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... Been the same story over and over. Walking around this crappy supermarket for 45 minutes now, nothing looks good. If money were an object then I could give myself some slack, truth is I could have anything. I have back tracked and retraced all the products lined up in military formation along the long stretching shelves. My empty basket mocking my failure to even pick food out for myself. Everything looks as if it would taste grey. I gave up on my futile attempt at the food library, grabbed a luke warm rockstar from the open air coooler by the register and left. I decided to try again tomorrow, I seemed to have lost my apetite anyway. I have lost alot of things lately. I drove around for a while in the cold rain, thinking about everything and sinking a little lower. My emotional range has norrowed recently, I go from indifferent to melancholy with twinges of despair in between. I am good at keeping up appearances, I really missed my calling as an actor. My car being too crappy for the neighborhood I was in got me noticed by the police. I decided to<b> head </font></b>home before they found a reason to pull me over. Home really isn't that, it's a place to sleep for a couple hours. I spend most waking hours at work, not having anywhere else to go. Good thing I have work to bury myself alive in. Work is the metaphorical sand that I bury my<b> head </font></b>in. I even work late off the clock, cleaning and organizing things into the wee hours of the morning. I come home and collapse into oblivion for a couple hours, then go right back to it. It's better than sitting here alone in this house, better than having to think about things. Not that I can avoid thinking about things anyway, but at least I have things to distract me from my ruminating. My cell phone died some hours ago, I thought about plugging it in to the car lighter but decided there was no point. I don't get text messages anymore. I have the distinct feeling if I fell off the face of the planet it would be months before anyone noticed. Even my own seems to never have time for me anymore, her messages are short and trite, and have the tone of annoyance. I don't think she knows that sometimes she breaks my heart, it's what parents go through I guess. I tried to break out, and took a trip to Lasalle Illinois to meet a friend that I have talked to for a couple years now. We had a few drinks and played pool, closed the place down and went back to the hotel. Everything seemed rushed, like it was something to get over with. I started feeling uncomfortable with the whole thing, it wasn't happening naturally. It was prefunctory and emotionless, I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't even get that right. The next day I was supposed to leave, she left me alone in the hotel room all day. I lay and watch a Mad Max movie marathon, determined to just leave and drive back without saying goodbye. I instead waited, and she would call every couple hours to let me know she would be there in a couple hours. She finally showed up around 730 pm long enough for me to take her to eat sush. I lay in the hotel room til 10 and decided to drive back, getting home around 5 am. I beat myself up all the way home, I was embarassed and dissapointed in myself. I know that I'm wired differently, the factory that made me was on the fritz that day. Even with that foreknowledge I couldn't help feeling more than a little emasculated. Like I should just post a resume for the eunuch position I saw online as soon as I get home. A weekend that was supposed to be fun and relaxing turned out weird and akward, nice going Doug. I think that ruined the friendship, she hasn't talked to me since. I quickly went back to work, and have been immersed in it ever since. Until something better comes along I will continue down this path. I quit looking for someone, the repeated failure breaks me up inside. Why subject myself to the abuse any longer, any further and it would be like a bizzare nazi experiment. I will continue to walk the aisles of the supermarket, empty basket in hand. |
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12/3/2009 11:49 pm |
You sound so discouraged...and I sympathize with you... I've felt this way more than once over the last year... nothing seems to go right for me either...lol... and I was also appalled to read about your weekend away... OMG! really sorry one of my half the species treated you like that... ... anyhow..if you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen ...drop a line...it would be my pleasure....xxx
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