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| Blogs > rm_passion071 > ISO ..Sexual healing? |
Why I am here.
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Why I am here. I wanted to explain why I am here, however to certain people it will sound like an excuse and probably sound like every other guy on the planet. However it might give others color in their monochromatic world. And I will probably catch a LOT of crap for this. Some of it might sound trite or cliché’ but it is true. I do love my wife dearly, as a woman, a wife and a mother. I find her incredibly desirable, both on a physical and intellectual level. So why am I here? Am I just a sex hound liking for more? Am I a “typical” man who would fuck almost anything that fogs a mirror- and sometime that’s not ever a requirement; Just looking to blow a load and go. Notch up the bed post so to speak. ABSOLUTELY NOT! The first 15 plus years of our marriage was great- as it usually is in the beginning. But I realized at one put I was putting all the effort into intimacy. We both worked, we both cleaned house and shared all the other chores of a typical household with 2 . She would decide where we went on vacation, what TV and other services to get and things like that. I figured happy wife, happy life. But when it comes to being intimate, physical or sexual- I did it all, I initiated each encounter. Planned the getaways and at home it was the same, I set the mood picked the music arranged for dinner and everything else. In fact if I didn’t plan it- we didn’t "do it". I am not brightest knife in the drawer. It took over 15 years for me to drop the ball and see where she took it. About seven years ago … I stopped initiating… and the ball stopped bouncing. It’s still in the same spot. She thinks everything is fine. She always has. She was always the “willing victim” of my passion N Desire for her, yet she has never expressed any for me. I would ask “what do you want to do?” and the answer is always the same- she wants to be licked, and in my book, ladies always cum first; and she always does. I know she’s not faking it because she can’t act and the secretions after orgasm change the taste … and that can’t be faked. I always ask if there’s anything that would make it “better” “more enjoyable” and all I ever here is “it’s fine, lovely, wonderful”; However she never even makes even the slightest gesture to reciprocate. She hasn’t touched me in a passionate or desirous manner in 20 yrs. If she responds to playful sexual banter it’s always done in a situation that will never lead to being physical. She’s all set and ready to go to work and I’ll make a risqué comment and she’ll respond, but then nothing can happen because of the timing. She’ll joke about hot steamy sex, but that’s at 7:30 am, by 5:30 pm it been forgotten. I‘ve spend hundreds of dollar on lingerie that MIGHT be wore once and then… lost.. forever. I have left packages for her on the bed full of sexy clothes, candies and jewelry. I get a schoolgirl giggle out of her and then the package, untouched is put on the side of the bed to gather dust. This is what is driving me nuts. I think I have tried everything over the last seven years- I know I have tried everything I know of – multiple times to get her to initiate something on a physical level, to no avail. I am now convinced she either doesn’t like sex OR does like sex with me. I think she doesn’t see herself as sexy and she has always resisted that concept with a very juvenile response. Either way, I lose. She won’t talk about it, she doesn’t want to see a counselor or therapist; I have seen two therapists, but it’s pointless to go alone. I have tried to change her and that’s pointless too. I have gotten to the point where I realize I am not going to be able to enjoy or participate in the physical joy of sex forever. Living in Florida I am reminded of that at every turn. I once described this as only being able to take half a breath. Go ahead-try that. Only take half the breath you really want to take. Try it for 15 minutes. Try it for an hour. Now, live like that for years! It becomes intolerable! I am not going to say everything else is fine with the marriage. We have the typical worries and concerns of anyone raising these days have. But when it comes to intimacy -She’s a camel and I am the fish. Part of me wants to solve this issue between us, and the other part is scared to death I’ll lose her for a multitude of reasons. I feel I have “pushed the issue” so far as I can without making her feel obligated, But I feel like I am suffocating. I am a deeply passionate person, a very sensuous person, romantic and playful. All this is wasted in the context of our physical relationship. I feel like its playing tennis against the wall. I hit the ball against the wall so I know EXACTLY what to expect coming back at me. It’s an interaction with only one dimension. Two people but only one is dancing. A few years back I had an affair with a wonderful woman. It lasted almost 2 yrs. It was romantic and playful; it brought color back into my life. Yes, there were terrifying moments and parts I really hated, like the deception required to execute any affair. But those stolen moments were wonderful, pure bliss. We parted on the best of terms as she decided to get married (obviously to someone else, not that I was looking to change my marriage). I know we both felt we really touched each other souls. One thing I learned was you can’t change other people but you still have to solve your own problems. I am NOT here just for sex. Sex might be what happens-eventually, but I what I am really looking for chemistry. The kind of chemistry I am looking for can only be described as “sparks.” I want the kind of chemistry that’s far more then the some of the parts; the kind of chemistry that puts vibrant color in your life, the kind of chemistry that distorts time and distance. The days and hours spent apart are agonizing and the time together seems to pass in an instant. When you have that kind of chemistry, then you have real desire and passion. Anybody else feel the same? R.B. Passion071 I am in the Mood for Love... Hot, Passionate, Toe curling, soul-satisfying love. |
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I feel for you. I honestly can't imagine what it's like. I was in a marriage where the sex was fine. I don't remember going without. But..he was alcoholic and would not stop. I left cause I could not live like that. I been divorced for many years and single for most of them. It's bad enough being single and alone and not having a partner. I honestly can't imagine being with someone or loving them or them saying they loved me and not have that sexual intimacy. I don't think I could do it. If people choose to, I respect it and understand. We all have to make our own choices in life. I have learned not to judge people and I do my best not to. We all have our paths to walk and choices to make and I don't feel any path is really right or wrong as long as we don't hurt ourselves or anyone else. Good luck to you and I hope you find what you are seeking or find answers you can live with. Passion, Energy, Flow... That's me! ~ The Moody Woman ~
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Intimacy is something we all crave and it's not a thing we should have to beg for. I hope that you find what you are looking for.  ~~Anais Nin~~
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Wow! Amazing similarity. A year ago I wasn't prepared for the emotions and feelings that developed when after 32 years of marriage, I nervously ventured (was driven I'd say) into the world of extra-marital sex. The sex was just how I imagined it....super hot and wonderful, everything I had been missing and believed was normal. Not "act your age and people our age don't have sex any longer and your breath is bad and you snore etc. etc. etc....." Intimacy with a sexual partner is something truly wonderful. The experience did cost me my marriage, and for a few months I wondered "what the hell have I done". Turned out what I did was find happiness and I'm no longer under the thumb of a controlling wife. My story is long and still being written. I was relieved to discover there is nothing basically wrong with me but my W seemed to see none of the good and all of the crap and resentment that a long marriage can foster. When we left the movie "Hope Springs" and I'm in tears and yet she can act surprised and shocked and cry about my affair. I know she had her head in the sand. I think it unlikely attitudes would have changed with counseling, the damage had been done before therapy started. I'd say W and I had a pretty good brother/sister relationship. As long as sex was not the issue, we'd get along quite well. We'd share cooking, cleaning, she liked to read and I had a wood working hobby. She was happy and an evening jerk-off to porn could keep me stress relieved...and did for many years, until I discovered the joys talking to real women on the internet. My one sexual release with my W was she would let me shave her with the beard trimmer of my electric razor. Id usually give her oral after that and then I was permitted a fuck provided I was fast so we could get it over with. Menopause and vaginal dryness was her complaint, lubes were too messy and any pre-cum from me that touched her leg had to be cleaned up right away. She thought cum smelled unpleasant like bleach. She did not enjoy my oral on her and was not happy to put my THING in her mouth. WTF would BJ have killed her!! Apparently yes...it killed our marriage. Picture for a moment my utter amazement and joy when I pull out of my friends pussy, cum on her belly and she smiles and enjoys rubbing it around her pussy and clit. Perhaps not a huge sexual event within the universe but I honestly thought I'd died and gone to heaven. My friend said I do great oral and have a nice average circumcised cock. She says there is nothing wrong with me at all. After moving past the initial nervousness, we had some wonderful hot, passionate, sexual experiences. Writing can be therapeutic but in hindsight, I found it useful to justify ones actions or to gain acceptance. Any marriage is full of ups and downs but when a wife arbitrarily shuts down sexually and believes her sexual beliefs are correct and is unwilling to see things from the other partners perspective...I think an affair has to be the eventual outcome. I was supposed to be satisfied with the kids, friends, family, hobbies and travel. PS use cash only for everything and discuss expectations and feelings early and honestly with a new partner.
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