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| Blogs > shavedpubes1971 > Honesty, Finally |
Normal
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Normal What is normal, hmmmmm When I first decided 6 months ago to be honest with myself I was unsure then of who I was, I use the word Who and not What, because I figure I am not a thing and not a what. But, why do some still have in their heads that who I am is a phase and not normal. I had a friend come over just after I had started telling my friends about myself. She sat in my living room with me knowing that something was bothering me. I finally got the strength to look at her and let her in on my secret. Well that may have been one of my first mistakes. She proceded to quote scripture to me, you see my friend is a devout christian, and her life in church is very important to her. What I did not expect from her though were her comments. She did not make fun of me in anyway, but I could tell it was a subject she was not comfortable with, and did not understand. She sat on my couch for a few minutes without saying anything, but I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. When she finally did speak, she told me that she had thought maybe this was why I had asked her to come over to talk. She asked the usual questions, Are you sure, How do you really know, but the question that still gets me 6 months later is, Have you tried to be normal... I looked at her and asked, tell me what normal is. Well that got into a discussion involving relegion, for each comment she made, I had an answer that I could come back with, you see, for a time in my life, I was a devout christian as well, I stopped going to church years ago after sitting in the pews became too much for me. It got to the point in church that listening to the sermons that were occasionally preached on homosexuality being a mortal sin, and sitting there expecting the floor to open up and swallow me into a fire that I knew this was not the place for me to be. Don't get me wrong, I do beleive in god, I know what is in my heart and do not need a seat to sit in and listen to someone tell me their version of what is Normal in the world. Well, back to my friend. As she sat there I knew there was more stirring inside her than she had let go, so I told her to let it all out, that it would not effect our friendship as far as I was concerned, well I was mistaken. She proceeded again to tell me how this life I had chose was not what was intended for me. See, she thinks that being Gay is a choice, I tried my best to help her understand that this is not a choice, who would choose to be an outcast to society. Most of her worry I think centered around the fact that we live in a very small community of 300, in a very rural area, and that people would not understand and give me a hard time. It was her next series of comments that have burned themselves into my head for life, I do not know if I can forget them, I had never expected her to say anything like that. She looked at me from my couch and told me that with determination and gods help I could be normal. Again, that word, Normal, I still have no grasp on what this means. She then proceded to tell me that if she were not married to her husband she would derobe in front of me to try and convert me back. How could she be so absolutely wrong in her thinking, this was a person who I had respected as a friend for many years, and to say something like that, it will stick with me for a very long time. Don't get me wrong, I was kinda flattered that she cared so much for me that she would be willing to offer herself as a sacrifice to the gay man in front of her, to try and save his soul. I have gottent to the point i am done trying to explain that my life is not a chioce, but who I was born to be. Her and I still speak, but not like we used to, I can tell there is a difference in our friendship, when I look at her, I see the hurt in her eyes, and yes it bothers me that I let a friend down, but I do not know how to fix her issues, nor should I have to, it is her problem not mine, if people in this day can still be so narrow minded and let relegion run their lives, then it is out of my hands for what I can do, afterall, I am only human, not a god, and working to be as Normal a person as I can be, but please, if anyone has an idea of what Normal is, please enlighten me. Normal, is it a state of being or a state of mind... Who Knows, I know I don't... |
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