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Get hard right now or I will bite your dick - I swear I will leave teeth marks
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Get hard right now or I will bite your dick - I swear I will leave teeth marks I heard a lady say that once (not to me) . I have to wonder (or not but I am) if you want a dick to get hard and it’s not getting hard are threats really the right way to go ? I know there’s probably a whole subculture of dudes out there who get aroused by threats of physical violence because I’m sure you can find someone somewhere who’s turned on by any particular thing you can think or , but speaking in general terms if you want a dick to get hard I don’t think threatening it is a good way to get results . But setting that aside for the moment , I wonder is it even possible to leave teeth marks in a dick ? They’re kind of squishy , even when erect , I’m not sure you could leave teeth marks without biting into the dick itself and spraying dickblood everywhere . Which wouldn’t be cool . But there’s probably a dude somewhere who’s into it . I wonder if there’s more videos on the internet of dudes biting dicks or ladies . I could go either way on that . Semi-related topic , when you hear the term “dickslap” do you think of someone getting their dick slapped or of someone slapping with their dick ? That one probably goes more or less along gender lines . Have I ever mentioned how much I love the expression “more or less” ? Probably I have . It doesn’t appear to mean anything but for some reason it’s okay to say it . More or less anyway . They gave out pedometers at work today for stop being a fatass dirtbag week . Someone asked “If I wear two pedometers will I burn twice as many calories ?” Everyone laughed . But I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t joking . Kudos for him though for just going with it though . I just read a blog post where a girl was saying that her dude was cheating on her and that he had built a house of cards out of lies . I don’t like to nitpick (just kidding I love it) but either house of cards or house of lies would have been fine there , both is just confusing . A house of cards is made out of cards , how can it also be made of lies ? I almost wrote “maybe if you didn’t mix metaphors he wouldn’t have cheated on you” here but that’s way too mean . I watched an episode of House of Cards this weekend . It was pretty weak ass , especially since everyone raves about how great it is . The writing it so simplistic it’s kind of insulting . Honestly I feel like Veep (which is a comedy people) does a better job of showing that its really like to get shit done in the US government . Last night was my weekly visit with my gal pal . We were supposed to get together Sunday but she fell into an elevator she was trying to fix and shattered all her bones . Why was she trying to fix an elevator when she’s the front desk clerk at a hotel ? There appears to be no good explanation for that other than her place of work is as poorly managed as pretty much every other place you could work in the world . I used to harass her about getting a new job semi-regularly because she has no insurance , no vacation , the pay is crap , the doesn’t like the work , and she occasionally falls down an elevator shaft . But she says she likes her job . When I ask her what she likes about it she never has an answer . I think she’s just too lazy to try and get a better job . Which I can sympathize with . With which I can sympathize I mean . Anyway , she wanted to go to a Mexican place , they were all packed of course (as predicted by me – not that I’m gloating) so instead we went to non-Mexican place #6 . I ordered a Peach Splash , which is a non-alcoholic sissy drink for sissies and the waiter said “Pitch Black” and I waited for a moment before correcting him because although that sounded like booze I was always curious what he was going to bring me . I asked on the dudes at work today who’s also a bartender and he said a Pitch Black is Blavod vodka and then blackberry or black raspberry liqueur . Which sounds pretty girly . I’m not sure it its more less manly than Peach Splash but I think it’s close . Although the internet tells me a Pitch Black is Jägermeister and Code Black Mountain Dew over ice which sounds disgusting but surely is a lot more manly . I don’t know from booze , but I have to imagine if they’re cracking open a can of Mt. Dew to make it it’s not a premium cocktail you have in your hand . After that we tried to have sex five times to honor the five divisions that marched the Acultzingo Pass at the Battle of Puebla (as is tradition on Cinco De Mayo) but I could only do it four times . If only it was Cinco De Quattro . Sorry Campeche/Quintana Roo division but I only got half hard and I couldn’t shove it in . So this probably means that once again I am gay . I mean if you can’t have sex with a lady 5 times in the span of 4 hours I can’t imagine what else that means . It’s probably offensive that I always say I’m gay after I fail to get an erection , but then again it’s like the thing I said before , no matter what you say someone is going to get offended . Like did you know that “statistic” about domestic abuse skyrocketing on the superbowl is 100% made up ? But if say anything about it people think you’re pro-domestic abuse . People are dumb . Two pedometers dumb . And I’m the worst one . I don’t remember quite how it happened , but after my wang failed and she laughed and me and made we cry which only made her laugh harder which only made me cry more (etc. etc.) I came up with the next great “green” idea . Instead of wearing clothes , “wear” swarms of insects , think beard of bees only over your whole body – or whatever part of your body you want to cover anyway . Get a bunch of ants to crawl on you in the shape of pants , bee swarm shirt , get some praying mantises for a hat and you’re good to go . Maybe some scorpion shoes . “But 40” you’re saying “will that keep me warm enough ?” Actually the heat from all those insect bodies will probably kill you . That’s how Japanese bees kill beemurdering wasps you know . I seen it on the TV . I posted a post about which was sexier once – a beard of bees or a normal beard . It was kind of funny . Did you know what Charles Darwin never suggested that humans evolved from apes ? That’s just something his detractors came up with to be jerks . Did you know that Ben Grimm AKA the Thing (from the Fantastic Four) is Jewish ? I didn’t . I thought Magneto and Kitty Pride were the only Jewish superheroes . Although I guess Magneto is technically a super villain . Remember when they came out with a new Spidergirl who was black , Muslim , lesbian , and disabled ? I believe my pal Lunchbox said at the time “so they’re just covering all the minorities with one character then ?” Classic Lunchbox . I’m reading a book (full disclosure it was published in 1971) that makes a pretty convincing case that while capital punishment doesn’t deter murder corporal punishment does seem to deter lesser crimes significantly . It has statistics and everything . I don’t know if I believe , but it we assume that it’s true that seems very odd to me . I mean murders don’t commit murder thinking they’re going to get caught , but wouldn’t it be the same with robbery or selling weed or what have you ? I can’t see why there would be a difference . Although now that I think about , I did read a book by a dude was a successful thief for a long time and he did talk about how he had plans for “getting pinched” so maybe non-murders do think about what they’ve doing and weigh the pros and cons . In other news if you can do 1000 hack squats there’s a dude who’ll pay you $10,000 . Just in case you need some cash .  Part of my job is researching mortgage fraud and once in a great while I have to testify in court (remotely) which is how I learned the joy of being threatened with (BANNED TOPIC) by a 49 year old tranny stripper . Which if that guy can make money as a transsexual stripper at almost 50 years old he should be doing hair and makeup for Hollywood . Anyway the other day I was reading a case I was going to talking about and the guy’s defense seemed to be “I didn’t know I did anything wrong , I’m just the stupid man alive” . Which honestly I believe the guy but at some point shouldn’t you go to jail for being stupid ? The guy had no job , no income , and no money and he decided to buy a house . His broker had no office , no phone number , wouldn’t give his name and operated out of his car – which was a Mercedes so that made it seem legit to him . The “appraiser” the broker sent to the house with him was a 20 year old blonde lady in Daisy Dukes and a halter top and her appraisal consisted of her getting naked , offer to have sex with him , and then later blowing him in the car . He admitted “at this point I should have known something was wrong” . When the prosecutor asked him if he had a bank account he said he didn’t know . How can you not know if you have a bank account ? Either you do or you don’t . When the prosecutor asked him how he was going to make the mortgage payments with no income he said he was going to make the payments with the equity from the house . The house he was buying . If you don’t know anything about mortgages there’s really no way I can explain to you how stupid that is . I guess it would be like being at the car dealership and the dealer asks you how you’re going to make the payments on the car and you point at the car and smile . There’s a ton of other dumb stuff in the transcripts but I’ll leave it at that . I saw an old lady at work today with one of those “tribal” tattoos on the back of her neck . It freaked me out . It also reminded me of a debate I have sometimes . Do you think it would be easier for someone like me (physically repulsive) to get a super hot chick into bed or an old lady ? I think the old lady would be harder actually . With hotzi at least sex is still a thing on her mind , it’s still something on the old playbook – if was super , super , super horny and I was the only thing around with a penis shaped part she might go for it . But what could ever happen to convince the old lady to get shaggy ? So if you’re a hot dude who thinks you’re all smooth try to bang an old lady – that’s a real test of your skills . Has anyone seen the movie Layer Cake ? I’m reading the book and I’m quite enjoying it . Although I’m only 70some pages in and I’ve already been hit with about 800 “cunts” . I’m given to understand in the old UK that’s not as big a deal as it is here , but I have to say that’s really the only curse word that still makes me cringe a little bit . Even fuck has mostly been desensitized for me at this point . But the C-word is still too much for me . If the movie is good let me know so I can watch it . If wookies were real would you have sex with one ? I probably wouldn’t . But I bet some women would – it’s really no different than a super hairy dude . And some dudes would because of that thing I said before . I mean there’s a whole website about shocking ladies in the junk for Christ’s sake . Someone asked me the other day if I was excited about the new Star Wars cast and I said “No , why would I be ? It’s the decaying carcasses of Mark Hamil and Carrie Fisher and then a bunch of randos , why would I be excited about that” . They chided me , saying that I would be old someday , to which I responded “Yeah , and I’ll probably be gross too , hell , I’m pretty gross right now .” I work with a Kerry Fisher . He’s a handsome fellow I tell you what . Also what happened to Harrison Ford ? My brain tells me he’s a good actor but has he made a good movie since the 90’s ? I guess Cowboys and Aliens was decent , but seeing the dude from Witness and Regarding Henry shambling about apathargically in Ender’s Game was just sad . One of my co-workers said they were “up all night” with their who was running a fever . Her is 14 years old . Isn’t there a point where being up all night with a sick is like over ? I don’t remember my mom staying up with my all night when I was sick when I was a . I don’t even know what that means . Am I way off base here or when someone says they were up with a sick did don’t you think of a little ? Once you’re in high school aren’t you kind of on your own cold and flu wise short of a trip to the doctor ? And finally (thankfully) there’s been a so-called prank war going on at work . But the “pranks” are so pathetic it’s sad (which is what pathetic means kind of) . I realize they just want to avoid work and indicate to each other that they want to fuck in a benign way , but if you’re going to prank someone put some effort into . Three women spent 3 hours the other day working on a way to prank a guy and what they came up with is they put a little pile of paperclips on his desk . And to get one of them back be pinned a toy sheriff badge on her cube wall . And so on , pranks so lame they can’t even really be called pranks . I’m not a prankster , but if you’re going to pull a prank you got to make it sting . Like replacing a woman’s birth control pills with tic tacs – that’s a prank . Or dumping a bucket of pig’s blood on someone at the prom – that’s a prank . Step it up a notch people . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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I'm not sure if I'd have sex with a Wookie. All that hair hides their junk. What if they don't have junk? Or what if their junk is the same size as an Ewok? BTW - just how old is an "old" lady? Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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I agree, that was a long post, even for YOU. Your story at the beginning - so was she saying that jokingly? threateningly? It's one of those stories where if you flipped the genders (well I guess that's impossible because women don't have penises) - anyway, people would be appalled, right? A guy over on the other sex-oriented site that I hang out on posted a blog about being sexually assaulted by a female friend...they were "just friends" but went out and got extremely drunk one evening; went back to his place to hang out and she came on to him...kept ignoring his no's, was holding him down, etc. "You know you want me, I've always known this was going to happen". He said that finally he did try to comply "out of a weird sense of obligation" (I guess because her family had helped him out when he was unemployed?)...but his equipment wouldn't cooperate. The girl and her friends then proceeded to ridicule him on Facebook. No point to that story I guess, just that apparently the kind of situations that women seem to frequently find themselves in; happen to men as well...   
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