as I talked. She permitted the touch, but did not extend it. When our time came to an end she walked with me to my place so that I could give her a portion of the beans I had cooked a couple days ago. M, my roommate stayed in her bedroom while N. was there. I showed her around the place, then we walked back to her car. Standing next to her door, face to face, I asked her if our relationship will permit a kiss. She smiled, and did not hesitate for more than a breath. I don’t remember if she nodded her acknowledgement, said yes, or simply stepped forward and kissed me. It was brief, and warm, and I remember the sensation of the fullness of her lips on mine. Later in the evening she sent emails, both of them signed off with love. Even today, she said she woke in the night with a crystal clear image of me in her mind, that she remained awake longer into the night. And when I responded by telling her that I too would lie awake in the night over such a comment, she said I should not, because she had intended no provocation, nor to be cryptic. She said further, and simply that I am now part of her life. Better and Better! I think I know how to approach her now. I am thinking of Upadana, a sanskrit term that means clinging, or grasping, attachment. There are five kinds. I’ll not list the kinds here, but what I believe I must do is to rid myself of self, and all forms of attachment. I do know how; I’ve been living this way pretty much for a while now. Her husband used to be a hindu (he is a white north american), and now has a relationship with the Shambala Centre, and N has been involved, at least from the periphery, and maybe more. I am thinking that our dance was more significant that I had thought, I am thinking that my life has shaped me for this time, I am thinking that if I can be open to the multiplicities of possibilities free of expectation, that this could be a profoundly rich experience. |
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