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Flim Flam Woolaberry Pants and the
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Flim Flam Woolaberry Pants and the Flim Flam Woolaberry Pants and the "Meetah"... I couldn't believe how many Christmas people were in the post office. WTF! It's not even Thanksgiving yet! The asian lady in front of me had a poorly taped box to go overseas, and when she found out it was not properly secured she launched in to a series of syllables that sounded like someone rattling a ping pong ball around in a metal container. It was twenty minutes before I reached the haggard civil servant behind the counter to mail my item. When I finally got out of there it was like an early release from jail. I hurried along to my Jeep, avoiding the ever growing circles of impatient parking wannabees who refuse to park more than ten spots from the door. I gave an assist to an elderly walker bound granny who had been denied a handicap space by all the healthy sticker imposters and fumbled with my keys as I approached my ride, almost four blocks away at a regular metered spot. That's when I saw him. He was sittin' on a bench staring at his parking meter, which still had about four minutes left on it. "Mornin' sonny" he smiled. "G' Mornin' Sir, How's your day goin'? "It's a'goin' alwright, I'm waitin' on the meetah". I recognized the Cape Cod accent immediately. "Gettin' yer mony's worth eh"? I joked. "When ya my age, every nickle counts". "Yes. So I've heard". I rattled the keys in a sign the conversation was ending. "Ya like my pants"? "Huh"? It was the last question I expected..... "Woolaberry"! He gleamed with pride. They were sorta course like Boston Tweed, but had fruity weaves and were a dark green semi-plaid. I pictured a half-sheep-half-holly bush hybrid that defied reason and began to feel a bit disturbed. "Woolaberry"? "Yes, named after the family that manufactured them. Y'Know, she was Liberace's girlfriend". "Really? Didn't know he ever had one".... "Oh yes! He set her up in a house down in Del Rey Beach, a real stone mansion, still exists. She broke his heart y'know. I'm surprized ya never heard of it bein' from South Florida 'n all". "How'd you know I'm from South Florida"? "I spied ya Broward County tag when ya pulled in. You must'a been one of them hangin' chads". He laughed. As a former mental health student I began to suspect this man had issues along those lines. The weird part was he obviously had a very sharp, still functional brain, but with the kind of twist that raised the hairs on the back of my neck. Just then the asian lady came storming up and chirped the alarm on the Mercedes that was in his space, shot me and him a suspicious glance, got in real quick and locked the doors before grabbing her cell and roaring off. "I thought that was your space". I was really confused now. "No. I'm on foot. It was just my quarters in the meetah". He struggled to get up. Now all my red flags were a'wavin in the wind. Definately insane! As he limped away I noted his shoes were full of holes and his jacket way too thin and inappropriate for the mid-50's weather. Homeless! I felt a flood of sympathy. Las Vegas is full of homeless, ex-vet vagabounds, most of whom are facing mental health issues. "Sir"! I ran after him. "Eh"? I shoved a twenty into his cracked and veinous hand. "Please, get yourself a warm jacket and a good hot meal". He smiled. "Thanks sonny, Yer a real class act". He turned away. I walked back to the Jeep and got in, let her warm up for the required minute or so while I played with the radio, then went to back out. A horn sounded. Some buttwipe in a Beamer speeding down my aisle had almost hit me. I looked a little closer and considered giving him the International Hello Sign. It was Flim Flam Woolaberry Pants himself. "Why you on of a....." He shot me the finger and tore off down the avenue, narrowly missing a Camry at the intersection. I was flabbergasted. "That cagey old motherfu....". I stopped. I couldn't believe it. Now I began to doubt my own sanity. "What the hell just happened here"? I raced home myself and locked the door. What kind of world are we living in? What kind of fool am I? These are the questions. I have no real answers. That's my story for today, folks...... |
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And i thought my life sucked, thanks i feel so much better now.
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