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More random jokes
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More random jokes Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. ***** A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a ," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a , I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox? ***** A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 . A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him. "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting on the bus." *** Viagra is like Disneyland; a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride. ** A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled " BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE." **** A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They stayed for hours in bed, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.' She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?' 'Oh,' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.' *** Three men are stranded on an island. They are close to starvation, when a Native Tribe finds them and takes them back to their camp. The leader says  quot; Go in a jungle and bring back a fruit, then we will let you live". They go out looking for fruits, the first guy comes back with a peach. The leader saysquot; Now take the peach and shove it up your ass, if you laugh, we will kill you."He attempts it but has to laugh so they cut his head off. The second man appears back from his trip with a grape. The leader gives him the same instructions, but the second guy doesn't seem to have any problems, but bursts out laughing mid way through his test. He too is beheaded. In heaven the two guys meet, the first guy says quot; I laughed because the peaches fuzz was<b> tickling </font></b>my bum, why did you laugh?"The second man responded quot; I was doing fine, until I saw the third guy come back with a Pineapple."**** THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.' I sent an Angel to watch over you last night, it returned in a hurry. I asked why, it said "Angels can't watch porn." Thanks for fucking traumatizing my fucking Angel! Don't bother trying to figure me out. Not even the little voices in my head understand me. It's pointless! |
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