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Don't feel bad , you never had a chance (aka the parent trap)
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Don't feel bad , you never had a chance (aka the parent trap) I've never really been into the whole birthday thing - it just seems silly to me . The last time I had a birthday party I was 11 and I thought to myself "I'm a little too old for this ." I guess it would be different if I drank the booze - but if I did I wouldn't need an excuse to get drunk you know what I'm saying ! Speaking of which when I first heard about it I thought Drunk History was the dumbest thing ever , but its actually the funniest thing I've seen in a long time . Probably because I don't drink and have never really been around drunk people (and love history) . Here's one of my favorite parts so far ; Jen Kirkman: Why do I feel like – I didn't take my pants off or anything did I ? Voice (offscreen): No , you took your shoes off . Jen Kirkman: Cause I feel like I don't have pants on . Oh , because I'm in a dress . But there was a moment where I took my pants off . Okay good . Little interludes like that really make history come alive . Anyway , I spent by birthday in quiet contemplation and reflection over the past year as I always do . And now I'm blogging about it which I guess is a new part of my birthday tradition . Which is pretty lame but that suits me pretty well . I ate rabbit for the first time last night , it was quite good . Whenever I encounter a new meat that is delicious (I should change my profile intro to I have some delicious new meat for you ladies) I wonder why/why/how they decided what would be "normal" meatwise . Why can you go to the store and get beef , pork & chicken and not rabbit , gator & duck ? Rabbits can't be hard to breed right ? That's what they're known for ! Sometimes I write something that I think is going to offend everyone and make them hate me but it never does . I take solace in that fact . Its liberating when on one cares what you say or do . Here's one now ! The other day I was reading a blog wherein a lady was saying she was worthless and no one would ever love her and she was going to kill herself , yada , yada , yada . Part of me was like "shut up and do it then idiot" but a larger part of me wanted to take her aside and explain to her that she shouldn't feel bad because he life sucks - the truth is she never had a chance . Life sucks for most people , that's how it works . There are some people that are happy and have great lives , but they had to work their asses off to get that way AND they had to be super lucky on top of that . The world is a harsh place and you're not going to win most of the time . So don't feel bad - you're like the salmon who jumps right into the bear's mouth , the world had it out for you from day one . What really bugged me is that she blamed her parents , like many people do - they never "approved" of her , which makes her unhappy . I guess I can kind of see that , but seriously , what's the big deal ? Your parents are just two people who got drunk at a Duran , Duran concert and forgot to wear a condom - who gives a flying fig if they approve of you ? You think they care about YOUR approval ? Think again . So why does it matter if you were never good enough for daddy ? He's just some dude , he's not god . If your parents didn't toss you in a dumpster on prom night when you were born I don't think you have anything to complain about short of abuse of some kind . I realized that most homeless dudes are dudes . You don't see a lot of homeless dude ladies . I assume this is because as a lady if you feel like you're about to become homeless you can probably (even if you're super crazy like most homeless dudes) find some dude to shack up with . Occasionally having sex with some dude you don't really care about has to be better than being homeless . Lift up your skirt and bend over for three minutes vs. freezing to death and being set on fire by<b> teenagers </font></b>? Seems like a no brainer . I'm probably going to be homeless some day . I often debate should I stay here in Iowa where there's cold winter or head south where the<b> teenagers </font></b>murder homeless people for fun ? Its a tough call .  My fat ass broke my old computer/office chair (my gal pal helped) and while I was putting my new one together I noticed the box said the max weight was 225 pounds . Since I weigh ten times that much I assume this one will break soon too . I've pretty much made my peace with the fact that I'm a fat monster but its kind of depressing that I should find some extra-strength support chair for super fatties . Also I checked around and most chairs have that same "maximum" which seems low for the second fattest country in the world (Mexico just passed us for #1 , USA ! USA ! USA !) . How did I get a new chair ? Lying of course . Its okay it says in the bible that you can lie if its to get something right ? I called the chair bozos and told them my chair broke after only TWO YEARS and they were like "What do you want us to do about it fatass ?" and I told them my uncle was Iowa Attorney General Tom Miller (oh no you know my last name now ! I'm as good as dead) and they better not fuck with me . So I got a new chair for free . I have no idea why I did this . I am typically a pretty honest person (too much so really) this was very uncharacteristic for me . I don't even believe that I deserved a new chair . It seems like every 7.3 months I do something completely against my own views and beliefs without knowing why . Its kind of frightening . My cat saved my life once . It was a side effect , I'm 100% confident that he didn't mean to save my life at all , but still that was the result . Its weird to think I would have died if I didn't have a cat . I hear stories sometimes about cats saving families or people and stuff like that and I never really believe it , but its been reported enough times that there has to be SOME truth to it . I can't wrap my brain around how that could happen . Even if a cat realized there was a danger (which it wouldn't) and made the connection that the humans that feed it were also in danger (which it wouldn't) and wanted to help them (which it wouldn't) there's no way it could understand complex cause and effect well enough to do anything about it . I love kitties , I'm a catman , but they aren't smart . Dogs are a million times smarter (and the worst animal on the planet) and I don't really believe the stories about them saving people either . I can only speculate that its really a shapechanging superhero of some kind . Change-O the Changearian . I found out that you can send in your old sex toys to have the recycled and get a $5 voucher towards the purchase of a new sex toy . When I first heard about sex toy recycling I thought that just washed them off and gave them to someone else , which is messed up , but they grind them up and make "new" sex toys out of them , which is somewhat less messed up . From the website - "Now, when you get rid of your ex-girlfriend’s strap on, your ex-boyfriend’s butt plug, that worn out pocket pussy or broken Magic Wand, you’ll be doing a favor for the environment. You can know that you’ve done one more thing to cut consumer waste, reducing landfills and the leaching of toxic chemicals into our soils and ground water" I guess its a good idea , making sex toys is actually really bad for the environment and most of them its actually illegal to throw them away because they're so toxic (ecologically speaking) . I guess those women who diddle themselves with zucchini and whatnot are just looking out for the environment . The company's motto is "Being green has never been more fun ." To which I counter with this quote from Futurama "If its the least bit fun its not environmentalism" . I've never had sex on my birthday . Sometimes I've been given sex as a birthday present by girlfriends but it was never on my actual birthday , which if I cared at all about presents I would find SUPER lame . I mean we had sex all the time - how was that time a "present" ? Even if you do something you don't normally do , like stay awake to the end , its still pretty weak tea in my book . Recently some porn company got sued and agreed to stop making available a line of adult films called Ben & Cherry's that produced such movies as "Boston Cream Thigh" , "Peanut Butter D-Cup" and "Chocolate Fudge Babes" because it was infringing on the good name of Ben & Jerry's . I'm sure its no better or worse than any other porn , but now I really want to see it . I tell you , I could go for a peanut butter d cup . Speaking of porn , did you know you're many times more likely to get malware from a church website than a porn website ? Most church websites are run by volunteers who have little to now idea what they're doing and therefore the sites they run have little in the way or protection from scammers and whatnot . Pay porn sites anyway - the free ones are virus central . I haven't made many good decisions in my life , but stopping with the free internet porn was one of the best . I think I already blogged this , but in the last X number of years the average bra size in America went from 34b to 34d . Which is kind of weird . I know I mentioned this before but last year on my birthday I blogged as a total joke that anyone reading should send me nude pictures for my birthday and a bunch of people did . That surprised me to no end . But looking back on it , I don't know why I was so surprised - sending nude pictures is all people do these day . Also I saw a "statistic" the other day that stated in the US your odds of dating Taylor Swift are better than your odds of dying of bird flu . I think all stats about silly things people worry about should be framed like that . For instance , I don't have the facts to back this up , but I am still confident in stating you have a better chance of getting a blowjob from Megan Fox than you do of being attacked by a shark . Well , that's the result of a years worth of self-reflection - enjoy (if possible) . PS , more people are killed in the US by gun violence every year than have died in Iraq and Afghanistan since the wars began . Stop the war indeed . PPS , there is nothing free in this world , except the grace of god . 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Well Mr. Miller, I already sent you a saucy picture last year...and you're saying an offer of sex is weak...guess I'll have to think of something else. As of this morning I was one pound away from breaking your office chair. Clearly the office chair industry isn't factoring in tall, muscle bound Amazon fatties, either...   
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Dammit, now I'm stuck on the Bloodhound Gang in my head.... ain't my job to fuck you on your birthday ain't my job to fuck you on your birthday anymore... heh! Happy Birthday and thanks... never thought I'd have to shop for sex toys like replacement windows... virgin vinyl and all, sheesh!
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