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Blogs > rm_smosmof2 > Echoes from the sand pit

Feeling sorry for myself..... (Again.....)  

rm_smosmof2 74M
594 posts
10/2/2006 7:58 am

Last Read:
12/29/2006 9:19 am
Feeling sorry for myself..... (Again.....)

I'll admit at having been a little suprised at the reaction to my previous post, most of which could be summarized by saying "Poor baby!"

Well, ok, but most of that shit was just ugly background stuff from the dead past. I even thought that the high school story had a happy ending, sortof.

Of course, I'm still contending with the fallout from last November/December. My job doesn't pay enough to keep up with the bills, and there are little annoyances creeping up all the time:

I got a phone call Saturday morning from someone (with a blocked ID) who claimed to be from AT&T who told me that I didn't pay my last phone bill, and that if I didn't pay up immediately, that my service would be cut off. I checked, and I sent a check to them on September 14. He wasn't having any of it, and without giving me any option he just kept threatening to cut off my service. I hung up on him. I'll call customer service at AT&T today to see if there's really a problem and determine how we can work this out. If we can't, you'll know why I'll have disappeared.

I picked up my new prescriptions from the pharmacy on Friday. I now have medical insurance, and I thought that would make the cost of my prescriptions more managable... Wrong! The loped for my cholesterol was ok--$18.95. My wellbutrin came to $220. This is unacceptable. I'm on the verge of calling my company and telling them that if they can't give us a medical plan that's good for something that they'll have to replace me. (Like they care... the front office of the guard company seems to be this incredible combination of incompetence and indifference... after all, most of the employees of the company are barely making minimum wage, and those people can easily be replaced with other people desperate to stand around and be paid nothing....) Grrrrrr....

More and more, I keep coming to the conclusion that I really need to find a way out of life. The only real function I have is to keep feeding the cats. (Ok, the people where I'm posted value me, but they're pretty much helpless as far as getting the front office of the company we all work for to get their act together, and I can't continue to live like this, getting further in debt every month because I can't make enough to pay off my bills.)

I'm really not doing anybody any good, and there isn't much of anything I can do in real life any more (except here, and a) this isn't real life, and b) if I disappeared from here, I doubt that the ripple would be noticed for more than a day or so, then you'd (all four of you.....) go back to your previous existences quite easily.....)

And there is absolutely no indication that there's any way any of this can be altered in any way.

Go thou and be cheerful. Things could be worse.

moonlightphoenix 52F

10/2/2006 8:05 am

 I keep wishing there was a button that I could press somewhere and I'd just cease to exist. Not kill myself. Nothing messy. Nothing tragic. Just suddenly, completely cease to exist.

But of course....there's the kids.

So I'm stuck.


rm_smosmof2 replies on 10/2/2006 8:50 am:
That's the difference between us... I have no dependents, except the cats (as noted earlier).

And God, do I want that button!

The good news is that the call from AT&T on Saturday was, as I suspected, fraudulent. They received my payment on 9/21. The guy on the phone on Saturday wasn't offering any options--just that I had to settle my bill immediately....

angelofmercy5 66F
17879 posts
10/2/2006 8:35 am

 Oh God! This post almost broke my heart. My own husband has many of these same feelings. And I think if he could just cease to exist he would take that opportunity! I completely understand the feeling that instead of getting out of debt, you just fall deeper and deeper into debt! I wish I had the answer...but I don't.


rm_smosmof2 replies on 10/2/2006 8:54 am:
I'm also convinced that this is not an emotional problem at this point. As long as I take my meds regularly, I'm really not depressed, at least not in the clinical way. But when the meds become a problem just because they're so damned expensive...

I'd been surviving on free samples for about six months, but the doctor's office could only give me a week's worth when I went in last week....

I'm just looking at this road to futility, and not only don't I like it, I don't see the point.

TabithaElectra 45F
Ask me for a photo

10/2/2006 8:39 am

 I guess you summed things up at the end ~ things could be worse. But, here's to hoping that they get a lot better for you

Thinking of you,

Tabs


rm_smosmof2 replies on 10/2/2006 8:56 am:
Thanks for the kind thoughts.....

as far as "things could be worse"... I was talking about the rest of you.. but then, I suppose that could be true of me, too. I don't want to go back to where I was last December.....

Valdrane78 45M

10/2/2006 8:51 am

 It's ok, I just got fired from 7-eleven for "Asking too many questions about the cameras, and talking about smoking too much!" lol

Fired from 7-Eleven how embarassing, lol.
BANG! POW! BOOM! a study in useless knowledge and sick humor!
[post 2291725]


rm_smosmof2 replies on 10/2/2006 9:20 am:
Those cigarettes will getcha every time.....

GoddessOfTheDawn 112F
Ask me for a photo
11240 posts
10/2/2006 9:00 am
    Quoting TabithaElectra:
    I guess you summed things up at the end ~ things could be worse. But, here's to hoping that they get a lot better for you

    Thinking of you,

    Tabs

I'm with her ~pointz @ tabz~

~ sending sum hugz ~


rm_smosmof2 replies on 10/2/2006 9:22 am:
Thank you dear....

(I'd love to say that I'd like to meet you again, but since we never met.....)

Breathelessbimbo 56F
Ask me for a photo

10/2/2006 9:23 am

 Babes...STOP...

More people than you realise will miss you.

Back when i was recovering from my attack i honestly thought no-one cared as my parents didnt come to the court case to support me. I now know its because of how difficult it was for them.

It was difficult for me too being a in a court room with the 5 men who attacked me.

Not long after the case was over my then BF left me. I was devastated..he was even leaving the country.

I was on a lot of pills at the time to get me through the days.

I had a fresh prescription...i took the lot washed down with vodka.

All i recall is being slapped around & dragged out of my flat in a firemans lift. It was my BF..he had a funny feeling & came to see if i was ok.

It was too late to pump my stomach.

I had a minor heart attack & the poisons unit in London were notified that i may be sent there.

I was detained in hospital & was told a psychiatrist wanted to see me. I knew though the frame of mind i was in he would section me.

So i told them to get the paperwork for me to sign myself out. They argued i couldnt do that...i said watch me.

That day was a turn around...why?

Because i saw what it did to mum, dad, my sister, my friends, my BF's sister, my BF's mum.

They all handled it differently yet every one of them showed me they loved me.

My BF still left & we stayed parted.

Your life is precious.

Squeaky fought until the last breath didnt he!! He showed strength.

Please can you show strength...you know its in you.

Im not saying these words lightly at all, they come from my heart & admitting on here to thousands i took an overdose is embarrassing. But i dont give a flying fuck what anyone thinks right now if it makes YOU rethink what you DO have & not what you DONT have.

What i did was wrong & very stupid. I hurt so many people.

People i thought didnt care. They did & many still do.

You have a lovely caring nature showing through on here & it would be a sin & a massive waste if you couldnt show this in real life to someone who needs it.

Go to a hospital...the childrens ward. Take a look in at those severely ill & give yourself a massive shock treatment. We are all lucky to be here when we are healthy' Look at the ladies yesterday who showed their survival wounds.

I do hope i dont sound like im preaching as i do fully empathise how you feel...in more ways than you can imagine.

You do have friends here...ok many are online, but we are still your bloody friends.

If you get cut off....get to an internet cafe & let us all know how you are....please.


rm_smosmof2 replies on 10/2/2006 3:01 pm:
You understand that, looking at the high turnover in these parts, I have trouble taking some of that very seriously...

That said, your story pulls out the clinical part of me: was your "attempt" intentional? What's with the BF's "funny feeling"? Have you ever regreted being salvaged (of course, J didn't come along until long afterwards, and that changed a lot...)?

I'm still not convinced that my passing would affect anybody at this point but my parents, and if I wait just a little longer, I won't have to worry about that any more (but then I should have enough money to deal with a lot of the existing problems, except for companionship.....).

Squeaky was a she, but yeah, she certainly stayed with me as long as she could... even though she wouldn't eat or drink at all that last week after I brought her home from the clinic. It's funny, those in my life who were all the most devoted to me were cats. Of the first three that my wife and I got, one was hers, one was mine (the first female who lived to be 20), and the third was kind of indifferent.....until I was hospitalized (in 1983). I was gone for two weeks, and when I came home, Smudge was a differnt cat. From that point on, he was my devoted little boy and it was made quite clear that he wanted me to never leave him again.....

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and history about this... it does have impact that you would be so personal about this... I have to admit that sometimes I get the impression that you try to be as friendly as possible, but still keep a wall up between us...

"lovely caring nature"... I think you've bought into the bs....(no offense intended, except to myself...)

No, you're not preaching, you're sharing, and I appreciate it more than you can know....

I was talking to a friend at work about this place over the weekend and referenced the Brits in general and you in particular and the crisis that you're going through that so bothers me.... she wanted to know how different the language usage is between you (plural) and us. I admitted that there is some, but mostly trivial--I had to quote the difference between my being pissed and Papyrina's... but your use of the word "bloody" in your response brought some of that to mind also.. it was one of my best friend's favorite curse words, and he wasn't Brit at all (except maybe literarelly, to make up a word on the spot) he was from New Jersey with a stopover in Florida for late schooling and college, but came out to L.A. to go through Library school, and stayed on for over 40 more years, but he was quite the Anglophile.....

He'd be quite appalled at the way I'm talking these days, too, but then, he's no longer around to talk me out of it.....

AmericanBaroness 59F

10/2/2006 2:52 pm

 There will always be others in different situations {better, worse, same but not, etc}...what matters is making the most of your time on here, because you never know at the moment just what type of impact or effect you're having on someone.


rm_smosmof2 replies on 10/2/2006 3:51 pm:
One of the things I always want most out of a relationship is someone who can be a good "mirror"--to show me who I am and what impact I have on the world around me.. there are times when I haven't been sure what I did that generated the effect that happened, but I have been sure that my presence did alter the resulting reality.....

rm_goldnglory2 73F

10/2/2006 5:38 pm

 You can't find peace in a relationship if you don't have peace in yourself. Can you get a roommate to help share living expenses? I hope you're taking anti-depression medication. Your problems are real but the solution you suggest is permanent. I'm a good listener if you ever want to talk.


rm_smosmof2 replies on 10/2/2006 6:26 pm:
In the fifth from last paragraph, I talk about the two prescriptions I picked up on Friday. Wellbutrin is that anti-depressant that I'm on, and I have discovered that it's pretty effective as long as I stay on it. But at $220 a month, it becomes part of the problem... but it's clear I can't do without it. I was previously on paxil, which was effective, but a tranquilizer. Wellbutrin is an energizer.

curiousinlorain7 66F

10/2/2006 9:05 pm

 move over and hand me an oar....since we are in the same boat i might as well help you row....I don't take the meds you take..so i don't have that expense...but I do have other things going on...and I"m about to consider a move to OK for financial reasons...my mom and dad live there..and my mom is almost as bad as a control freak as my ex was...with one exception..he knew what he was doing..she thinks she is doing nothing...I refuse..by a sheer act of will and faith...and really believe me..some days it is hard.. to get up and out of bed and do my 'thing' I fight...fight hard to regain that person i used to be...sometimes..once in a while...i'm tired...but I do it...you have friends here...if you think that they would not notice your passing out of this site..or worse.. then you need to make the connection with them... you need to have people that know you are real...that touch you..talk to you..not just blog with you...okay..row..row..row...i'll keep up my end...you keep up yours...i don't want to go in circles in this boat....


rm_smosmof2 replies on 10/2/2006 9:22 pm:
Deal.

Where are we going? (Not Oklahoma!)

curiousinlorain7 66F

10/3/2006 5:09 pm

 well not california....cost to much to live there...


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